[Call Me Chris]

I just wrote out a long post..but something happened and it was all removed. I'll attempt to retype it, but I put a lot of time into it.. I'm not sure if this will be triggering or not, marked it as triggering just in case.

I found out about a week ago that I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I had this dx about a year ago. Why I wasn't told about it is beyond me.

What would have caused me to suffer from PTSD.. I went through an EF5 multi-vortex tornado back on May 22nd, 2011. I remember it like it happened yesterday. It reached almost a mile wide, destroying a good 25% of my hometown. I've lived here my entire life and couldn't recognize where I was at when looking at the damage. From my apartment, I could see what used to be St. John's Hospital. The hospital was on the complete opposite side of town. 158 people died during it. Hearing the Tornado sirens was nothing new, they were always a false alarm. No one was prepared for what was coming.. The tornado that hit my town was the deadliest tornado in the United States since 1947.

I was 18 at the time..I was expecting something to happen that day, but nothing like this. The sky was a lot darker than I had seen it in a long time. I was standing out on my balcony with my mom, we lived on the second floor, and we had the news on in the other room. The news was saying that it was supposed to get really bad soon. I tried calling a few of my friends to make sure they knew. None of them answered though. Around the time I tried calling my dad, the power cut off. Soon after, the wind began picking up. My mom went inside because of the lightning and rain, while I stayed on the balcony. I looked off to the west and saw a wall of black. Assuming it was a tornado, I ran inside and told her to get to the closet in my room. I went and shut the door to the balcony. Seconds later it started hailing bad and the wind was blowing the furniture around. I went to the closet and closed the door. Then it hit..

The wind gradually got stronger until it sounded like a freight train. I don't know how else to describe the sound. It broke my window out, and we could feel the air being pulled from the room. It was insane..and all that I could think was, "How dying is going to feel?" We could hear everything being thrown around. It felt like it went on forever.. After it was over, my mom and I both were relieved. She was worried about her computers for work. I told her to stay in the closet, and I went to make sure everything was okay.

I will never forget what I heard and saw when I walked out of that room.. It was completely silent aside from the rain, occasional thunder..and the alarms from cars and fire detectors.. Those alarms...I'll never forget. They went on for days, literally. Every thing was destroyed. There was a car in my neighbors living room. A meek's truck was infront of my apartment building. I remember everyone walking around like zombies..everyone, including myself, had the same expression on their face. Disbelief, shock, whatever you want to call it.

Anyways, 10 minutes after it ended..my dad called me. The signal was horrible and all I could put together was, "The house is gone, we're trapped under.., you're grandma is dying..call 911." I tried calling 911 several times, but the signal was gone. Turns out all of the towers were down and no one could make calls. How did I get his call then? I told my mom to stay in the apartment and wait for help. I decided to run all of the way to my dad's, which was a good 2-3 miles away. I was soaked almost instantly after I left my apartment. The whole way I had to dodge downed trees and power lines. I had trouble figuring out where I was.. I found what used to be their house and began looking for them. Calling out, digging through the debris, losing hope by the second. My landlord's family stopped by to look at their dad's house and saw me looking around, and they let me know that my grandma was in the hospital, but is doing okay. And my dad and little brother were there with her, they both were fine. I think I would have been there forever if they hadn't shown up. I thanked them and headed back to my apartment.

For living on the second floor of the apartments..my apartment was the least damaged out of the 100+ apartments there. The only damage to mine was my window. While the people's apartment across from mine was missing their entire roof. And right across the street from my apartment complex was Wal-Mart where several people lost their lives, some were still being pulled from the debris late into that night. I wonder why I was so lucky..I didn't really lose anything aside from some clothes, so why am I like this? Am I just a weak person? Probably.

My reason for posting this is because I'm wanting advice, or someone's input..and to kind of share my story. Is PTSD an accurate dx, or is it something else? I tell myself that it doesn't bother me, at times it does though. Seeing it on the news is rough, but I can watch it. Talking about it doesn't bother me and I don't get very emotional about it or anything.

Before the tornado, I wasn't too social. I did have a good amount of friends, I was outgoing and could make people laugh. At times I was awkward, if most of the people around were people I wasn't comfortable with or didn't know. I could still make friends though, and somewhat hold a conversation.

Now, after over a year, I'm having trouble with being social at all..although I really want to be. I've lost nearly all of my friends. I act distant with my family. I'll admit that I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts. Mostly ideation, at times I believed that I had a plan and would go through with it. I'm terrified of doing anything. Going to Wal-Mart, for example, is like a life-or-death situation. I can hardly sit outside to smoke a cigarette without thinking everyone is watching me.

Most of what I go through fits the criteria for AvPD, but I'm wondering if PTSD could be it..or if it is because I have waited so long to do anything about it. I'm not currently seeing a T, but I'm supposed to get set up with one in a few days.

I don't expect anyone to read all of that, but if you did..thank you. If anyone would like to help me out by telling me if it sounds like I am suffering from PTSD, I would be grateful. At this point, anything would help. I'm sorry for making this such a long post.

All the best,

Chris

[archipelago]

It does sound very traumatic, even the way you describe it. However, not all people who go through a trauma end up with PTSD. That said, some of the symptoms of PTSD are numbing and avoidance. Disconnecting from your emotions is a version of that. But there are other symptoms that you haven't mentioned so it doesn't seem very easy to say one way or the other. Besides this should be done by a professional. And if it has been already, then talking to the person who has the information about the diagnosis would be what I would do if I had doubts or questions.

[Open Eyes]

((Chris)),

Wow, that is a very scarey event. And I think I watched a story about the Wal Mart you are talking about where a man hovered over someone's baby and saved it's life.
Yes, a lot of people did die in that Tornado.

Post Tramatic Stress can last for a while, and can become Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. I have PTSD myself and I had a tramatic event happen to me, I didn't understand what PTSD meant. I thought it meant "deep grief" and that it would just go away, but it didn't and I began to retreat and get depressed and it got worse. And I finally found a specialist and have been seeing him for over a year now.

I am glad to hear you are going to see a therapist, that is very important. Feeling nothing is also part of it. Even the thoughts of suicide, I have had that myself. It is important that you understand it and get help, you "can" get better with time.

Let us know how you make out with the therapist ok? And do not ever hurt yourself, you can work through this.

(((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

[Call Me Chris]

I'm checking in before I go to bed, and I wanted to thank you iota and Open Eyes for your replies. I will reply when I get on tomorrow. Goodnight, thanks again.

Chris