[Big Mama]

TRIGGER WARNING DREAMS CONTAINING ABUSE AND SEXUAL ISSUES FLASHBACKS.


I went to T last night w/ my H. It seems to be helping some. Or at least I can see now where it has the potential to help. We were discussing triggers and trauma's and how arguments trigger me. The T told my H I was having more issues then normal w/ triggers. My H wanted to know how to recognize when I'm in trauma mode. The T was very conscious of what she was saying and made sure to ask me first if she could tell my H. She told him I had been having more nightmares and weird dreams about the past. He didn't understand how that affects my days. She asked me if I told him about the dreams and I told her no. She said I need to. But I'm afraid to. (I need to meet w/ just the T again) I'm afraid to tell him. He sees dreams as ideas I want to follow threw on in reality. I don't want to have sex w/ abusive people in my dreams or reality. He see's dreams as a purposeful attempt to think about someone or something. I do not want to think about the past abuse or dream about past abuse. Talking about dreams w/ him is difficult. Dreams are a very gray area and he is an extreemly black or white thinker. It is beyond his ability to think in the terms of dreams and subconscious things.

I also have dreams about my H. I dream about him abusing me and holding me hostage. I dream of us arguing, and of course I dream of sex but it is not pleasant. I dream of him manipulating me. Anytime I tell him about these dreams he gets angry. He gets angry because I think of him in these ways not in loving ways. It is just hard, that's all there is to it.

I don't know how to share this w/ him. I don't know if I can share this w/ him. His anger and lack of understanding makes it even harder to talk to him about this. How do you get your dreams not to affect you negatively? Do you share your dreams w/ those close to you or just w/ your T?

[Open Eyes]

Well, Big Mama, you have some good questions. What you have to make sure you realize about dreams though is that as you work through the PTSD and things come forward, at night your brain is going to try to figure out where to put these issues, that is basically what we all do.

What you are doing now, is not so much being "haunted" at night and that you have to bear that burden. But, instead as you are working through your memories and emotions and fears along with what kind of challenges you have now, it is also being puzzled together at night in your dreams. And until you get a better resolve during time and therapy, you won't quite know how to process it at night in your sleep.

Really what your brain is doing is searching for pictures and information that can all go together and get processed and storred as I mentioned. But you do not have enough "new information" yet to be able to put the whole puzzle together where you genuinely feel settled and finished with it all. Remember that ever important word that you must keep as a reminder "yet".

I still have things that come forward and challenge me too Big Mama, and I don't have the "resolve" for everything yet myself. I had a really challenging holiday this year too and I just wasn't expecting that to happen. Today was the first time I got to talk to my T about it too. And he told me that unfortunately healing through PTSD is a long process and it takes time to slowly put all the pieces together so that we get to a point where we can see how we "adapted some kind of victim mentality" verses a more normal, healthier mentality.

I explained to my T that my husband tends to react in a way that triggers me even more, or he begins to feel guilty or frustrated and doesn't respond the way I need him to. And my T told me that "men" in general do not respond well, they get frustrated and want to "fix" it and can get very discouraged. Yes, men tend to see more black and white, and not the gray. So this isn't just "you" struggling with this Big Mama, it is very common.

The one good thing about me having a man for a T is that he explains to me how men see things and how they are compelled to react and fix, can't just listen without feeling that "I am hearing something I have to fix". My T told me that when he first started practicing it was very hard for him because he kept wanting to take over and "fix". He had to slowly learn to develope the skill of "listening and realizing that the patient is the one that is learning how to fix themselves". Men tend to "absorb" and it is very hard for them to just "listen".

You have to learn to understand BM that your husband is "not a woman" and he is not going to always understand "what you are trying to say to him" and it is going to be really hard for him to even begin to understand that he needs to learn how to "validate your anger" and just say to you, "Yes dear, I see how you can be so angry, just let it out if you need to, until you slowly do not have so much anger". Well, I don't get that myself, my husband just absorbs the anger and if I talk about things he has done or does that upsets me he mopes and self blames or just plain get frustrated". Then I end up feeling guilty and thinking my old way of just holding it in is the only thing I can do. Well, that is also what my "victim mentality" did so then I get confused and depressed and even more triggered. Ugh.

I think that for a while BM, you should mostly run a lot of these challenges past your T who can give you the reaction you need for a while. That seems to help "me" the best, because everytime I try to talk to my husband, I never seem to get him to respond to me the way I need him to.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open thank you for responding. When I talk to my T about these things he either gets jealous or angry w/ me for precieving him in some of these ways. He doesn't understand my dreams are representations no realities. My H never held my hostage, but I felt that way. My H never sexually abused me but he did push me to do things I didn't want to do like the person who raped me did. But my H didn't do that, in my mind it feels similar. I know why I dream what I do, for the most part. I see the symbolism. He cannot and before I can explain it to him he has already put up a wall and held firm to his beliefs. I'm the master of walls so I know to leave him alone and try again later.

I suppose there could be a positive to having a man for a T. When it comes to a woman trying to live and deal w/ a man input from a man is very helpful. I can't even begin to go there though. I would be mortified to close myself in a room w/ me and a man and know I was purposely making myself vulnerable with the info I put out there. But that is why T's came in male and female. I'm glad that works for you and now I can see a positive to that.

I took enough sociology and psychology classes in collage to know my way pretty well around communicating and listening skills. It is usefull info to have. My poor H and so many others have no idea how to listen. Often when I talk I want to be "heard", not fixed. I recall a time in the struggles w/ my brother in law that he would call me and say please help me. You are good at listening. I am able to listen and be ok w/ not helping. Validation and understanding mean alot. Fixing is not always possible. You ask for advice when you already know the answer and want validation. Seldom do you ask because you are clueless,(not never but seldom) you are seeking validation. That is what I really want from my H. He doesn't have to agree, sympathize, fix, help. Just be quiet and hear, understand and validate. "I can see why you feel this way" or " I didn't know you felt like that" or don't tell me you understand if you don't. Mirroring expressions and repeating are simple ways to show you hear. If you notice when you are talking to someone and you want to have them elaborate simply repeat what they said in a questioning tone. ex. If I say I feel lonely and my pastor says "you feel lonely?
he is leaving room for elaboration and confermation has been made. If he is incorrect in what he heard or I didn't say what I ment, then I can correct him at that point. "No I feel alone in this matter" My poor H, and men in general. Knowing how to communicate would be helpful.

We spend all these years in school learning how to work, how to fix things, and get prepaired for the real world. It is a shame students are not tought how to relate and communicate. It's alot like having a new baby. You spend 9 mo planning and learning how this little one is gonna get out. Then they send you home w/ this little thing and no owners manual. Marriage should come w/ an owners manual. It's more then the lord said go forth and multiply. Well my little on has gone to sleep and I am getting a migraine. I'm gonna go sleep it off Hopefully. Thank you again for listening OE.

[Big Mama]

OE I've been thinking alot about these dreams. I think it is something I am going to run past my T first and she and I together can tell my H if she thinks it would be helpful. Right now I can't say the words that describe what is taking place in my dreams. It is locked in my mind, I can write it though. The T has told me the more difficult it is to write the smaller the print should be. Since I can't say it this will give her a feel for how difficult it is to say. I can do that. (Break out the maginifing glass baby) I could not tell my H if I wanted to at this point and because he will get angry it will be counter productive. My T did ask me to write down anything I remember about my dreams. If I want to press forward w/ telling her about the rape do. If not don't. Do not push it. Let it be like an instinct if something tells you "don't go there" then do not, if it feel like something you need to get out then do. This time instead of just the event, if I can she wants me to tell her smells, colors, sounds, and what have you. I don't know why. I don't know what that is going to tell her about the trauma. I don't know if it is a depth and level of things or just a need to give all the info.

So I'm feeling a little more clear about what to do w/ the dream thing. Share w/ the T first then my H and then proceede as she sees fit.

[Open Eyes]

Well, I think you will do better by discussing the dreams and other things that come forward or that your husband triggers to come forward with your T. And you can also come here to PC and talk about it. You will get more validation from T and PC then your husband can give you, and I will be honest, many husbands just don't know how to respond to these issues. As I mentioned, my T being a man, had to "learn" how to develope the skills he has now and is actually really good at. However, the other plus is that his father was a top psychiatrist and he grew up on the grounds of the institiution/hospital his father worked at/ran.

It is important that you get the "validation" and feed back that will help you, not make you feel worse or trigger you more.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Thanks. after writing and seeing my words the notion I need to talk to my T first then my H and I together, maybe even w/ the T the three of us. It seems sometimes upon writing and taking the time to sort the words out enough tp write them clairity for your self is achieved. That is one of the main reasons I journal.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, there are things that you can answer and settle yourself and as you gain some ground in therapy and finally working through alot of these "triggers and bad dreams etc" you will realize that only "you" can answer and resolve alot of it and the H could never do that.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you ((((Mama)))) and ((((OE)))). This thread was very insightful and helped me a lot. Hugs, R

[Perna]

I "enjoy" my dreams and use them to help me better understand myself and I share them with my husband, T, anyone who will listen, especially if they are scary. I would accent your feelings if you talk to your husband, start by stating, "I had a really scary, upsetting dream that bothers me. . ." Invite him to hear about it and accent the scary parts, "I was being held down against my will" and how you wish you did not have to dream about the subject matter you dream about but how you feel talking about it might help you better understand so you don't need the dreams anymore to keep your issues that you want help with in front of you.

My mother died and my father remarried when I was quite young and I "merged" my two mothers together and it took 4-5 years in therapy just dreaming about "pairs" of things (I got sick and tired of it) or having dual dreams, each about the same mother-related subject, etc. to work it all through.

I finished with therapy 2005 and yet only this morning dreamed I was handing a book over to a coworker, it was a technical manual of some sort and as I was handing it to him I found a cache of photographs and papers I took out and started looking at. The one I most remember I recognized in the dream as belonging to my stepmother and taking place before I was born/her daughter; it was of a group of 30-40 young children, down by a little stream all mounted on big, brown, wooly sheep, complete with saddles! In the dream I asked my stepmother where the sheep came from and she commented, "Oh, Pat, found them somewhere" and I knew she was talking about her brother. Well, I woke and in reality, Pat was my mother's brother, not my stepmother's. I have dreamed about photographs before (the old sepia ones from the 1940's/50's) in relation to my mothers and the gathered children reminds me of photographs of my early birthday parties in the mid-50's (right before/after my father and stepmother married) as well as photographs belonging to my stepmother from the 1940's, before I was born (I use to look at photographs of she and my stepsister and my stepmother's first husband and wonder where I was, why I was not in the picture too).

In short, we don't completely get rid of our issues, they come around again and again, in different guises for all our lives I suspect, once we start looking at them and working with them. They are just dreams and valuable tools we can use to better understand ourselves and our lives. Maybe try to "package" yours somehow so they are like looking at pictures, yours or someone else's and just casually discuss them with others without taking them too personally so if your husband takes them personally, you know/understand that is his problem/issue and not yours. Resisting dreams, not "wanting" them can't get you anywhere/thing; embrace them like you have to a dream monster to get them to turn and talk to you and get their message for you out so you don't need them anymore.

[Big Mama]

Perna, Thank you so much for this. I was really at a loss as to how to even begin to bring this up w/ my H. You hit the nail on the head there. That is an execellent way to break the ice.

"start by stating, "I had a really scary, upsetting dream that bothers me. . ." Invite him to hear about it and accent the scary parts, "I was being held down against my will"

That is exactly what I needed.

This also cought my attention. I had been ignoring my dreams, the T wanted me to write every dream down all the details I could remember. Along w/ the date that I dreamed it. It took a litttle while to get in the habit. But now it is like secound nature. Dreams are a way of the mind working things out for you. The T knows I have a hard time expressing myself in words, so if she can read about my dreams then it is like a key to what is going on in my head. We can already see where things are progressing.

" Resisting dreams, not "wanting" them can't get you anywhere/thing;"

Perfect, thank you so much for that. I couldn't agree more.