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#1
Jan 01, 2013, 03:28 PM
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It is very frusterating, I mean obviously there is the issue of people not believing how burnt out I get because sometimes I am able to do normal everyday things without too much interference from my symptoms. What some people don't get is that takes a lot out of me and if I am not careful it takes too much out of me.
Other than that I am not really someone who enjoys laying around not doing much, I get really bored so its very hard for me not to end up overdoing it. I know when I have because I always get a feeling like my brains been fried from over-use and I'm physically exhausted. Its not just negative stress either that I have to be careful of its any kind even constructive stress like what you might feel when trying to decide whether to brush your teeth or hair first. It's just very frustrating, a lot of times I am not doing things I'd like to or maybe should do because I can't not because I don't want to. Its also kind of embarrassing trying to explain I need to get away from everything somewhere quiet rather than participate in anything. Then of course even my current therapist says I have to push myself.....well much of the time I simply cant regardless of if I want to and if I try I end up having to more or less recover for 1-3 days. I mean I know I have limits so I try not to go past that while still doing what I can to keep symptoms under control and such...but then it gets confusing if my therapist encourages me to push myself to do more or whatever because then I have it on my mind and attempt to push myself harder than I should out of guilt about disappointing the therapist. I mean if one thing does not go over well its being incapable/dysfunctional for a reason that is not physically obvious. And any explanation is just an excuse bla bla bla. Alright not sure where I am going with this anymore point is its not something I enjoy dealing with at all. |
 Anonymous33425, notablackbarbie, Open Eyes, optimize990h
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 notablackbarbie
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#2
Jan 01, 2013, 03:47 PM
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((Hellion)),
I am sorry you struggle like this, I have to admitt that I have the same thing happen to me too. I am not even sure why it happens either, and I agree, it is frustrating. My therapist has said that it is the depression and keeps suggesting Zoloft, but I don't like the sexual side effects of Zoloft and I am very leary about antidepressants because of all the negetive information I have been reading about them. Are you on any medication now? Open Eyes |
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#3
Jan 01, 2013, 04:05 PM
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The only thing I am taking right now is trazadone but not regularly just if I need it to sleep or reduce anxiety. Aside from that calming tea and when I have access to cannabis it still helps reduce symptoms. |
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#4
Jan 02, 2013, 11:45 AM
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Oh, I hear you on the wellbutrin, I couldn't take that either, I tried and I felt like I had a ping pong match going on in my head so I stopped it. I have heard other people say that too about it.
It is hard to know what to do about antidepressants because there is a lot of information/studies out there that talks about how ineffective they are. IDK, some people claim they work and yet other people don't and there is no real proof they help that I have found reliable. I will say that therapy has helped me alot Hellion. I have spent a lot of time examining myself and where my thinking patterns are troubled as a result of my past. I was married at age 24 and I often struggled and tried to seek therapy. I can now look back and recognize that none of the therapists noticed the red flags I had displayed that could have led to a diagnosis of Post Tramatic Stress. I didn't have it as bad back then as I have it now, but can remember having the hypervigilance and periods of depression and anxiety challenges. I see now that the reason I was so afraid of going to a big college was that I had two big problems, not feeling safe and thinking I was just not intelligent enough to handle a big educational system. When you talk about the bullying and even that teachers did it too, oh, how I can relate to that too Hellion. I was an average student and I had too much going on at home that was troubling me, and I was constantly criticized and stressed. And then in high school I decided to really try. I took my geometry book and taught myself the entire book up to the point where the class I was taking was on. It was most of the book, about 3/4 the way through. We had a big test in the third quarter and I wanted to try to bring my grade up. The teacher was younger and very popular, kind of hip with the students. Then after the exam and she had corrected the tests she stood in front of the class and told the class that most of the class had failed the test. Then she smirkingly said, "And guess who got the highest grade?" I sat in the back of the class because I was so shy then. She said that I had the highest grade and that if I could pass the test then the entire class should have aced it. I had a flashback about that incident while I was thinking about your thread about "stigmatism". And in that flashback I relived the extreme humiliation I felt that day. I remember her whole demeanor that conveyed to the entire class of her surprise the the class idot got the best grade. That is how she acted Hellion. I remember sitting in the back of the class and everyone in the class turning around and staring at me. I was so embarrassed and taken by surprise that I didn't know what to do Hellion. I just didn't expect that to happen and I wish I had walked out of the class and gone straight to the principal's office, left the school and went home to tell my parents. But I didn't, I just did what I always did, just take it in. I never really realized that experience had a profound affect on me that would stay with me for the rest of my life. And there were several times in my life where I dared to achieve and was ridiculed for it. And whenever I was making headway in anything, I was hypervigilant, part of me was waiting for that moment when I would be hurt by something or someone because I dared to "achieve". I never connected the dots Hellion, I was never showed that or was it ever explained to me, so I carried this deep fear that always held me back psychologically. I did achieve things in my life, was often told I was good at things, but I always had a lot of anxiety whenever I was achieving. I was always waiting for that moment where I would be "humiliated" for trying. I was always waiting for my achievements to suddenly be taken away somehow from me. I didn't ever realize how that deep fear got there either. When I lost so much of what I had built up and made in my life because of my neighbor's negligence, that was what truely broke me. No one understood the depth of what that damage meant to me, including myself. I had so much anger, so much grief, and sense of extreme loss that I felt I could never express it in a way that other people could possibly understand it. I was 50 years old when that happened to me. I never, in my wildest dreams would have expected to learn about PTSD and what it means to me as a person. It has been an extremely difficult challenge for me. I could have never guessed that all the awful things I had experienced in my life had "hurt" me this way. I had always thought that we just learn to survive things in our lives and keep going. It never occured to me that I would be dealing with learning about how my history hurt me in ways that I would be challenged with reliving everything the way I am now. A pill, is not going to change that for me. What "is" helping me is that I am slowly addressing a lot of things that have hurt me in ways I didn't realize in "therapy". What I am slowly learning is that there is a process to finally "healing" Hellion. And for a while it is quite daunting and confusing. And there have been many times where I have been very angry about how I have been misunderstood and abused in my past. I have had a lot of questions much like you as well. If I was your age and learning all of this? I would probably go into the field of psychology and find a way to have a voice that could shed light on how so many people ignorantly hurt others and cause "undeserved" damage. I already know some damage can be "repaired" in children and teens because I have done it with the children I have taught over the years. You can choose to think that you simply have to settle for the limitations you are experiencing now, or you can make a decision to be motivated by it and first learn about yourself and then work out a plan to act on what you are learning. You can choose to be the part of the population that lingers in suffering, or you can choose to be a part of the population that is slowly working on doing something about it. There "is" an ongoing effort being made to slowly "change" the stigmatisms and ignorance that continues to affect so many of our youth today as well as the youth in my lifetime. I personally believe that a pill is not going to change that problem either. What "is" going to help is if we get a population of people who are willing to go out and be that presence that I didn't have, you didn't have and many others who stuggle do not have access to. Most of the people who manage to grow past their oppressive youth will say, "I owe my life to this teacher that "saw me" and "helped me" overcome so much." Hellion, if that teacher that completely embarrassed me had instead commended me for my effort and even "recognized" me as a student that had made an effort? If she had stopped to realize that if most of the class had failed and no one around me passed the test and there was no way I could have cheated because I had to work out every single problem in that test as proof of solution ? She could have truely been a positive turning point in my life. I always taught private lessons and made sure every student I taught left me with a positive sense of self. I would even go over the lesson time if I saw that moment coming where my student was going to overcome a hurdle and achieve. I made sure that when every student left me they walked to their parent's car with that whole posture that told me how good they felt about what they achieved in my lesson. And I knew it made a difference in how each child felt about their world too. I have seen them years later still holding onto that positive about themselves that they learned to grab onto in my time with them. If you learn about yourself and think about what could have been there in your own life that would have made a difference for you Hellion, then you can begin your path on taking steps to give that "void" a voice and an action. It is something to think about, it isn't going to happen overnight, nothing ever really does, but one person who "sees and does" can make a difference. I do understand that right now you are struggling with the symptoms of PTSD and feel stuck. I know that these symptoms are very real and very challenging. So I am not suggesting that you just jump into action. I am only proposing a long term goal for you to consider as you are slowly working on yourself and how to find some "motivation" somewhere. I understand you have a short term therapist, perhaps use that time to use this therapist for information in how you can keep getting help and ways you might be able to get more assistance that you may not know about. You have to become kind of a squeeky wheel now Hellion, make sure this therapist understands you need to have a "plan" and that includes access to ongoing therapy to help you stablize and find your way forward to eventually getting more education. If you just keep saying that all you want is SSI and that you don't think you have any future, she is most likely going to chalk you up as just another person who wants to give up and is looking for some kind of free ride from the government. What I would do is I would write down what I feel I need and not only just "I need SSI so I can give up for a while". Put down more of a plan which is not only SSI, but more therapy and help to getting yourself toward also getting some kind of education too. Write it down and make two copies, one for your file that is your medical file, and one she can sign for "your own file". When you ask people to sign their name to say they have "read your request" you always have that to empower you. You have to do it in a way that is not so much threatening this therapist as it is more about your own efforts to make progress in your life. You want to be able to be "more" than just a number, you get that by getting them as attached to your number as you can. Open Eyes Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 02, 2013 at 01:01 PM. |
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#5
Jan 02, 2013, 02:41 PM
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I remember reading in one of your threads about someone suggesting you write and you replied that you would be writing as a person who is experiencing mental illness.
Well, you do write well and I can tell you are not stupid, so there is nothing wrong with writing from your standpoint. I have learned from my own therapist that many therapists are people who themselves have struggled. The better therapists are the ones that have learned to help themselves first and made gains, not just the ones that are practicing in empathy for others or because they themselves also struggle. So don't think that because you are so challenged right now you can't achieve. You would be surprised at how many people achieve "in spite" of being challenged. The desire you have now to find your way to some level plateau is very "common" for those who struggle with PTSD. I am always looking for that myself Hellion. And I am learning to understand that part of that is the disorder itself, and as I make some gains on it I get stronger. And you want to know a secret? Every time I post and reach out, I almost always struggle with a inner fear that I will somehow get slammed. And it goes all the way back to that classroom experience I shared above. But that is not the only time I got badly slammed. At least my years have taught me that many times I was right to try and make the effort, it was just that others didn't want to either listen or appreciate my effort for doing so. Open Eyes |
| Anonymous37819
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#6
Jan 04, 2013, 12:44 AM
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Also its not giving up for a while its getting an income so I can try and get a little more independence and hopefully stability which will help some things in my life like I could maybe afford the therapy. Though I would kind of be lying if I said I was planning to pursue an education...since that is really not my plan at all. Maybe some sort of technical school or certificate program but I am not certain it sort of depends on if the campus reminds me of a school or not or if I can somehow not be bothered by being triggerred by being too reminded of being in a school, either way its not currently a goal of mine. Not to mention I already have college loans I can't afford to pay back so not sure I could afford education even if I did decide to give it a go again. I was thinking more like getting to a point where I am able to hold a part time job or something. |
| Anonymous33425, Open Eyes
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#7
Jan 04, 2013, 10:21 AM
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Ok, good Hellion that is really what I was thinking you wanted. I know that sometimes it can be hard to "verbalize" it though so I just wanted you to do it as you have here with your T.
I didn't know how to "verbalize" how I was struggling when it came to me gaining a further education Hellion. I was looking for a "smaller and safer environment" just as you are discribing because I felt there was no way I could handle a big college. I can see why now, but I didn't have a diagnoses of PTSD or that I was like that because of trama. Oh, I really wish I had that understanding back then, I really struggled so much. I was accepted at a presitgous art school, it would have been "perfect" for me because it was small and not anything like a regular school. But my father said "NO" because "he" wanted me to go to a big college with a liberal arts program. I could not explain why I was so afraid of that and just couldn't do it. I ended up very depressed and I slept alot feeling lost and confused. I cried and cried because my father wouldn't let me go to that art school. I ended up going to a small business school, but I didn't like it, now that I think of it, it was too much like a "school environment" where I was hurt so bad. I was constantly hyperventalating, and often dizzy and there were times I would just go to the sick room that was quiet and dark and I would fall sound asleep. And now that I think of that, that is what I also did in grammer school. Hellion, believe me, I know the damage constant bullying causes, I lived it. But I didn't have the help that is offered now, I had no place to ask for help. In my day that was just something children had to "tough up to", it was awful. So it is nice to see you have a plan, I can understand it and why. Just make sure you talk about it with the therapist so you get the right help. I can also understand what you mean about finding a way to be independant of your parents. I actually ran away because I couldn't get my parents to understand me, my father was very pushy. I got a job as a cocktail waitress and found a small apartment. The first three weeks I was in my apartment all I did was sleep and work my job. I was a lost soul too Hellion. I think that is why I hear you so well sometimes and try to reach out to you. Just keep voicing what you need Hellion, because it "is" what you need to make gains. (((Hugs)))), Open Eyes |
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#8
Jan 04, 2013, 06:34 PM
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I do want to tell you Hellion that you are "not" dumb either. Just because you need more time and learn slowly now, doesn't mean you are dumb.
Because of the bullying I was exposed to not only by students, but by my siblings and even teachers who just assumed I was going to be "challenged" like my brother was, I did struggle to learn. But, what happens is that kind of environment stressed me and led me to think I was "less than" or "not good enough" and that is what made me struggle to learn. If you think of a computer, which is compatible to our human brain, when a computer gets a virus it runs "slow" right? Well that is what happens to our brains too, only we don't always know it. But it doesn't mean someone is dumb or incapable somehow. You just need some time to learn and get going, you are just lost right now. Don't be like me Hellion, don't be 50 years old and finally be told you are infact very intelligent, a gifted person, missed your calling, should have....done this or that by professionals. I never expected to hear that, it is really sad too. All my efforts to become "resourceful" was because I was actually very smart. It never occured to me that because I could sit down with that geometry book and teach myself most of that book and be not just about the only person that actually passed the test, but to get a 97? It was because I was smart enough to do that. I was so horrified at how that teacher made fun of me for that I just got too scared to ever do that again. My brain developed a fear of achievement, and everytime I did achieve, I was always anxious and looking over my shoulder, waiting for something bad to happen. It took me years to understand that as I do now. Dont let being bullied allow you to ever sell yourself "short". (((Hugs))) Open Eyes |
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#9
Jan 09, 2013, 12:28 PM
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I would have to disagree that I am not incapable somehow, if that wasn't the case I wouldn't be applying for SSI. As much as I might not like it the PTSD and other disorders have made me incapable of holding a job or functioning in this society. I don't particularly agree with this society so I am fine if I don't function well in it on a moral level but I need to survive so not being able to function in it gets to be a problem. People already have told me I am intelligent and gifted, but thus far its not doing me much good.....and sometimes I wish I wasn't so intelligent because then maybe people would acknowledge I really do have severe issues and trouble functioning and I would be less aware of the state of the world and all the difficulties I have. I don't really think I am letting being bullied allow me to sell myself short...it is a fact my intelligence while nice and all is not an asset in this society. Playing the game without thinking too much is, also not having mental illnesses that interfere with even basic functioning. I mean people already veiw me as a freak, a weirdo or just a bit off so I can express my intelligence all I want and most people aren't going to take it seriously because I'm just one of the crazy people. I mean the worlds a dark place so to me it doesn't do me much good to have too much hope that I will eventually bloom and reach my success...it does not have to happen and it very well might not the worlds not fair so I shouldn't expect it to be. |
| Open Eyes
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#10
Jan 09, 2013, 12:45 PM
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Hi Hellion,
First of all, I want to tell you that I relate SO CLOSELY to what you wrote in your first post of the thread. I also get overstimulated so easily, and often need to be alone to rest or "regroup." I overthink things and feel things deeply, and both of these lead me to feeling both emotionally overwhelmed and physically exhausted. I like being with people and talking about deep stuff too, but then it's like i have to recover. Even in therapy, we have to address things in small portions, so that i don't feel overtaxed. What helped me alot was learning that I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Basically, it means that we are very sensitive to stimuli, both in our environment, and also internally. We process things deeply, we feel things deeply, and think deeply. This can lead to feeling overstimulated. However, there are alot of benefits to being an HSP. We can be very insightful, intuitive, compassionate, and creative. If you haven't looked into it yet, I suggest you go to Elaine Aron's Highly Sensitive Person Web site. There is a test you can take to find out if you are a HSP. Also, she has written 2-3 books for HSPs, which have helped me alot to learn about my sensitivities and how to adjust my life in a way that takes into consideration my HSP nature! |
| Open Eyes
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#11
Jan 09, 2013, 02:10 PM
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#12
Jan 17, 2013, 05:20 PM
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This reminds me of a time when i was in 8th grade and i did my homework and the teacher asked me if i did it myself and of course since i did she told me i lie like a rug, i was so embarrased i didn't know what to do i had to just sit there and take it.I still don't know why she said that but i believe it was uncalled for. i felt so bad as i am terribly shy or was back then she crushd my soul in front of the whole class,
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| Open Eyes
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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