I went to therapist this afternoon

I was really in a mess when I went to my therapist today. At least I talked more about "the forbidden subject" than I ever have. I read something today that really triggered some old memories and feelings. Since then I have been pretty overwhelmed and having trouble reeling it back in. My therapist says I have dissociated since I was a child and we're going to start opening up all that stuff. I thought that I had already done that before but she said I didn't take care of it all. She said that it's going to take a while. I don't know if I'm up to it. I may seem cold, distant, but I learned at a very young age that the way to handle scary emotions was to just store them away. I've done that all of my life. It's been my one source of survival. I go through every day just existing, punishing myself with self-defeating behavior and not caring about me. It's easier than facing all of the demons and feeling all of the shame and guilt. But see I'm getting really worn out now. There's too much baggage to carry around anymore and no outlet to get relief.

I don't really know who I am. Heck, maybe I'm a snert. I've never told people that I have this problem, ability, this life long skill of shutting down emotionally to survive. Where others in my family feel badly about something, I feel nothing. Does that make me heartless? I don't think I am. But my coping techniques, however sick they may be, did not help much today. The pain is there and I can't seem to just put it away like always. I'm sorry. I'm just rambling on, making little sense. I'm glad that I found this place.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yokus}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are definitely not a snert. It sounds like you are about to start a new leg of your journey of self-discovery. Yes, dissociating served you well in the past. It does not mean that you are insensitive - you felt this pain so much that you had to put it away. But now the situation is different and you will learn new ways to cope that will be more effective for you now. It's not easy, but most things that are worthwhile are not. You'll do just fine.


<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

I also have that skill, yokus, and after awhile it does get difficult. I am not as good at shutting down as I used to be (I blame my T for that) and I actually prefer the way I used to be.

Life was less stressful and not so emotional. You're not cold, just self-protective. That is not bad.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yokus}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are definitely not a snert ok?

We all have different coping skills.......this is just how you handled things. Gosh, growing up we were taught to sweep things under a rug....that was what was shown to our parents.

I am so sorry you had a difficult day hun. I do notice that you are much more open with us now than you were before and I think that is a good thing. You are so loved by your sister Susan too....another wonderful thing .

Keep posting to us....keep offering the support that you are always showing to others and let us help you as much too hun. You really are a terrific person.


Heather

I understand that your therapists approach is the one generally used to help deal with past traumas. However, when I was going through all of my past in therapy it began to be compulsive. I found myself going deeper and deeper into illness. My symptoms became worse not better. He told me that he felt it was not good for me to go into my memories or into my feelings, but that I needed to go deeper than that. He wanted me to go into my spirit, the part of me that was buried by emotion and history, but remained clear and strong. This is what heals, I truly feel that this is what is finally helping.

-Ariel

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe

IMHO if you symptoms worsen as you continue in therapy, then that is a signal to slow therapy down. Your T. will/ should know this.

Some ebbs and flows will occur but if it becomes overwhelming, then the T. should lighten up the sessions for a while for you.

...I can misspeak like the best of us

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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your post hits home with me

(((((((Huggs)))))))))

[i] <font color=purple> Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world." Ralph Waldo Emerson</font color=purple>