[notablackbarbie]

...and
-tired
-sad
-crying on and off
-frustrated at how my back and head hurts more
-remembering a lot more
-angry
-guilty and ashamed
-triggered by so much - like kicks to the head and chest = child abuse cases in the news, teenage suicides, yelling, broken plates, doors, music lyrics, judgement...
-surprisingly still shocked at how intense my feelings were for a guy, that moved away for school just last week
-failing a lot in school = dropped courses, may just withdraw from university all together
-feel bad at how i disappoint my mom and my sister so much - i am a failure
-feel bad for not caring more trying more doing more being more wasting so much
-feel bad for not considering so much more out there = so many others with less while i am just a selfish pile of ****.

I am so screwed up. And alone...

Would having an official diagnosis of PTSD help? Could more be done besides dr appointments, medication, group therapy, trauma work activities with art, mindfullness, connecting more with GOD in and out of church, being in school and employed...

*curls back into a ball and *

Sorry for bothering you all...

[unaluna]

My ts used to tell me, and I didn't believe them, but you don't HAVE to be affected by it all. The rest of the world can go on without you. You will be the only one who suffers if you don't meet the goals you set for yourself, if you allow others to distract you from your path. Do you have any role models in this? It might be helpful. My parents always told me they were "special people" who did stuff like the Olympics, but I really think there is only one kind of people, cuz I met some Olympians, and they were just normal people. But with goals they worked towards every day.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by hankster

My ts used to tell me, and I didn't believe them, but you don't HAVE to be affected by it all. The rest of the world can go on without you. You will be the only one who suffers if you don't meet the goals you set for yourself, if you allow others to distract you from your path. Do you have any role models in this? It might be helpful. My parents always told me they were "special people" who did stuff like the Olympics, but I really think there is only one kind of people, cuz I met some Olympians, and they were just normal people. But with goals they worked towards every day.

Thanks for your response, hankster...
It just seems like i can never escape. All the condemnation is always there inside, and forever remembered. Any outside arguments just reinforce the condemnation further, but can never forget...

...On top of that, it just seems like if I focus on just me, and cut *the rest* out, i am considered selfish and greedy too. Adding more shame and guilt it seems.

I am sorry if this sounds so self-defeating and hopeless. I should do and be better by now. Instead, digging through all of this stuff from the past still impacting the present more and more just appears to create a bigger hole - more dirt, more anger, more memories, more frustrations, more triggers, more pain, more guilt and shame, more rage and hatred... I am just in this open hole, torn-open wound, ripped apart layers to a sick and raw core. And still the rest of the world goes on, obviously. Shouldn't revolve around me either - so many still with different needs/wants/desires; so many with so much less. Of course, continue with the debris and distractions and demands flying by all over, and need to be addressed too in someway (yes, no, not now, how...).

Yet I can't. I can't. I am a mess. And all I do makes more mess and makes it all worse...

...really should just stop and end completely.

[Open Eyes]

((notablackbarbie)),

It sounds like you never got an official diagnosis of PTSD. You did some trama work though? Well, it doesnt sound like you got to "mourn" your losses enough, and have enough resolve either.

If someone is struggling with PTSD, they do become self absorbed, not because they are being "selfish" either, but because they are trying to find ways out of not having the "intrusive" thoughts or reactions.

I can relate to the struggles, and feelings of guilt. I sit across from my Therapist and tell him I am trying so hard and I still get triggered, have similar symtoms you are discribing, and I get exhausted. Then he reminds me how far I have come and to be "patient" because I am in the "grieving stage" in my recovery work.

Have you been in college? Maybe you need to slow down because it is hard to concentrate on too much when struggling with PTSD. School can be challenging for anyone, but PTSD takes normal challeges and magnifies them, makes it harder. So, it is better if you keep your schedule light instead of overloading. Please don't be hard on yourself, the fact that you are trying, thats good, but it is going to take you more time, as you are saying, you are experiencing alot of triggers and intrusive memories and feelings, so you need to slow down and get back into therapy too.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Yoda]

[notablackbarbie]

Off t T tommorrow actually...what would happen if this were brought up? What next...

[Open Eyes]

When you struggle with "anything" NBB, you should not have to worry about going over it with your T. Your T is there to help guide you so you can work through whatever challenges you have going on. If you have time tonite, write a list of the things that have been bothering you so you don't forget to talk about them once you are with your T.

Let us know how you make out.

(((Hugs)))

[notablackbarbie]

now...at the end of the day...

tired
after crying for an hour
then a shower, more tears, and curled up in bed
i am hopeless pointless worthless
the memories and reminders never stop
i am hopeless pointless worthless

sorry for the mess here too.
sorry

[notablackbarbie]

...nothing.
i guess giving up more and more
should just stop. completely stop and end.
i am a screwup
i am a waste
and nothing...

[Open Eyes]

(((notablackbarbie)),

You do know that is the PTSD talking. You need to work on having some positive chants to conteract these feelings. If I was here posting what you posted, how would you address me. I have to be honest, I can get that way myself you know. I have had those bad days where I crawl into my bed and curl up too, with disappointment in self.

OE

[spondiferous]

All I can say is, I relate. Keep coming back. Keep posting, sharing, raging, crying. Keep going through it. It will pass. And then it will resurge. And then it will pass. And then it will resurge. And each time you will learn a different - better - way of coping so that the destructive urges are not so strong. Hang in there. You're worth it. And if you can't believe it right now, let us believe it for you.