[Mama Char-Lee]

I ran into another pedo-page on facebook. This one was pretty horrific. I reported 3 pics and 1 video, and facebook removed them, but not the page. I was dumbfounded. So I sent the URL to about a dozen different Anonymous groups (as well as reported it to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children tip line), and yesterday morning, I received a notification that the page was officially deleted.
It was a small victory, but short-lived. I'm afraid to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see those kids. I only needed a fraction of a second to comprehend what I was actually seeing before I slapped my hand on the screen, blocking it out so I could report it, but they're all there, burned into my brain. I took my Vistaril and Klonopin, but by that time it was too late. I hit an 8 - that's the all-over body shakes and nausea and prickers all over my skin, but an 8 is good. I had expected a 9 to take over, like it usually does whenever I see that garbage. (9 is when I freeze, and 10 is snapping out of the paralysis and attempting suicide just to get away from the imaginary monsters in my mind).
The kicker in all of this was I'n not even hunting these pages down anymore; it was just a random page I followed back from a few other pages, going from link to link with different funny pictures.
I have been weaning myself down on the meds. I went from 3 vistaril, 2 klonopin and 1 remeron a day, and now it's 1 of each right before bed, unless I have an "episode." I was warned not to up and quit the klonopin or the remeron, because "if I didn't feel like killing myself before, I sure will if I do that." I'm tired of being a braindead zombie, but I can't deal with looking at little kids, wondering if they're being messed with, if they have to live through the nightmare that I did when I was little. It's "Scumfest Weekend" where I live, and we have hundreds of people walking up and down my street all day and night long for the holiday. I can't look out the window, and I try not to listen to the noises, because every time I hear a kid crying, my skin gets all prickery and the psychotic mama-bear in me comes out.
I thought I was doing so well, and it only took minutes to undo months of hard work and therapy. I feel like I'm back at square one. I feel like if I go to bed right now and lay down, the second I close my eyes, I'm gonna see those kids again. The one girl was 5 years old. 5. A baby. And people wonder why I hate us as a species as much as I do.
Sorry, I just needed to vent. I've been awake for about 28 or 29 hours now. I lost count. I took my pills, I've tried doodling and editing my books, just to stay busy. I'm falling apart, and if I say anything to my husband - even though I love him with all my heart - he's gonna say something stupid like "You shouldn't have cut down on your meds!" or "You're not supposed to be on facebook anyway!" ...as if that could fix all of my problems. Whatever. I'm going to go pick away at my books and maybe by the time I pass out, I won't dream of anything.

[Piraeus]

It's sick when people do this to little kids. I wish there was an island we could send all these weird people. I would send them to the moon. It seems to be a trigger for you. Maybe you could to discuss this with your therapist. I think that would help you. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist would help with the bad dreams.

I hope everything works out for you.
Sincerely,

Piraeus

[Mama Char-Lee]

Thanks, Piraeus. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, (although it's been a few months since I've spoken to him). I try so hard to physically speak about what happened when I was little, but it feels like there are hands around my throat, choking me so hard that I can't speak, much less breathe. I think I might have to write it down, but I don't know if knowing the details would make much of a difference.
Even the thought of writing it gives me the shakes and makes me queasy.
And if it was up to me, I'd send every last one of those godforsaken pedo's out on aircraft carriers wearing concrete shoes, and I'd sink them all over the Mariana Trench. Let 'em drown and feed the fish with their leftovers. The piece of shhhit that did this to me did the same thing to his step-daughter, from the time she was 6 until she was 12. He served 2 years out of his 10-year sentence, because his kids harassed the little girl so much that she recanted her story...even after I told my mother what he did to me. So Uncle Pedo moved to Florida, where he's now a sunday school teacher. So, anyone that has children that attends sunday school in florida (or anywhere else), just know that there's a really good chance that their sunday school teacher is a child molester.
I hate him, and I will continue to hate him with my very last breath.
A lot of idiots out there don't realize what happens to the sexually abused little girls when they grow up. Some of them grow up normal. Some of them grow up with very big grudges, not just against the perv's, but against society in general because they failed at protecting them.
I know I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't have to worry about kids that aren't mine. I shouldn't have to worry that the "monsters" are going to eventually take over and machinate my body, just enough to pull the trigger or pop the pills or jump the cliff. I just want it to be the way it was before; back when I saw these things happening from across the room. I literally separated myself from the abuse...I always knew what happened and I'd never deny it, but I felt nothing, other than a little shame afterwards, because I was a "dirty little girl." Who the fcuk says that to a 5-year-old girl??
Sometimes I wonder if I buried that terrified little girl I used to be alive, deep down inside where she couldn't see the light of day. Not to sound like I've got some kind of wonky personality disorder, but it feels like she's trying to come to the surface, like that creepy Samara girl from "The Ring." Yikes.
Good night, my friends.

[Open Eyes]

Can you get in touch with the Church he is teaching Sunday School at and warn them anonymously? Make sure you speak with a woman?

One of the big challenges with PTSD is the "anger" that needs to be expressed, or often just comes out. Also the anger comes from how it is felt that other people are not believing or might be dismissive or blaming of the victim in some way.

Pedophiles are truly "evil" IMO and they always seem to find a way to gain "trust" in the community too. And they seem to retain people that refuse to believe "they are a bad person" too, Not "uncle" he is always so nice and caring and helps out".

Mama Char-Lee, please know that PTSD can turn the anger "inward" too, and that little girl inside you doesn't deserve that. You talk about a length of time where this pain was put in a place where you functioned better as a person. I am sure a lot of your anger is about the fact that not only did you struggle with something "bad", you thought you managed to survive and thrive and never expected to struggle with PTSD. I feel that way myself too. I also feel triggered by the PTSD because of how others don't "respect or even can be dismissive of the challenge of PTSD too".

You can't or should not bury that hurt child in yourself, that is not fair to her. You need to "comfort" her and "mourn" whatever was lost to her, yet help her finally heal. You need to think about others who need "help" with this too, would you want them to "self punish too"?

As human beings, we are designed to "remember" and "be affected" by bad things, dangerous things that happen to us so we can "sound an alarm" to insure human survival.
The deep desires to "eliminate" whatever is bad does come too, because it is how we learn, survive and thrive. However, because we are so intelligent, we also try to find out "why" something is bad, what makes it develop into something bad?.

You are not alone in your deep anger about predators who pick children for their victims.
What will help you more is to find ways to not only help yourself, but to be a part of the "awareness" and "prevention" and also the "right to heal for victims". And it is clear that many parents out there are not paying close enough attention to the people who are around their children and that also includes siblings of their own children.

You "did" exhibit signs that you were a victim, I know I did and I now remember how I was constantly under stress, but I didn't know what stress/anxiety was as a child.

I made sure to talk to my daughter about what can happen and that "no one" should touch her private areas, and she should not be touching or doing anything with other children either.

The defense against "evil" is "awareness" and while you do see how there are predators out there, there are also predators that are being "punished and locked up" too. And as we slowly begin to learn that "they never recover and will only offend again" we will take steps to keep them out of society. It takes time to "study" and get to a point where the realization or proof comes to light about how some predators cannot be rehabilitated or changed.

So your "self punishing" is not going to help you, or anyone else, you need to turn this around to becoming something that has "awareness and healing" in it. The only way we eventually get to a "big change" is by having people do things in small ways to a point where these people add up and connect and it leads to a big change.

OE

[Open Eyes]

. I'm falling apart, and if I say anything to my husband - even though I love him with all my heart - he's gonna say something stupid like "You shouldn't have cut down on your meds!" or "You're not supposed to be on facebook anyway!" ...as if that could fix all of my problems. Whatever. I'm going to go pick away at my books and maybe by the time I pass out, I won't dream of anything. ~quote Mama Char- Lee

It is important for you to remember that your husband is not "purposely" trying to sabotage you or be dismissive or condescending. I have to admit that I often feel the same challenges about my husband, and he "was" mean and dismissive towards me until my T explained to him at different times that "I really am challenged" and he needs to be more supportive. I went through a period where any "dismissive comments" made me flair up in anger and lash out, it was as if there was a part of me so filled with anger that if triggered the anger just came out all on it's own and I could not stop it either.

The "healing" from PTSD does have these periods where it can feel that in spite of an effort to "heal and gain" something "can" trigger so deeply that it feels like a "relapse".
Well, the healing through PTSD is not a steady climb, it does include periods of maintaining for a while and then being "triggered" and having a struggle again. However, as time goes on and you continue to commit to the healing process, you will gradually recognize that while these episodes do come up, you can also understand them better and "slowly" work past them.

As far as your medication is concerned, yes, reducing the dosage can be tricky. You need to remember that once a medication wears off it will be a challenge to "control" the anxiety on your own. I weaned myself completely off of Klonopin and it was hard and I had to learn how to self sooth instead of just being basically "sedated'. However, looking back, I had to learn about PTSD and understand it first before I could work on reducing the Klonopin. I do have to admit that there have been days where I would be triggered so badly that I do take 1/2 a pill to help me because I am just too exhausted and in too much pain. You need to be careful with lowering dosages of medications and pay attention to your mood etc too. I understand you don't want to feel "doped up" all the time, but you do have to be "careful" about medications.

What has "helped" me is "therapy" as well as finding others that do "understand the challenge, work through it too and are "supportive" towards me. If I have access to others that "validate" the way I struggle instead of handing me "just do this" comments, I do much better. I find that helps with my healing especially because if someone can "relate and validate' I don't get triggered into that "little girl that was dismissed and struggled" too. And if I am angry and I happen to express it verbally, I would rather have someone who can "validate my anger, listen to it" verses "react to it with anger themselves". My husband tends to do that and I wish he would stop "reacting" and just be supportive and understanding and say, "Its. ok, let the anger out, I understand and I am not taking it personally, I understand that you need to express it, see it for yourself too before you can work through it an "heal".

What I can offer to you is just that, I hear you, I see you have a lot of anger and you need to "verbalize" it and have it "validated" too. You also need to "hear it too" so you can see the parts of yourself that you "suppressed" and didn't really realize it. It's ok to let "anger out" and have it validated instead of thinking or being told "well then don't do this or that if you get angry" as though you are supposed to keep it suppressed. No, healing through PTSD is finally expressing whatever is trapped and putting it into words and having it validated and "finally getting the comfort you never had" and that you even "denied yourself" too.

(((Hugs)))
OE