[Grey Matter]

On August 11th, it will be officially a year since my brother died in our home. I was keeping it mostly together when it turned August 1st. But as the date approaches (now two days away) I am feeling more out of place. More on the verge of an episode where I go to where my mom and I found him.

I haven't eaten in four or so days because the thought of walking through the kitchen where he died is terrifying me beyond belief. I see his urn and I want to throw up. And then I forget he is even dead. And then I wonder how a year has even gone by. A year without him, without my only best friend. I am terrified and hate my brain and how disconnected I am with my body but maybe it's for the best.

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry for your loss and can understand how the anniversary of his death will be really hard on you. The first anniversary is always the worst. I would suggest you eat even if it means leaving the house for food. You can't stay emotionally stable if you are not eating. I'm sorry you have to look at his urn, that has to be difficult. Maybe you could ask your mom to put it away for a while. Even though, I know she must be grieving also. I don't have any words that will take away your pain, but I do want you to know that someone is thinking of you in your time of grief.
Take care,
Gayle

[Open Eyes]

(((Teen Idle))),

Oh hun, I am sorry, a year is not very long at all, especially with such a huge loss and traumatic loss like that.

Was there a place you and your brother ever went and enjoyed together? Can you maybe go there and do something to "celebrate" what he meant to you instead of just his passing?

I you were the one that passed and it was him that was struggling, what would you want him to do? You would not want him to feel "pain" on every anniversary would you? You would want him to remember "the friendship and love you shared together and not just the loss".

What helps a lot of people "heal" is to find a way to "remember a lost one" in a positive way. Often people start up a scholarship or a special fund of some kind that has a purpose to it to "improve someone's life" in "memory of".

(((Big Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Grey Matter]

thank you both.
I have no urge to eat or to drink which I have been getting water so I should be fine. I may just ask a friend to bring food over later since I am starting to feel dizzy.

I am going to celebrate his life. It's not that, that is bothering me. It's the fact that a year has gone by and so many pieces of the year are missing and all I can remember is my mom urging me and my sister to sit down and my parents told us he died. And all I can visualize is this human, this person I adored, laying in a morgue alone and I decided not to see him. I wish I would have. The thought of everything just piles up and attacks me and I can't shake it off of me no matter how hard I try.

[Open Eyes]

(((Teen Idle))),

If it helps any, most of the parents that lost children in the Newtown tragedy decided "not" to see their children afterwards. Most likely they were advised that it was better for them so they would not have to keep remembering their child that way, but to instead think of them in healthier ways.

It has been somewhat of a debate about seeing someone who is no longer alive. Some feel that it is better to say last goodbyes and for the mind to register that the person has in fact passed on. Yet others feel it is better to remember the person alive and not have that image of the person deceased to think about.

What is known that it really does take time to grieve the passing of someone we loved and some people take longer than others to get to a point where they finally accept it and can move on with their lives.

For me personally, I believe that when someone dies only their body dies and their energy lives on as we do know that energy itself never really dies, it just turns into something else. IMHO, you brother was not alone in that morgue, he is still with you, however what is there is his energy and love and he is without pain.

Some people go to mediums who can help them understand that their loved one is still there for them and still care and are ok.

((Hugs))
OE

[Grey Matter]

I don't believe in an after life. I believe atoms are released at the time of death and decomposition and that those atoms continue creating life. If there is an after life I hope he is doing well.

Because this reality is hell.