[aidan1970]

I am not sure where to put this-it can go in the self-injury forum, but fundamentally the behavior is caused by PTSD. I hope I don't upset anyone.

I really don't know if I can be very articulate. I have been working very hard with my therapist this summer on a trauma recovery program (as outlined In Judith Herman's book Trauma and Recovery). It has had its difficult times but overall it is going relatively well and I have been able to remain stable or employ "self-rescue skills when things are difficult. I have tried very hard not to call my therapist off hours (and haven't) -and have only called him a few times during his open work hours. He has a new baby and I don't want to be a burden. There are other issues related to guilt, unworthiness and fear of tainting him with my horridness, too.

This past week I was kind of blind-sided by the topic/past trauma we worked on. It was a subject that I hadn't anticipated working on and I would not have thought it would have destabilized me as it has. I really want my therapist to understand how much pain I am in and words don't seem to be enough. In the past, I have used self-injury as my communication tool. I have not done that very often in the past year, but am feeling that I need to communicate my pain somehow-I want him to know how badly I feel and I know that sutures are a pretty clear indicator that I am in pain.

I am not trying to be provocative-just honest. There are other reasons that I have the urge to self-injure but I know that the true, deep reason...the "real truth" reason is that I am in so much emotional pain after our session that I can not put into words, I need more support and I am afraid to ask so want to "show him" instead.

I feel awful and guilty that I feel this way.

[MotownJohnny]

Isn't support and professional advice and assistance why we go to therapists? Instead of trying to show him by hurting yourself, I think you should contact the therapist and tell him what you have said here.

[Open Eyes]

(((aidan))),

A good therapist that specializes in working with patients struggling with PTSD and complex PTSD understand this pain. Believe me, there isn't much you can say that has not been heard before. You are not going to "disturb" this therapist with what you say or feel, they hear terrible things all the time.

A "good" therapist's desire is to "help you get through all of your challenges" and with time "you will".

Your feeling awful and guilty about what you are struggling with and feeling is very common. I have struggled like that myself (((Hugs))). Please make sure you are "patient and caring with yourself" because you are not wrong or bad for being challenged and it certainly isn't your fault either.

Please try not to "self harm" if you can, if you need to, you can always come here and vent or ask for support. You deserve support, you deserve time to heal, and you also deserve to "self care" too.

You need to be patient if you don't get an immediate response here. It never means you are "not important" either. A response depends on when members who struggle like you are on line and looking at the PTSD forum.

One day at a time ok? You will slowly work through all of this, believe me, you are truly not alone with this challenge.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[aidan1970]

Thank you for your words MotownJohnny and OE.
After I wrote my post I did email my therapist. I work diligently at transparency with him-and it actually works very well. This topic was tough because I felt that if I told him I wanted to self injure to communicate my pain that he would think I was being manipulative. I didn't mean to sound in my post that I was planning to self-injure-I was just trying to state that that is my automatic thought/behavior and that I know now that it was once my only way to communicate. It no longer is my only way to express myself, but it is still an automatic thought and seems like the only way sometimes.

My purpose in engaging in this piece of trauma work right now was to move forward and begin to heal. I now that self-injury would not move me forward, but keep me in my pain forever. My struggle this past week is feeling such emotional pain-and feeling very alone with it. I employed the strategies I have learned, but the last few days I have just felt incredibly alone in my pain.

[IndieVisible]

Hey no worries, there is no better place to unwind, let loose, and vent then right here where no matter what you say you will not be judged, well except from the mods we do need to abide by their rules

[spiritlost]

i have those thoughtsof showing therapists my pain...i feel like i dont belong in the world and i have always struggled to communicate verbally..in si i dont need to talk