[Jesster77]

Hi there,
I am newly diagnosed with Bipolar I and PTSD after a serious suicide attempt and a 2 week hospital stay. Mental illness runs rampant in my family, and I losst my dad to suicide in 2010 as a result.

I have a loving husband and 4 awesome boys; I feel terrible every day when I look at what I'm putting them through. I don't want to leave, but some days, it feels like the only way I can save them from the torment of living with someone who isn't well.

I'm still trying to get my meds sorted out. I feel like my doc and I are on the right track, but I know it can take a really long time for some people to find the right combination of meds. Ironically, I find that depressing in itself.

I'm on medical leave from my job as a college professor, and after leaving the hospital, I feel quite alone when it comes to communicating with others who "get" what I'm going through. My family really tries, but it's like trying to explain kissing to a person who doesn't have lips. (I know that's a sad analogy, but I'm tired.)

I just want to get to the point where I feel like I'm worthy of being loved even though I'm far from perfect. I've spent my whole life pushing people away because of my illness. I want to stop. Losing what I have now would be unfathomably hurtful to everyone involved, especially myself.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I'm looking forward to meeting you all.

Best,
Jesster

[gayleggg]

Welcome, Jester. We have some wonderful forums. Take a look around and post when you wish or start a thread of your own. I think you will find this to be a very supportive place to be. Hope you find what you are looking for here at PC.

[MotownJohnny]

We love listening to a good ramble. Take it from me, only here a month and a half, and I think I'm the king of rambling on here. Welcome, this site rocks, everyone is so nice and understanding, and I am learning a lot about PTSD, plus I appreciate the emotional support more than anyone can know.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jesster))),

Welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now. It is good to hear you have a doc that is helping you, but do you have a therapist to work with too?

Oh, hun, all of us can relate to the challenge of having family and others understand how challenging PTSD is. You are not alone and whatever you do, do "not" give in to feeling you are somehow a bother for your family ok? I went through that myself and I got into a very dangerous mindset. But I am doing better now, so give yourself time and do "not" give into these "bad feelings" ok?

Right now, you absolutely must be dedicated to helping yourself, do not worry about what others think and feel either, you must decide to take whatever time you need to "heal" and hun, it does take time.

One of the things I realized is that for a time, I did have these "bad thoughts" and it is important to remember that "they do subside" just as some of the other symptoms of PTSD. As you commit to working through it, these bad feelings "will slowly go away", so never feed into them.

If you have a bad day, come here and talk. Be patient though because sometimes it takes some time for a response as it all depends on who is on PC and reading the forums that are actual "members" and not just "guests" as "guests" cannot post in the forums.

There are very kind, caring and supportive members here that totally understand the "no lips and kissing" Yes, we know about that challenge so you are not alone.

(((Big Welcoming Hugs))))
OE

[HealingNSuffering]

Welcome Jesster! Fellow Michigander Mental Illness runs in my family to, as does substance abuse, I hope you find the support you need here. I totally agree with Open Eyes get into a good therapy program, Cognitive Behavior Therapy seems to work the best for me and reducing my negative self-talk. I'm starting to feel "worthy" again, I'm realizing my strengths now instead of feeling so powerless. It changes the way you think about things, it will make you are more positive person who is easier to get along with.