[MizCassily]

Hi! I'm new here, and my reason for joining is that I have a close friend who needs help and refuses to get help, and I'm at the point where I need to set a bottom line. I've tried looking for help with him in a lot of different places, and I've mostly been told I can't force him to get help and I need to take care of myself. I'm posting in a couple of different forums here because I'm not sure exactly what his specific illness is, but I believe at least a couple are at work here, and I need all the help I can get, because I've been completely on my own dealing with him. I apologize for the length, but I want to be as clear as possible in order to get the appropriate help.

I'm dealing with a male in his 20s raised by an abusive alcoholic dad and mom with (still untreated) BPD, in which he was the "bad" one of the 3 children in his mom's eyes, and he has chronic/complex PTSD, major depression, possibly some chronic mild traumatic brain injuries (from concussions from fighting), and possibly traits of BPD himself. He has a lot of rage and speaks abusively and violently and inappropriately to me, and he's been using suicidal threats to manipulate me for a while.

What's happened is that he has burned all of his bridges with the people who previously tried to support him. With his friends now, he conceals his rage and suicidal thoughts and violence and reserves it exclusively for me. When I reach out to his friends, none of whom I really know myself, what I say seems totally out of character and I sound like a "crazy" dramatic female to them. He promised me a year and a half ago (after being discharged from a mental hospital when he left town for a while and sent a suicide letter home to me) that he would get help, but that hasn't happened, he's gotten much worse and basically sits around his house watching tv until time for work. He may lose his job today for missing too many days (he's held this job for 6 months, the first job he's actually held in two years), and he swore to me last night he would kill himself or leave town forever if he loses this job. I stopped having much contact with him last month when I realized that he hasn't killed himself in the past year he's been threatening and that I can't mend the problems in my own life this situation has caused until I distance myself from his rampages while he decides to stagnate in his illness(es). When he has a nightmare or a flashback, though, I get a barrage of texts of how awful his life is and he can't take anymore and he will be dead soon. Then he says either sexually inappropriate comments or something that he knows will hurt me. When I ask him to stop, he flies into a rage and tells me how I caused all his problems and he hates me and hopes I rot knowing how I destroyed him. Then he demands crassly that I run away and marry him or do some thing sexual or else he's leaving. Then he curses at me. This usually continues for hours, even when I have no protest and tell him he's right and I'm sorry and I love him and I want him to get better. If I turn off my phone or don't respond, it enrages him further and he escalates.

One example is yesterday. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks, which is a bit of a relief because I can't deal with the roller coaster and abuse. He was hurtful last time we spoke and I asked him not to text until he apologized for hurting me and then we would move past it. Well, instead, he waited it put and texted something he views as flirty and playful, but I find disrespectful (yes, there was a time after we became best friends that I wanted to marry him, but I do not want an ultimatum marriage with someone this ill, who has abused and cheated on me, and refuses to get any sort of appropriate treatment; he continually insists that if I were with him and he could come home to me, he would be "better"). I ignored the flirty aspect and simply was nice so he wouldn't be angry at me refusing to talk. Eventually, after a couple of hours after our last text, he sent a very lewd text to me. He knows that goes against my moral principles and that I consider it disrespectful to speak to me in that manner. I texted back simply "stop". He descended from there saying thanks for making me feel guilty and depressed again, I'll be sure to text next time I feel good and want to be brought back down again, and then descended into profanity, telling me to f*** off, this is bulls***, etc. (he also knows I don't curse and do not care to be around profanity of any kind). I am so hopeless and depressed myself over having lost my friend that I have no fight left, so all of my responses are that I love him and I want him to get better and I'm sorry I hurt him and I wish I could do things differently, and every response from him was progressively worse. If I didn't answer immediately, he would get angrier. This started at 11pm last night and didn't stop until 4am. He then texted me again at 8 today saying that if someone doesn't take the fall for this (meaning some hurtful things that some former friends did right before he burned all his bridges and skipped town), he's gone for good, and he instructed me never to talk to him again (he has said is before). I asked last night what exactly he wanted me to do when he said, "yeah you're sorry, but as usual you refuse to take any action", and he said he wanted an explicit photo.

Like I said, I'm worried now because he may lose his job. He may do nothing, but this could be the time he does something bad. That's how he's kept me hanging on; I know he's sick, and I couldn't forgive myself if the one time I ignored him were the one time he followed through and killed himself. I'm very important to him, and he's always had a strong attachment to me, so I'm afraid that any action I do or do not take may have a magnified impact. I know this sounds dramatic and crazy, but I swear he only does this with me and no one else. All I want is to separate from him while he gets help and gets healthy, then for us to start therapy together to figure out how to be in Each other's lives in a healthy way. I'm at the point where I truly believe I'm dealing with multiple mental disorders, so I don't knew how much of what he does is from this or that or means another thing. I just know I'm not helping and he might get better if he knew he had to get healthy in order to keep me in his life. I'm also scared that suicide is his only bottom, and losing me would be the one thing to drive him to that point.

Incidentally, he and his dad are currently (paying) tenants in a house I own. His dad doesn't know about any of this and isn't very high-functioning himself. My friend does have something of mine I gave him to remind him I was waiting for him to get healthy, and now he is holding it hostage when I ask to have it back.

I'm unemployed and paying for school with loans and credit cards and being supported by my dad, so I can't afford therapy myself, but for now all I need is help and support in dealing with setting bottom lines with my friend. Can anyone please provide guidance? I'm desperate and I've reached out to so many people for help and I can't get any in depth help with how to deal with this. I can't keep doing this, though. I love him dearly, but It's time to stop.

[JaneC]

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I really do not know what to say in response, as you appear to be doing what you can....but I just wanted you to know you are not being ignored.

Good luck.

[tinyrabbit]

You can't force him to get help, as others have said, and it sounds like the way he is treating you is really affecting you. I personally feel he is being manipulative and abusive. His current situation explains this, but doesn't excuse it.

I want to tell you something very, very important. You say: I couldn't forgive myself if the one time I ignored him were the one time he followed through and killed himself. It would not be your fault if he killed himself. Suicide is an individual choice and he is using the threat of it to manipulate you and hold you emotionally prisoner.

The fact that he may be suicidal does not give him the right to treat you in the way that he is, nor does it oblige you to support him, keep in touch with him or help him. It's wonderful that you care, but it sounds like it's having a negative effect on you.

The first step in dealing with this is to recognise that, if he does commit suicide, it will not be your fault. You are not responsible for his feelings or his actions.

Secondly, I think you need to stop having contact with him and enlist a third party in any discussions about the house. I would strongly advise you give him an ultimatum: he needs to get help and he cannot contact you until he does. You will be sorry if he contacts you and you are unable to reply, but that is his choice, not yours.

I would personally consider getting the police involved and getting him out of your house, as he is behaving in very abusive ways. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[nicoleflynn]

You don't need to have therapy together.....He needs to work on his issues alone. My suggestion is to call a suicide hotline and explain the situation; they can help. We always need to take suicidal comments seriously. You cannot help him...he needs professional help; which of course he doesn't want to do. He is using emotional blackmail to try and hang on to you. You cannot allow that but you can get some advice from a suicide hotline; then you will know you did what you could. We cannot prevent anyone from harming themselves. Suicide is a selfish act....it leaves everyone in their wake having to live with blaming themselves, thinking there was something they could have done. There isn't...like everything in life...it is a choice.

[CedarS]

I would cut off contact. I wouldn't announce to him that I was doing it, I would just do it. I might have to one time directly tell him "Leave me alone", but I'd only do that if a domestic violence expert or the police told me I need to do that.

I'd get myself into therapy. I'd tell the therapist everything. I'd get help in focusing back on my own safety and well being. If I couldn't afford therapy I'd look for free support groups for domestic violence victims.

I'd call crisis/suicide prevention/domestic violence hotlines. I'd read books on these themes. I'd go to a support group.

I'd get professional advice on how to get him out of the house I own.

I'd get a restraining order when possible.

I'd definitely get the police involved.

I wouldn't be alone with him again.

Every time I found myself getting absorbed again wondering about all the details of why he is the way he is and what he might do......... I'd have ways to distract myself and focus on my self. I'd recognize that I'm a domestic violence survivor and that my own safety is the first priority.

I'd keep a log of all his interactions with me, in case the police need it.

No matter what, abuse is not okay. Even if the abuser is mentally ill.