[falling star]

Many people as myself with PTSD have problems without warning. I think my CPTSD diagnosis tends to be so confusing. I was driving home from work yesterday and had severe chest pain. It was so bad I thought I need help! It wasn't like a normal panic attack. It was much more painful, so I thought that I need help right away. The only place open was the hospital, which I hate. As they started to check me out, they decided I needed a full battery of tests. I kept asking what was going on and what they were doing with no clear answers. They poked and hurt me so much. I just started getting really upset and then this feeling came over me. I recognized it. It was that feeling of helplessness and I started shaking the deep inner shake I've only had a few times. Then found myself questioning if this was real or not. I just stared at the ceiling and monitors for a while thinking. My mind went through the question of why am I going through all this? What will it be like when I am older and sick a lot? What did my mom feel like months and months in the hospital bed? Are they just trying to upset me? Why can't I handle this like any other normal adult? They took all night to do everything. I was there until 5:30am from the night before. That was a lot of time to think. My nurse tried to calm me down. I wasn't screaming or anything, just scared and alone. He didn't understand and I didn't want to tell him. I just said "I feel uncomfortable." I lost my voice. I lost the ability to communicate my needs and reverted back to confusion and watching, like I have done so many times before. My T calls this the freeze syndrome. As much as people wanted to be with me, I couldn't bring myself to put anyone out. At one point I called a friend, but then felt so bad for waking them. Why should anyone else suffer with me? I slept all day today and had some more time to think. Normally I don't stop a moment to let thoughts run, but now that they are, I have a lot to say. I wrote this for myself. If you want to respond feel free, but I just needed to process it.

I'm so sorry Star. I wish I could have been there for you. It sounds like a horrible experience. I've never had to be in the hospital by myself, and truly hope I don't ever have to. You are strong woman, and you have earned my respect. Keep your chin up, and remember, you have friends that care about you tremendously.

Jeff

[dirom]

I get that deep shaking everytime I fall asleep, I wake up shaking internally, heart racing. It is scary and I have never heard anyone else say they get it. Consequently I fight falling asleep so I don't have to experience that. It is horrible. I am sorry you had a rough time. I understand those feelings.

[aidan1970]

I am sorry you are feeling like this Star. It all must have been very overwhelming. I hope you feel better soon.

[JaneC]

Star sorry you had to experience that. I hope that you begin to feel more settled soon, and are being kind to yourself.