[MotownJohnny]

I post a lot on another forum, mainly in the off topic/social board, at times in the political board and some of the activities/interest/hobbies boards. I have been extremely open about my MH problems with them, they have for the most part been a great source of support and encouragement.

When I was so down about 10 days ago, I posted about that, including about my recurring suicidal imagery. It raised concerns, but I tried to do as I did here, and reassure that this was not a case of my contemplating that, but it was a case of revisiting those thoughts and feelings so I could work through them.

One guy who I had posted a lot to about my fitness training has responded a lot to me, because he is a bit older than I am, always had self esteem and body image issues, and had done what I did, but a few years earlier, to the point that he is now retired from his career and has started a second career as a part time Personal Trainer at his health club. So, he is very knowledgeable and supportive.

Anyway, he sent me a personal message about 2 weeks ago, he was concerned but very encouraging, and he asked me to e-mail him. He even took a leap of faith and gave me his name and address, which I thought was brave over the Internet.

Yesterday, very early AM, he sent me another PM, very very kind, talking to me about self esteem, fitness, basically the same kind of pep talk my PT gives me when we work out. And, I appreciated it greatly.

And, it was also triggering. It made me very sad, because again, I was getting from a stranger the kind of love, support, and encouragement that I should have gotten from my father, and actually, from my family. They just think I'm "weird" and they do NOT approve of my choices to get myself fit and healthy. Which is sad.

But, the important thing, while I was sad about that, I didn't beat myself up. I didn't go into the "you're the scum of the earth" thinking. And I think that is pretty significant.

Oh, and today, I had a female client, who I've known quite a few years, tell me how good I looked -- she said I'm a really attractive guy. That was nice. Certainly helped the self esteem.

[gayleggg]

I'm glad you have made a friend that you have so much in common. I'm sorry that it was triggering. It can be very sad to be treated in good way when you realize it's something you should have had your entire life. It takes a long time for those old wounds to heal. I'm sorry your family doesn't appreciate and support you. Sounds like you handled it very well, though.

Congratulations on the compliment! It's a shame you couldn't have filmed so when you got down you could replay it.

[A Red Panda]

I have a really hard time with being shown kindness to. I am particularly good at discounting it, and when given a compliment or someone being nice the most I've got to is "Oh, it's nice that they think that." or "They're a really nice person to have said or done that for me."

[Open Eyes]

(((Mowtown))),

Often people will look at you funny or think you are odd, not because "you are weird" but because "they are weird". The more therapy you have and the more you get validated and begin to realize that in spite of how badly you were treated you "have" made progress in your life, the less you will be triggered.

You deserved and should have had a better parent. You could not have that choice, you had to live with what you had, which was a "dysfunctional parent" which basically led to your family also being dysfunctional.

I had a talk about that with my T today. I have had a lot of "dysfunctional" people in my life. I had no help when I had bad things happen to me much of my childhood. I developed coping techniques that "helped me to cope" with all that. What was "normal" for me is not "normal" for others. I had developed a sensitivity that others don't have as well. I pick up on things others tend to miss as well. It doesn't mean I am "unworthy or a bad person either". My T has constantly told me that I did remarkably well considering the challenges I had faced. And he would tell you the same MTJ.

You have to come to the point where you finally realize you "are a smart and worthy person", but you have to be able to believe it to the depths of you. Your family is not going to understand this journey you are on, they have not taken this journey themselves, but instead, hold on to their own "dysfunction". You "cannot" fix them either, all you can do is work on yourself and have the right people around you that "support you while you do just that".

((Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

Change..no matter how long it takes, so long as change in the right direction happens you are winning. Really pleased for you hun.