[unfuntionablytired]

I wish **** would change, but it cant . The life cycle just goes, we are all irrelevant to it, and it wont stop . Ive never had a happy moment that wasnt temporary but sadness is permanent man.its broken occasionally-yes, but permanent nevertheless. I dont have the problem of preventing myself from happiness, i just have the issue of seeing whats missing, what could be and wondering why, what could i do to reach that ideal state? nothing obviously because that would mean taking the matters of the world into my own hands which is impossible. But you know what is possible? Letting it sit on my back and hang on my eyelids and slump me over into a useless cavity of loathing. Which im content with, but no one else is. Which means i constantly end up alone. And thats where the contradictions come in. Dont change yourself to fit other peoples ideals kid, be yourself! okay, well i am. Or i hear, well you cant expect people to put up with you if your always in that solemn state. Well which is it huh? Obviously neither is an option , because if i change myself to please others i might as well stick a hammer in my head. If i stay how i am, i stay in this stuck state alone. FUN. I wanna do what bhudda did and sit down until i die. But i just dont want to do it alone. So i guess i do have a desire, just one that due to my mindset i cant reach. I feel so incapable of producing anymore empathy or sympathy to give, and i feel incapable of enjoying what i have because others dont have it. Yet i know if someone else were in my shoes theyd bask in it. Its not like theres anything i can hear at this point that wont make me feel like any sense of happiness is anything other chemicals being squeezed out of my overactive brain. I honestly just want to sleep. Im out of the angst. Im out of anger . I am void of the notion of hope . Im working towards nothing. Id feel 100 times happier a sleepy heroin addict living day by day on the street for nothing because hes going the same place were going now . nowhere. Hes gonna end up buried next to the successful middle class worker called my dad, just less dry of effort and energy my dad spent wasting on us. So we could grow up and follow his footsteps , or sit on the floor and die. I used to grasp he dumbest dumbest dumbest life plan. I figured, if im young enough to think the dumb way i do , maybe i should become a musician. HA. thats stupid. Not only do i not have the strength to make it to the day, or the manufactured talent to follow through, but theres nothing to say that hasnt been said, and theres not a soul who wont wear a band name on a tshirt just to feel cool. Its transparent. pleasing people who could give two shits about the message. I just dont want to do that. I dont want to do anything. I want to love and be loved, but im not dumb enough not to realize id be fooling myself into somethng temporary and just plain wasteful. Plus theres reality. Where do you live? How do you pay taxes, hold a steady income, put food on the table, medical care? You cant survive without playing the ****ing game, and you could never be happy if your'e aware. So yeah, obviously a dog with sunglasses isnt going to make me smile while this is on my mind, and a quince` wont put butterflies in my stomach either. I see through it all. Also, that stupid stupid dream of escaping the reality i couldnt handle by "living in the wild". Building a log cabin and running away from it for good. How shallow and stupid. It wont work man. There is more than this little naive teenage mind knows , that goes into that lifestyle, which also requires a steady income and immense dedication just so you can wake up and not have to look at 100 buildings and inhale smog. Life can suck my cock. There is not one lifestyle, career or path on this entire earth i find worth living. It goes without saying i want to just sleep now. I wish i were a fish or something . **** YOU LIFE SUCK MY **** YOU PIECE OF **** **** YOU **** YOU **** YOU.

[JaneC]

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Life does suck for sure....I dont have any words of wisdom right now, sorry. I do just want to offer you a at this tough time.

I do think it is important to be yourself, whatever that is. We all have that right. I wish you a better day tomorrow, and just wanted to let you know you are heard.

Take good care of you, for you are worth it.

[(JD)]

Obviously you are also depressed.... the cognitive distortions you are experiencing are numerous so there's no doubt as to why you keep digging yourself deeper in that hole you're in. (Are you referring to my service dog with the sunglasses )
Here are some of your thoughts you need to counter, if you wish to begin to feel better. It's work, I know personally, but worth it...one foot in front of the other. You said:
but it cant
we are all irrelevant
it wont stop
Ive never had a happy moment
sadness is permanent
nothing obviously
which is impossible
useless cavity of loathing.
but no one else is

and those are just in your first 6 sentences.

Depression tells you lies....most of those statements aren't reality. I know you feel they are absolutely true..and maybe in your present state you can't make things better but you can begin to work on making yourself be better.

We have 30 seconds to counter a negative thought before it is added to a "toxic" thought tree in the brain, killing part of the brain. (It is reversible...with many more positive thoughts though...easier to catch them first.)

Everyone has worth. You have worth. Are you at your best right now? No. But you can be better. I suspect you will feel better ... you felt better in the past, you haven't always felt so poorly and in such despair. You have felt better in the past and you will again.