[Alishia88]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my T for almost a year now.

I still feel like she doesn´t really completely "know" me.
I guess this is because almost from the beginning we jumped right into
the recent topics of my life and I feel we left out the getting to know my life story, which you usually have with your other therapists.

Sure, some parts inevitably came up. But I never know how much my therapist now can remember or not.

For example just in the last session my therapist asked me if my mother has drunken much before my father had died.
I was totally surprised because we had talked about how my mother´s alcoholism has effected me as a child and teenager a lot already, only it was some time ago.
I still feel she should remember a big thing like that because it is part of who I am now.

I really want her to "know" me well because I don´t feel like she can work initiavely and well with me otherwise, if it´s just a session to session thing.

Anyway, what i would really like to do is talk a lot and tell her all about my life from the beginning, everything that seems important to me in how I turned out and how my personality developed and how I came to be where I am now. I also want to understand it myself but I think I need a therapist´s help to understand. I am just afraid she won´t be able to remember so she can never get a real full picture.

I feel like there are a lot of keypoints we never got to talk about, for example how my parents were with eachother and how I saw my father having an affair when I was 16 and also being bullied in school and a lot of important things and thoughts I had while I was anorexic. And thoughts I still have about that sometimes.

Only, I feel like that would involve a lot of talking and I do not want to bore my therapist. And also, I don´t see the point if she cannot remember what I tell her.
I really want to tell someone though and I want to put the pieces together with someone to help me, so I can understand the person I am now.

What would you do?
How much does your T know about you, besides your trauma?

[Open Eyes]

(((Alishia)))

You need to copy this post and give it to your T to read. Everything you are asking for here is "very important to your healing", you do deserve for her to "remember and hear you".

Yes, what you are describing above are things you need to talk about so you can sort through how this has affected you and how you can slowly "mourn" it as well as finally work on ways to "repair and overcome". And that is what "therapy" is suppose to give you a chance to do.

When I started therapy myself, much of the discussion was about the current challenges I was facing too. However, it was not until I got to really discuss my childhood and what challenges I had faced growing up and even in my adulthood, that I began to recognize my very "troubled areas" that I honestly didn't truly realize.

With many patients that are challenged with PTSD, their entire subconscious is as though everything that seemed to be in order, is now in pieces on the ground in front of them that they need to slowly sort through and find ways to address and understand each piece until they begin to put things together into the puzzle of "who they are and why".

When this process is taking place in "therapy" it is important that the therapist "pay attention" to these pieces so they can "help their patient" without sending the messages to their patient that "they just don't remember these important pieces" as you are describing.

I have experienced this myself, and I know that it is very upsetting when a T doesn't remember an important piece as you are describing.

When this happens, it's a big trigger, because why have therapy if the T isn't really "paying attention"? That is the same as dealing with "other dismissive people" that make the PTSD even worse. And it is a "reminder" of how your mother was "too drunk" to hear you too.

YES, you are absolutely correct, you need to talk about your past because it is an important part of your "recovery and healing". And your T needs to be "right there with you" on that.

So, copy your post here and give it to your T. If your T can't do that for you then you need a new T. A good T will know it is very important to "listen and remember" what their patients history is.

Also, have you attended any ALCOA meetings? If not, these meeting are very "helpful" in healing too.

(((Hugs)))

OE

[Alishia88]

Thank you so much for your post, OpenEyes. Your words always help me so much

Well, yes, you made me realize how important these things I am looking for are.

But I don´t know if I can bring myself to print this and give it to her.
It seems very "attacking" of me to "question" her and to critisize her this way.

I mean, what if she becomes offended :/ ?

"
When this happens, it's a big trigger, because why have therapy if the T isn't really "paying attention"? That is the same as dealing with "other dismissive people" that make the PTSD even worse. And it is a "reminder" of how your mother was "too drunk" to hear you too.
"

Yes, I think you´re right.

The thing is, my t is otherwise a perfectly nice and friendly person, very flexible and generous so I do not want to appear ungratefull.

And I do not want to ask for "too much".

Other therapists I have seen asked me a lot of details about my life and gave me papers to fill out about me. I liked that because I felt that here was someone who really cared and who was really interested in me and who could really help to understand me.

My therapist gave me some papers too, but I know for a fact that she either has not read them or didn´t remember what it said in them.
My mother´s alcoholism eg was also mentioned in it.

No, I haven´t been to ALCOA meetings. Mabye I should try though.

Thanks for your words!

[Alishia88]

O, and also, if I feel that if I have offended someone or have gotten them on my "bad" side, it´s really really hard for me, if not impossible, for me to open up to them again.
I feel to frozen if I feel someone has a slightly negative attitude towards me.
So this is why I guess I try not to offend her so much.

[refika]

Alishia,

It may be helpful for you to tell this to your therapist, and tell her what you need. I understand the concern of offending her or telling her how to do her job. On the other hand, you are a paying client and as a result of paying for her services, you deserve to get what you are paying for.

I think if you tell her nicely, perhaps as a suggestion such as "would you mind taking notes so we both remember what I talk about in session", or something to that effect, she may not be offended and see it as a good idea.

I understand the need to want to tell your entire life story to your therapist once you meet them. I'm the same way. For a few months I struggled with wanting to give my therapist things I wrote that were basically things that happened to me outside of my trauma, situations from when I was a kid in school, my family, etc. My therapist wouldn't let me and said those things will come out in due time. They did, and every time I go I find I am telling my therapist another "story" from my life.

Perhaps one of the things you can do is tell your therapist that it would be really helpful if for the next few sessions, you did all the talking and told her your life history. I doubt she would be offended, and if she does care about you (which it sounds like she does), she will listen.

The one thing I learned is that our therapists DO care for us, but sometimes don't always show it to avoid creating stronger feelings of affection from us, or to shift the focus on them. I found out yesterday my therapist does care for me when he said something like "your history is so sad, and it makes me sad". Then I immediately went into a protector-like mode telling my T not to feel sad for me, but also realizing that he does care for me. When I asked him, he said "yes, I'm human, I care about other people, especially my clients".

Hang in there and continue to work with your T, but don't be afraid to change T's if you feel she is not a good fit for you.

[Open Eyes]

((Alisha))),

What would be "really good" for your therapy is if you printed this entire thread for your T. Your post here are challenges you need to "work through" and your T can "help" you with this, but you have to let her know and I "know" if she read your concerns here, she would "not" be mad at you.

Any good T who understands PTSD will know that a major part of the "recovery" is the patient being able to feel "heard". A PTSD patient really needs to know that they are safe with a T and that their T will "listen" and "believe" them. I made it a point to tell my T that when I started with him. I told him that if he didn't listen and believe what I told him then my therapy would be a "waste" of time for both of us.

Your T remembering that you grew up with an alcoholic parent is very important. Children that grow up with alcoholic parents really struggle as adults. They feel very "betrayed" and that the parent didn't love them enough to get sober. And growing up with an alcoholic parent also is growing up in a "dysfunctional" family.

If you try to go to the ALCOA meetings and listen to others you will hear about many of your own challenges.

My husband was a binge alcoholic and that really challenged me for many years. I had definite healthy goals for raising my daughter, and my husband's alcoholism continuously threated that (but he did get sober and went to AA meetings which helped). My daughter has been going to ALCOA meetings every week and it has helped her tremendously.

(((Alisha)))), I understand how you want your T to like you and you don't want her to get mad etc. But she really needs to know the things that trouble you. You are not there to "please" her and "be a good little girl for "her"". When you go and see your T you are looking at your T as an "authority" figure and many patients do that. Many patients hold back in fear of "making a T" angry or "offending the T" and it often "hurts" the therapy because the "T" needs to help you with "all" your challenges.

I will say that sometimes a T will "forget" things a patient told them because they might be seeing several patients. Well, if that is the case then they need to take better notes as you have mentioned. But that is not "your fault". I have experienced my own T forgetting things I had told him that were "important" to me too. I do realize he is only human, has his own challenges as a human being, and there were times he just "forgot" or "didn't really hear me". I do admit that was always a "trigger" to me and I did talk about that with him.

Healing Alisha, is learning about your own "deep hurts" or "needs that were not met" and slowly mourning whatever you missed and then learning how to move forward "in spite of"
the things you did miss due to your history growing up with an alcoholic parent as well as any trauma's you may also have experienced. A "T" is there to "listen" and provide a "safe" place for you to open up and finally "talk about your hurts". It often takes "time" for a T to learn how to "do just that" and to understand the biggest part of their job is LISTENING. A T doesn't "fix" their patients, they "listen" and are there to help patients "fix" themselves.

You are at a point in your life where you need to be heard, need to understand how you have been hurt, neglected, and even abandoned and how to help yourself "heal from that". Going to ALCOA meetings for example, will put you around others "like you" who have been hurt and are supporting each other and helping each other finally "understand and heal".

You have been doing the right things so far to "help yourself". You have been slowly setting up a "support system" so you can finally "heal" Alisha. There is no reason to feel "embarrassed" about that and as you progress you will understand how very much you are "truly not alone" in your journey.

All the things you are "saying here" are things also said and felt by others that have been challenged the way you have. You are truly not alone and when you slowly begin to see that, you will realize that you are not the only one on this challenging "healing journey" and that will help you immensely.

((((Caring Hugs))))
OE

[Alishia88]

Thank you, again for your response, OpenEyes and refika.

refika, "Perhaps one of the things you can do is tell your therapist that it would be really helpful if for the next few sessions, you did all the talking and told her your life history. I doubt she would be offended, and if she does care about you (which it sounds like she does), she will listen."

Thank you for that advice. Maybe I can do that. With talking so long at a time, I´m always afraid I might bore her though... so that will be hard.
I think this might come from bad experience I have had with other therpists I have only seen a few times. I´ve definently got a vibe there that they were counting minutes, were not very interested or didn´t understand but didn´t ASK and just sat there.

"Your T remembering that you grew up with an alcoholic parent is very important. Children that grow up with alcoholic parents really struggle as adults. They feel very "betrayed" and that the parent didn't love them enough to get sober. And growing up with an alcoholic parent also is growing up in a "dysfunctional" family. "

"(((Alisha)))), I understand how you want your T to like you and you don't want her to get mad etc. But she really needs to know the things that trouble you. You are not there to

Thank you for pointing that out, OE, I feel this is really important and you are right.

Yes, I tried looking for AA meetings in my area, but it´s hard to find online. I think I might call though. As I understand, in these meetings, you don´t have to talk rightaway but you can listen first, too, right?
Because I have also social anxiety and if I´d have to talk in front of all these people right away, that would really scare me.

About the notes. The thing is with my T, I know she does take notes.
But I am almost completely sure that she doesn´t reread them.

At least not before each session. Sometimes she starts off with, well, let´s see what we talked about last time, and then she reads her notes. Sometimes I feel she´s completely blank about what we talked about.
Or sometimes I say, I´ve been thinking about what we said last week and then she says
"o, wait, i don´t have it in my mind anymore." and then she starts looking for her notes from last session.

So yes, she does take notes, but I don´t think she spends much time reading them.

I don´t know how Ts are "supposed" to work. But in my opinion, it would be best that before each session the therapist has a quick look, what we talked about the last time so he or she has an overview. Do other Ts do that?

" It often takes "time" for a T to learn how to "do just that" and to understand the biggest part of their job is LISTENING. A T doesn't "fix" their patients, they "listen" and are there to help patients "fix" themselves."

That feels right to me. What do you mean, though, it takes "time" you mean, experience with patients long enough?

Well, my therapist is on a 3 week summer break now. In our last session I got to "talk" more and longer though, and told my T a lot of stuff I haven´t had a chance to talk about before. Things that I feel are really really important, for once, to have said out loud and also for her to know and remember.
I definently felt how good it felt, just to "tell the truth" about a few things in my life, that before that point, were just between me and me but I always felt that something "bad" happened there and I needed to share this with someone.
There are many other things that I would like to open up about, because I feel that this really makes a big difference to "tell the truth to someone".

I´ll let you know how things go after the break and if I can bring myself to print this out or at least tell her more directly what´s on my mind.

Thanks again for your support

[Alishia88]

Hello again,

well, I finally got the guts and was very very honest with my therapist.

I told her that I want to be honest and authentic and that I want to feel like I can tell her when things are bothering me in therapy.

When she encouraged me to do so I went ahead and started telling her what I want from therapy. And what has bothered me in the past (her forgetting things).

I also said that i wished that she´d be interested in my whole life and asked more questions.

She said that she doesn´t do that because she´s not that kind of a therapist.
Also that she is not good with remembering dates and facts.

I´m not sure how we´ll go on about. She let me know that she was willing to give me room to talk as much as I needed and she would ask questions, so that´s good.

She wasn´t sure if she could help me in that she could "know" me and remember everything I tell her.
I don´t want her to remember minor details. But important things, yes.
And when happened what.

So I don´t know how that will go on.

What was REALLY good was that I got to talk very honestly and freely and I even interrupted HER when I felt like she went into the wrong direction and I wanted to talk more about something else. I was able to assert my needs more and I want to keep doing that.

I feel like I can be more active and initiative in my therapy now and more honest.

[sweepy62]

what did she mean when she said she is not that kind of therapist? did you ask her? I was just wondering because you deserve someone to hear and process your past and ask you questions and remember important key facts and important dates nd events, so I was just wondering. My current t does remember very important stuff, in fact she surprised me yesterday when out of the blue she said I remember you got married at the age of 23, just out of the blue, that was so out of left field, but it meant the world to me, so you deserve that as well.

[Alishia88]

Thanks for your support sweepy.

Well, I think she meant she´s not the kind of therapist that asks her patients all kinds of questions about them and their life.
She wants them to tell her things if they want to. The thing is, that at least I, don´t get to talk about a whole lot because she talks a lot too.

I asked her if it isn´t nessary to find out a lot about your patients in the beginning to even be able to get a proper diagnosis
and also an idea about how to help them.

She said the paper she gave me in the beginning with questions and things to fill out where enough for that.

I think that might be right, BUT i know for a fact that she didn´t read it for at least 4 months into therapy because then she actually needed it for my insurance and asked me repeatedly if I had already filled that out or wanted to give it to me because she thought I hadn´t done it yet.

Besides, I had put important information in there like my mother being an alcoholic and she was surprised when she found out, by me telling her...
I also put a lot of trauma related things in there about my father.
And kind of hinted that there might be something like a trauma.

But then she was all surprised to find a "trauma" in my life, maybe 6 months or so into therapy.

I guess I´m having a mad day about my therapist today, because I feel that she doesn´t take care of things well enough and I don´t want to worry
about doing therapy "right" I want her to take responsibility for her work
and I want to trust her in that she is doing it well....

Originally Posted by sweepy62

what did she mean when she said she is not that kind of therapist? did you ask her? I was just wondering because you deserve someone to hear and process your past and ask you questions and remember important key facts and important dates nd events, so I was just wondering. My current t does remember very important stuff, in fact she surprised me yesterday when out of the blue she said I remember you got married at the age of 23, just out of the blue, that was so out of left field, but it meant the world to me, so you deserve that as well.

[Greg57]

#1. I would look for another therapist
#2. I would write/type my story(and I have) and give it to my therapist.
Just suggestions...Your therapist works for you, if they don't...hire a different one.

Greg

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Alishia88

I guess I´m having a mad day about my therapist today, because I feel that she doesn´t take care of things well enough and I don´t want to worry
about doing therapy "right" I want her to take responsibility for her work
and I want to trust her in that she is doing it well....

Alishia it sounds like you ahve a right to be having a mad day about your therapist. From what you say it does not sound like she is doing you a good service and certainly you as the client ought not to feel constantly worried about doing therapy right. It also sounds to me like you do not have trust in your T....and for me, trusting my T is the only way I can move forward.

Is it possible to think about finding a new T?