[Whoaminoone]

I don't really know how to start because I don't want to get into all the sordid details. I guess I'll just jump to my 'right now' issue.

I hate sex. I feel physically nauseas even if someone accidentally brushes against my body. I am married, and every single time my husband wants sex, I can't face him because I am so truly disgusted and it takes every ounce of control to NOT attempt to physically fight him off. My mind flashes back and that's all I see or hear or smell. I silently beg for it to just hurry up and be over. All I want to do afterwards is take a blistering hot shower and scrub myself raw to make the feeling of his touch go away. Yet I feel forced to lay there and let him 'hold' me after so as not to upset him.

I don't know how much more I can tolerate without snapping. He thinks it's his "right" to have sex with me since we are married. He is constantly forcing himself on me...whether that be a grab as he passes by or full on sex. Worse yet, I swear he seems to enjoy it MORE the more resistant I am. If I make the mistake of giving away any physical pain...well, again, he just really enjoys it.

What I'm trying to get to is: how do I make these feelings go away?? How do I turn off the flashbacks?? Can I ever have a 'normal' sexual experience?

[yellowfrog268]

This may sound trite but, therapy would be the first thing I would investigate.

As for your husband, have you told him any of this?

[Whoaminoone]

Yes, he knows, and his response is to tell me to "get over it". He is also very clear that it's his belief that it's my "job" to please him regardless of how I feel about it. We have never actually discussed in depth details because on the rare occasion I've attempted to actually talk about it with him; he cuts me off and tells me he "doesn't give a *****" and,as previously stated, to "get over it".

I am not blind to his emotional, sexual, or (at times) physical abuse. I even left him for 2 years. Unfortunately, I was overwhelmed by circumstances and felt I had no real choice but to move back in recently. I am continually on edge.

The original event was long before I met him. It just seems that he feeds off of it though. Maybe feeling like he gets some twisted pleasure from tormenting me (particularly sexually) really is just in my head as he claims. I don't know.

I was seeing a therapist for a little while back before I left him for the 2 years mentioned. I was not able to continue due to finances. I have decent insurance, but even so, I had a $100 per visit co-pay and a therapist wanting me to be seen twice a week. I sought out resources to help pay the cost but was repeatedly informed that I was just above maximum limits to qualify. Damned if you do...damned if you don't.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, I am so sorry that you feel so trapped like this and how your partner doesn't even "care' about how "you" feel and just "expects you to do as HE wants" too. IMHO, that is not "making love" and "enjoying the other person" that is just "giving into abuse" which no one deserves and is "never a part of a healthy relationship".

Unfortunately "some" men are very "insensitive" and "selfish" and honestly believe they deserve to be domineering to be "manly".

I understand how difficult it is when the financial freedom to choose isn't in the picture. But IMHO, the best way to move forward is whatever way is "away" from this person who obviously has no respect for you and is simply selfish.

((Caring Hugs))
OE