[GirlOfManyFaces]

Hello, I haven't been on here in a little while. But I am back because it was just the one year "anniversary" of the 1st and 2nd time my abuser R*P** me. And it brought back All the emotions and memories. I almost killed myself before because I couldn't cope with the painful memories. And I'm not quite that bad off right now, but it's becoming very difficult to resist the temptation to take out my feelings on myself by SI.
I've been a good girl and haven't self harmed or anything in roughly 5 months. So I really would like to keep that up. I don't want to make things worse for myself, but at the same time I want to SI and forget everything else.

Not to mention all the other pains this "anniversary" has caused me.
I am constantly shaking because I see him everywhere I go. I can't go on dates with my boyfriend because I'm scared of him, just because he is a guy. I can't sleep without waking up in terror and tears. I zone out all the time an go back to when it happened. I have to watch it happen over and over again. I CANT TAKE IT!!

Someone please help me

Add ins/FYI: I'm 15, I don't drive or do drugs or drink.

[Teacake]

If you arent talking psychiateic medicines GABA will stop nightmares and night terrors. It is an amino acid. You can buy the cheaper poseer form in any health food store or natural grocery. The dosage I take os 375 mg in water at sundown (when the subconscious becomes active) and another 375 in water before bed. You can take one glass before bed and keep the second dose beside your bed.

When you sleep well, the ruminations may decrease. I am pretty sure adrenaline makes me ruminate more. Adrenaline comes from fear and anxiety but also from coffee, too much chocolate and sugar, not sleeping well, allergies etc. Exercise and being mindful of not overdosing on sweets and coffee can help a lot.

We have been taught by movies and other media that we need to tell our story with great emotion to let it out and begin to heal. Thats not true. To heal we need to calm and soothe our bodies and coas them back to their natural peacetime state of calm alertness. Yoga can be remarkably healing.

I am a give fan of David Bercelis Trauma Releasing Exercises. His book with descriotions and illustrations is fairly cheap on Kindle. You stretch and stress and lie in the positions dancers call frogs and let the bodies natural tremble response do its thing. It feels really good. It eleases trauma without readtraumatising you. Well worth buying the book. I learned from the book. Its that simple.

Naturally dont drink or drug.

When you are in a hyperaroused flash back state, your adrenaline is whigh. You want to being it down to normal, by being gejtle and calm. A lot of us learn we can feel a sort or calm by increasing the bodys andxiety so high we produce natural opiates called endorphins. Sugar, alcohol, self injury, crisis, rage episodes all give us a dose of natural.heroine. Its addictive. Its destructive. Its not the thing to do.

Exercise is your best friend now. Dont overtrain, but do yoga, or dance, or.belly dance, or.walk ordered run if Theres a safe place, or go to an all female gym . Whatever works for you. Take down adrenaline Nd you take down I.trusive symptoms. After a workout your serotonin is high and your dopamine is low. Go for the languid relaxed feeling.

I wish you health and healing.

[PTSD101]

Hey big big hugs!

Just want to let you know I agree 100% with teacake regarding TRE they are amazing. I got his DVD, really cheap, so easy to do and it really helps! Something else I find really helps me is Lifeforce Yoga to Beat the Blues by Amy Weintraub.

All the best, hang in there!

[Hope.Floater]

Life takes some of us to many crappy places. You are 15 years and have many more years to go. Don't leave to soon. I too am a survivor of too many things.... As you get older, meet new supports and learn healthy ways to cope, things do changing. don't bail before you find your purpose or mold the life you want. Find a parent... older friend some one responsible and reach out for help.

[Emma83]

Good you are not self harming anymore. Maybe speak to your primary doctor and try see a psychiatrist if you have no already. I understand, I went through the same trauma many times. I hope you recover very soon.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by Hope.Floater

Life takes some of us to many crappy places. You are 15 years and have many more years to go. Don't leave to soon. I too am a survivor of too many things.... As you get older, meet new supports and learn healthy ways to cope, things do changing. don't bail before you find your purpose or mold the life you want. Find a parent... older friend some one responsible and reach out for help.

That's just the thing, I don't have anybody to reach out to. Only PC. And it takes too long to post and wait for someone to see it. My parents aren't really here for me and my only sibling goes to college far away. Nobody at my new school has any idea of what I've been through and the pains it causes me. I'm all alone.
I don't know what to do. I'm out of reasonable coping ideas.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and that these things happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it and you do deserve to find peace in your life. Do you think there is a teacher or a counselor at your new school that you could reach out to? Maybe just to talk to until you feel like you can trust them enough to tell them what happened to you? You need to talk to someone.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by Cracking Slowly

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and that these things happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it and you do deserve to find peace in your life. Do you think there is a teacher or a counselor at your new school that you could reach out to? Maybe just to talk to until you feel like you can trust them enough to tell them what happened to you? You need to talk to someone.

No.

I have no one.

I'm alone.

I really don't know how much more I can take. The memories and too bad. I just want to be a normal kind who doesn't have to worry about someone hurting me or getting taken advantage of. This stuff is taking over my life...
What he did to me never leaves. It's there when I try to sleep, when I'm in the shower, when I'm at school, when I'm doing nothing. It's ALWAYS there.
It's making me think about doing bad things to myself. I'm scared of everything and everyone.

Can you help me?

Is there anything that can help me no be scared?

Is there anyway to make it go away?

I wish I knew how to make things better for you. I really wish that I could. I too know and understand just how miserable it is to live with the flashbacks of the past. I deal with that on a daily basis too. I know that hurting yourself will not make it go away and will only cause you more pain. You don't need more pain. I suggest that you browse through the forums here on PC. There is so much great information here that is so helpful. There's also many helpful people here who can relate to what you are going through. Is there a hotline in your area where you can call and get a live voice on the line to talk to? This may help. I really hope that you can reach out to someone somewhere so that you'll have a real life person to talk to. Posting on PC helps too if that's your only option. People here do care. Hang in there!

[Hope.Floater]

I've been in a similar place to where your at and I wish I had the answer or the magic pill or something :'( All I can say is don't give up. Get it out... TALK to a counselor at school they can get you out side help. If you are afraid of that and are in sever danger go to an ER they have to treat you and because of your age HIPPA protects your privacy. I probably shouldn't be saying this put if you tell the health professionals you don't want them talking to your parents they legally can't disclose what you say. If you need to chat and need results go to this sight below. You can use pc chat or call the phone number on the sight to talk to someone.
Lifeline

[Koojriu]

Hey! I have been where you are, and I can tell you yes, its hell but, maybe finding a councoler in your area who specializes in this? I went to one, she was amazing and helped me figure lots and lots out. And I also went to a group therapy thing at the center to. It didn't make everything rainbows and butterflies but it did help me feel a lot less alone and I made some friends. Just look up the big R crisis councoling. I went into it almost a year after it happend to me, just let them know your still healing and need lots more help. What I do for myself when I feel that way is I tell myself what day, date it is, and where I am and who I'm with and what I'm doing, its an attempt to bring myself back to the present you know? The feelings will still be there but at least it helps a little, I also ended up discovering something interesting when helping a friend through a weird, panic attack, thing. I started adding little bits of pressure to the tips of her fingers, she said it helped bring her back to reality (I have yet to test it on myself mind you). As for seeing him everywhere, it'll happen, it still happens to me 2.5 years later. What I found was it was rarely him and I live in a small city but I have pulled my friends out of resteraunts or into random stores in the mall because of it. Only later to realize so not my ex. And when it was him, which was only twice once I was with my friends, and they all know what happend and one of them stayed closer to me and I spoke loudly (yeah, probably looked crazy) about how the guy staring at me through the store window was possibly dangerious because he had hurt me before (I was paniced) and the second time I stayed as far away as I could from him (was on a bus) and walked very quickly to a crowded area. Just breath when you feel paniced, and perhaps it would do you well to tell someone you trust about it, I don't know why you can't tell your boyfriend but if you feel safe enough to and when your ready it might help. Just be aware it could overwhelm him as well, my boyfriends not an angry person but it made him very mad (luckly he didn't yell about it just said he wanted to punch my ex in the face he wouldn't though).

As for the thoughts of suicide think about your future, what do you want to be? A mother? A wife? What kind of career do you want? If any, and what kind of place do you want to live in? What kind of husband do you want? (Or wife) Don't attach the husband bit to anyone right now, just a figure I guess because I've attached people to the ideal and only hurt myself with it in the end. Think about what your child might be like, and how you'd raise them. Keeping your mind on a long term goal will build a determination. I've also pictured how my friends would react (I don't talk to my family) so I guess your family to. I was there when someone had completed such a thing. Honestly its the most devistation one can feel (not to trivialize anyones pain). I've stopped crying about what my ex did, but I still sob like a child when I think back to the day my uncle passed, and I didn't even know him that well. Unfortunatly and fortunatly you can't use that as motive, but it was the day I vowed never to do that to anyone ever (and it was only a few months after my ex did what he did to me).

ANYWAYS long winded and opnionated but those are all ways I've made it thus far. I hope they help, I mean everyone reacts differently to trauma's in a way whats working for me might not work for you but I can promise it will feel a little more hopeful every passed aniversary. Don't give up because of one...............unspeakible being, I may not know you well but I can tell you, you've gotta be a stronger and more worthwhile person then that person will ever be so don't let him take anything else from you ok?

[Koojriu]

Also, it doesn't just go away, but there is and always will be improvements and hope :3

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Thank you so much for this. I really liked the part where you said

"think about your future, what do you want to be? A mother? A wife? What kind of career do you want? If any, and what kind of place do you want to live in? What kind of husband do you want? (Or wife) Don't attach the husband bit to anyone right now, just a figure I guess because I've attached people to the ideal and only hurt myself with it in the end. Think about what your child might be like, and how you'd raise them. Keeping your mind on a long term goal will build a determination."

I will definitely do this. I do often dream of my wedding day. Walking down to my loving groom/bride. As happy as can be. In a beautiful white dress. I've dreamt it since I was small

[veronicamarie]

You are not alone and if you ever need to talk message me im always on don't ever think your alone it's hard I know I was raped many years ago by my cousin and I still see him today I was suicidal slot when I was a teeanger till I woke up and realized the world can be a crappy place and everyone is different I just accepted life is life and accepted the things that happened in mylife I am no longer bothered by it I have no emotions towards all the bad you can get to this and continue living your life without being in fear it will take time tho and im here for you even tho I don't know you we are all on this site for a reason !!

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