Triggered, feeling alone and misunderstood

Cercea · Oct 19, 2016, 01:45 AM

Have struggled w ptsd since childhood and anorexia that started in early 20s (I'm now 31). Also have issues w dependency on prescription meds (barbiturates, benzos, and occasionally opiates to ease both my emotional and physical pain).

This evening was in text conversation w a man who I've been dating for near 3 years, and known for several years longer. Being sick recently, home bound, and also having a high sex drive, I'd told him that I miss seeing him and if possible I'd love to have sex w him every day.

He said in every relationship he's been in he's never had a sex drive so high that he's been able to perform every day. I then said that I think about sex very often and feel the need to do it every day.
Then he saysif I were In a different situation that I probably wouldn't feel that way, and I didn't understand what he meant. He acted like he didn't want to explain, but after I asked him a third time he told me that (paraphrasing) "people get tired of the same old thing, that's just the way of the world". I was still confused, telling him that we've been seeing each other for several years and I haven't tired of him at all (actually it's just the opposite).
He didn't respond.
Then a horrible feeling consumed me, like I'd realized something unbearable after having distracted myself from the "truth". I felt and still feel abandoned, that if he hasn't tired of me already that he will, and was probably even warning me in that way.
Then my thoughts turn to - if I'm lucky enough to live 5 more years or more, recovering from anorexia, and dealing w my suicidal fantasies, my remaining days will most likely be spent alone. Pople do tire of each other, and I believe my emotional baggage is too much.
Suddenly the inner voice starts reminding me that my own father was sick of me by the time I was 4 (he wanted me gone from there and was continually finding ways to frighten me w horror movies and threats - his most used was that he was calling the police to take me away to prison).
That's when the panic started tonight, and the emotional pain so intense that I'm crying and holding my stomach bc the memories are causing me physical pain.
Ty for listening 🎀