[deepbluelosthope]

My mother died from cancer last year. She emotionally abused me from my childhood onwards and on her deathbed she seemed so full of hatred and vindictiveness towards me. 2 weeks before she died she seemed to take delight in asking me to read her Will in front of her and my brother. In that Will she had had a legal clause drawn up that said she was cutting me out of everything. My brother has inherited everything and he is treating me the same way as my mother did over the years - just abusing me. He is 2 years older than me and has (undiagnosed) Aspergers Syndrome I think but as his behaviour is so nasty and vindictive towards me I am inclined to think he has some personality disorder(s) on top.

My relationship with my father was very close until he died and he was very supportive of me growing up. My mum seemed to resent this and sought to take out that resentment on me. I pity her because her firstborn had Downs Syndrome and died after 2 months. That baby was a little girl and I wonder whether she rejected me from birth because she couldn't come to terms with the death. This is all speculation though as I attempt to find answers to help explain it. Some days I cope with it all but I am having nightmares quite frequently and struggle with why my mother, who should have loved me, didn't love me at all and was cold and horrible to me my whole life. My poor father would be turning in his grave now if he knew how she had behaved. I have days where I feel complete despair too with my brother who cannot communicate with me at all yet I have been made aware of the fact that he is now bad mouthing me behind my back. I never did anything to him or mum to deserve this other than I tried to grow up as a good person who wants to have strong supportive friendships with others. I am almost the total opposite of her and my brother in terms of personality.

My mother has tried to totally screw me up. I am scared I will never truly get over my childhood and the trauma and drama of her death.

[Open Eyes]

((((deepbluelosthope))),

Oh hun, I am so sorry you have gone through all of that. Yes, it sounds like your mother was disordered and had distorted thinking and coping skills. Yes, having a child, finding out it has issues and losing it, as well as your brother also was not quite right, probably traumatized your mother and she took that out on you, didn't want to "love" you, not because you were not worthy, but because she could not bear to love. It is not unusual for a parent who struggles like that to turn all their anger at a child either. That is very confusing to a child, a child, no matter how nice, just can't fix that either.

The way you describe being close to your father, him loving you, most likely enraged her, because of how much "she" needed that herself. You need to remember, her thinking was distorted, and she should have been helped with that. It isn't unusual for a person to get like that, not get help and only get worse too. It isn't that they mean to be that way either, that is part of the way their coping skills become skewed and damaging to not only them but others around them.

I hope you are seeing a good therapist, you will need to grieve all of this and you will also need to learn how to walk away from your brother, how he treats you, that he is incapable of interacting with you in a healthy way "for you" too. A good therapist will help you grieve all this, and slowly learn to move on with your life in spite of it. This is going to take time on your part and lots of self TLC and patience.

You are always welcome to come here and share and get support. Do you have anyone that is supporting you, a T? It sounds like you take after your father, you are caring, empathetic and want to be around others who can respond to that. You can do it, but you need to grieve and clear your mind and work on moving forward.

OE

[deepbluelosthope]

Dear Open Eyes

Thank you for taking time to respond and for your advice and support. The therapy I have received so far has been standard bereavement therapy however it has unearthed so much pain that at the end of the last session I attended I was so upset I was unable to leave the room. I don't think this has been the right therapy for me. I probably need to find a therapist who will deal with childhood emotional abuse and as you say helping me grieve through all my mother's issues.

As for my brother, I am alarmed and frightened by his behaviour. He clearly is very disturbed and has all sorts of very strange ideas in his head about me. Since mum died he just seems to have become worse. I always knew he was 'odd' but with no firm diagnosis to go on it has been impossible for me to understand him - his total lack of communication with me, inability to even look me in the eye and apparent resentment of me. Now his resentment seems to have turned into hatred of me. Mum left him everything and in doing so gave him power over me in terms of family money, heirlooms, photographs and childhood memories. His refusal to even give me original childhood photographs that are of myself alone is totally bizarre, disturbing and plain evil. When I asked him whether mum's decision was "right" he was silent and when pushed to respond all he could say was he "didn't have an opinion". I am scared of him and afraid of the lies he clearly tells others in an attempt to justify his behaviour and his greed and arrogance with no care or concern for me. I can't understand why he has no opinion to express of his own. He executes the final requests of my mum to the letter, unbending and with no apparent thought of his own. Her wishes are in contrast to those of my father and it makes it all the more hurtful for me. Maybe it is just all too convenient for my brother to do otherwise. I wonder if eventually all this will catch up on him and he will feel guilty in time. I have lost hope in him though. He is my only blood relative and I would have thought some sense of family values would be in him somewhere. When I last tried to talk to him on the phone he said "I never expected to have to hear from you again" and he put the phone down on me. I am aghast and in shock. What on earth has been going on? Has my mum totally poisoned him against me? I do think she was very depressed most of her life and spent the last 10 or so years before her death being as horrible to me as she possibly could. At the end she twisted the knife and I am sure now those final actions were carefully planned over many years as she sat stewing at home not living a healthy, fulfilling life. She had no friends at her funeral, only some acquaintances and to me that speaks volumes.

I think my upbringing has affected my outlook on life and probably is why I never wanted children. Some days I wish I had never been born. To try to cope with bereavement, my mum's issues, her abuse of me and my brother's mental health problems is overwhelming. I have tried to be a kind and caring person throughout my adult years. I deliberately try to be the opposite of my mum and have some lovely friends around me. It all feels a struggle though and it is all dawning on me now how dysfunctional my family was. Over the years spending any time with my mum and my brother left me feeling very down and as if all the positivity and enthusiasm for life had been drained from me.

[Mysterious Flyer]

Your brother is just pretending to hate you becuase that's how he justifies keeping all the money for himself.

[Open Eyes]

(((deepbluelosthope))),

It is not unusual for a death of a parent and settling an estate to bring out the worst in families.

Also, I understand how hard it is for you, but some parents that have issues of some kind can pick a child to abuse emotionally and blame. It is always hard for that child, and in my time here at PC, I have met many people who were victims of this parental abuse where they were targeted while their siblings were not. There are all kinds of reasons this happens too, it could be that a child represents themselves and they get jealous, it could be the child reminds them of a relative that hurt them in some way. Often they do not really say themselves, but some can be very abusive.

As far as your brother is concerned, in some ways he was a victim too because he is now also estranged from his only blood relative. Money doesn't matter when someone is all alone, money doesn't replace human caring.

If you have developed caring for others and the ability to have friends and relationships, you are the one that came out the winner in all of this. It is hard for someone to see this when this scenario happens where a parent tries to continue their abusive ways even when they are gone. And what the child doesn't realize that they pick as their favorite, but in a twisted way, is it is still abuse, it is just a different form of abuse. She picked your brother to influence, which means he has adapted to her twisted thinking. How awful is that?

[Open Eyes]

It is not unusual for siblings to rival each other to gain that "favorite child" spot in families. If you ever watched what takes place when birds lay eggs and have a few babies, these babies push each other around to gain a better position every time the parents come to the nest to feed. It is not unusual to see them push a baby down into the nest and using it as a stepping block in order to be seen by the parent with an open mouth ready for a feeding. It is also not unusual for one of the babies to get pushed out of the nest and fall to it's death too. I have birds that nest in my barn every years and I see all this happen, and yes often I find little ones on the floor and it always upsets me. Nature can be cruel, even when it comes to human beings sadly.

I have challenges with my siblings too. My sister who is the oldest was "always" very controlling and still is, insisting on always holding the holidays at her house and running the show. Well, here it is Easter, my parents are older and struggling and my sister has taken control of that, I gave up trying because of the PTSD that challenges me, my parents are too old to explain it to them and my older sister doesn't get it and has just taken over. She is having them at her house for Easter, I am not invited, that has happened a lot. So, I just stay away and let her do her thing.

There are complications in my family that I have not really shared here at PC. I have talked about what happened to me on my farm and losing so many horses/ponies from my neighbor's dog. However, there is another big challenge with my family that I rarely discuss that also tends to drain me and get me down too.

It is very hard to deal with the challenge you are describing, but even harder when also challenged with PTSD too. Just know that you are not alone with that, there are other members that have similar challenges, it is not unusual. Therapy can be frustrating at times, because when it comes to talking about what you experienced growing up, it isn't easy to put everything you have experienced and are feeling into words so that you can get the kind of validation that you are searching for. It is often an emotional rollercoaster while you try to sort through it and grieve it and find your way to healing and getting to that point where you have accepted it all to where you are able to get above it and manage it better emotionally.

The scenario that you are describing is very complex and not "easy" to grieve, and the one person that could have been a big help to you is gone, your father. You are "your father's daughter" which means the two of you were well balanced with each other and he would have provided you with the comfort and understanding that you are needing. So you are also grieving that along with grieving the mentally ill way, skewed way, your
mothers mind and your brother's mind works.

When we have a parent that we connect with because we have the same kind of personality traits and even the same kind of empathy and caring traits, we always look to that parent and their parental advice, no matter how old we get. And a loss of that parent, or whatever family member that we connect with because it can even be a grandparent that fits into that role, it is always a big loss.

That being said, it is not unusual for a mother to be a bit jealous if a daughter happens to have a closer, more connected relationship with the father then the mother has. It is not unusual for a mother to not realize what that connection means in that it can happen because the daughter is more genetically taking after her father with similar ways of interacting with and looking at life and other people as well as "like temperaments".

What you are describing of your family dimension, your mother and brother were more like minded, may have even shared the same "disorder" too. And you and your father were alike and shared the same outlook and likeable kind temperament. If it was your mother who passed first, your father would have been much "kinder" in the will. Unfortunately, it did not go that way, and because of that, you have been unfairly punished.

What I am describing is the components to your "complicated grieving". And on top of that because you have suffered abuse and you struggle with PTSD, that makes this even more difficult. I hear you sweatheart, this is a challenge. However, even though this is so very hard, even though your brother is so disconnected and doesn't even give you the pictures there of yourself. You "are" the better off person in this scenario. And that is because "you" have the temperament and balance that your father had, and that is something your brother can never have. Chances are, your brother will never be able to have or enjoy what you "can" have in his life, because you "can" build healthy connections with others, while your brother just can't. Your brother is never going to allow you to connect because he takes after your mother, which means, he does not have it in him.

You can have a good relationship with a man too, and you can do that because typically a daughter will marry or pair up with a man much like her father, and that doesn't bode well if the father was an unhealthy problematic person or even abusive. So, if your scenario was one where your mother was good, but your father was abusive, that would
challenge you in your life much more.

So even though your brother walked away with the money and the material things, you walked away with much more, and even though your father is gone, you still ended up with the very best part of your family, "his genetics and good caring mindset". So with your grieving, you need to realize what you do have, because you have the most valuable asset of all. That is something your mother or your brother can never take from you. What I just said here, is that high ground that you need to get to so you can finally stand above it all and see it all psychologically and emotionally. I understand that your father is gone, that is hard, but, with you, he really is not gone because he is right there "in you" and it will always be that way. And that is what you have to walk away with because you really did get the best part.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE

[deepbluelosthope]

Dear Open Eyes

Thank you so much for your very wise and insightful responses. I think you understand what I am going through perfectly and I agree with everything you have said here. I take comfort from this, thank you.

[Open Eyes]

I do believe a part of you realizes what I am saying, but that part needs to be confirmed for you so you can have the validation and support you need to get to that above it all place. I can see you are a caring and kind person and when someone is like that they tend to try to figure out how they can "fix" things and try to come to an understanding somehow. Unfortunately, when the other person is disordered in some way, with a history like your brother's, all the good intentions in the world can't change it.

I have had things happen to me with my own family and it took me time with a T to slowly look at the different people in my family and at least get to a point where I can see their position, even if it's sad, what it often led to is "that they didn't know". It is sad because of how much we depend on our family, especially our parents to provide us with a safe and loving environment. What often happens is a parent or even both parents can be so wrapped up in themselves and their issues that they honestly do not understand the damage they can do to their children. It is not unusual for a parent to think a child is just born who they are and their job is only to control the child and get the child to respect them. Instead parents need to realize how malleable children are and how they need that parent to show them how to develop self esteem and thrive.

So, you need to grieve whatever was lost to you in your past, realize your goodness and allow yourself to move forward in spite of whatever you did not get that you should have gotten, it was never your fault in any way. And always remember you have the best part of all, your father's caring genetics.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[deepbluelosthope]

Dear Open Eyes

This is the best therapy and advice I have received to date. What you are saying makes complete sense to me. Yes I have been seeking confirmation that what I went through was not normal nor healthy. I think that only after such validation I can start to put it all into perspective and start to move forward. Throughout my whole life I seem to have accepted the abnormal as normal in terms of family dynamics, never really addressing it properly. I keep questioning myself why. Why did I not have the strength to really face this all head on when my mother was still alive, when it was clear things were not as they should have been? I tried to make some attempts to sort it out but after dad died it was very much her and my brother against me and that was a tough thing to stand up to. Part of my reaction has been to run away from it to a certain extent keeping a distance from those who sought to blame, accuse and bully me, yet never explain why they were acting this way. I wanted to create a new, happy life and surround myself with wonderful people - people who care about others and have positivity and live their lives! I think by keeping away, I thought my mum and brother would eventually come to their senses and realise how destructive their behaviour was on our small family unit.

My nature is to be hopeful and have faith in people. I always kept that faith beyond when I shouldn't have. I have always seen a bigger picture here though - despite the fact that we clearly didn't have much in common I thought there was still that sense of family values and that mum would, in the end, see that before she died. What is most disturbing is that she always portrayed herself as someone very religious, daughter of a Methodist minister. Why would someone who quite clearly believed in God act in such a destructive manner towards her own children? At the end of her life, a week before she died, I did pluck up some courage to be able to ask her why she was leaving this world with a legacy of bitterness, hatred and unresolved issues. I also asked her what I had done to deserve all this horrendous treatment. She had no answer to give. She simply glared at me with her wild eyes and didn't respond. I honestly believe she was mad then and likely had been this way for many years before. There was something quite evil in her stare. I am having frequent nightmares now remembering this conversation.

I am a logical person by the nature of my work and my scientific university studies. To me, none of her actions make any sense. I constantly try to find answers to somehow get to the truth of it all but I am baffled by so much of it still, not least of which her exit from the world leaving everything in such a mess. This is causing me much pain, frustration and turmoil especially as my brother continues down this seemingly vindictive, hateful path. It's not a path I want to follow him down. I question my mum's religious beliefs and I find her particular twisted brand of religion actually quite evil and destructive. She has used these beliefs to abuse me. What mother who claims to believe in God is cold and abusive and lies on her deathbed causing as much hurt as she can? She demanded that I respect her without question my whole life, yet she never once could show me any love. This seems to me a total perversion of what religion is supposed to be about.

As you say, I am trying to resolve things in my own mind and come to an understanding of it all. I have been trying to fix things also with my brother but there are only so many times you can bang your head against a wall and keep coming back for more. He doesn't want anything to change and he is choosing his path of hatred instead. It is so hurtful and just plain wrong.

I am hanging onto my memories of my dad now. It is all I have.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My father, whom I adored, died when I was ten. Three months later our mother left us with my Dad's mother and she came up with ways to abuse and embaress and terrify us every day. The razor strap was her favorite and if we had committed some infraction of the rules, she would wake us up by using it.

When I was 18, I left, and because of her lies, the entire family cut me out of their life. I never questioed their motivations. I knew she was crazy, in a really bad way. So when I left, I left for good and have never tried to contact any of them again. I have no regrets and have never looked back.

My point here, is that when someone hurts you on a continual basis, it is time to get away from them. If your brother is causing you so much pain, perhaps it would be best to take a break from your relationship with him.
As for your Mom, please stop feeling so guilty. It was never about you, it was the meaness and sickess and jealousy in her heart that made her the way she was. The reading of the will thing is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard of.

It seems that you are trying to find excuses for their behavior, when their really isn't one. Some people are just flat out hateful and bitter. And since they have never taken responsibility for their own failures, they must find a scapgoat to take it out on.

I'm happy that you had a good father and sorry he is gone. But hang onto that and realize the way he treated you was the way you deserved to be treated. Cherish his memory and maybe write him a letter now and then.

Let them wallow in their own unhappiness. And maybe by making them part of your past, you will find your own happiness.

[Open Eyes]

(((dblh))),

There are "religious' people that are actually not "practicing" Christians. There can be some very twisted ideas about God out there period. My therapist is agnostic, and he has more Christian qualities then other people I have met that say the believe in God and have faith.

Your question about how she can be so religious and be so abusive? It is also because she is different, she was disordered somehow, maybe very narcissistic and it was all about proper presentation to her. Some people are "dutiful", they clean the house, have the children go to church and keep some kind of structure, but that doesn't mean they know how be actually "love" their children and be caring and kind. Some mothers who are narcissistic, god forbid the child doesn't cater to them and adore them the way they want, oh these women will definitely leave that child out of the will and will take pleasure reading it to the child for spite. Have you ever read Mommy Dearest?

You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out, because you are simply not cut from the same cloth, that can and often does happen you know. You can't see her thinking and reasoning because you don't think and reason like that.

I can have that problem too, my husband often says to me that I don't come back quick enough when people are manipulative or mean spirited somehow, well, I just do not think like that, so it takes me time to figure out how twisted someone can think.

When you talk about the kind of people you want to be around, you are really saying you want to find others like yourself. That is what you are supposed to do in life, you are not supposed to hang in with toxic people who have nothing in common with you and don't appreciate you. Your brother is a grownup now, you can't raise him, that will not work. I understand that you feel it's not right to be estranged from your own blood relative, but you are like that because you are kind hearted, your brother isn't like that, your mother wasn't like that, you can't change that either. You will have to grieve that and give yourself permission to be ok with walking away, in a knowing that is the healthy thing for you to do.

I am so glad you are not a guy and end up with a woman like your mother. Some guys do that you know. Your father did, some of the nicest men end up with narcissistic women you know. Some really nice women end up with narcissistic husbands too. God is just a must have designer label to these people you know. Some of these people think that if they get dressed up and go to church, put money in the basket and occasionally even donate a little, they are good with God. They do it but they really don't "feel it". The devil has no problem getting dressed up and going to church on Sunday, I have met a few of those in my life too.

Don't let that interfere with any relationship or faith you have with God, because you can "feel it", big difference. Some people get all confused about faith because of the challenge you have. Your faith is not going to be the same as other's faith, it doesn't mean having faith is wrong either.

((((Hugs))))
OE

[deepbluelosthope]

Originally Posted by Tea&Sympathy

I totally understand where you are coming from. My father, whom I adored, died when I was ten. Three months later our mother left us with my Dad's mother and she came up with ways to abuse and embaress and terrify us every day. The razor strap was her favorite and if we had committed some infraction of the rules, she would wake us up by using it.

When I was 18, I left, and because of her lies, the entire family cut me out of their life. I never questioed their motivations. I knew she was crazy, in a really bad way. So when I left, I left for good and have never tried to contact any of them again. I have no regrets and have never looked back.

My point here, is that when someone hurts you on a continual basis, it is time to get away from them. If your brother is causing you so much pain, perhaps it would be best to take a break from your relationship with him.
As for your Mom, please stop feeling so guilty. It was never about you, it was the meaness and sickess and jealousy in her heart that made her the way she was. The reading of the will thing is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard of.

It seems that you are trying to find excuses for their behavior, when their really isn't one. Some people are just flat out hateful and bitter. And since they have never taken responsibility for their own failures, they must find a scapgoat to take it out on.

I'm happy that you had a good father and sorry he is gone. But hang onto that and realize the way he treated you was the way you deserved to be treated. Cherish his memory and maybe write him a letter now and then.

Let them wallow in their own unhappiness. And maybe by making them part of your past, you will find your own happiness.

Dear Tea&Sympathy

Thank you so much. I know that you understand and that you must have gone through similar dark times. It is very hard and takes enormous strength somehow to deal with what is essentially a family betrayal. As you say I am trying to hang onto my memories of dad and put my mother and brother aside. It is very difficult as I have flashbacks to the bad times and the memory of my mother's final act of vindictiveness with her will in the hospice is haunting me. My brother, who sat there in silence as this happened, saw nothing wrong in it and that has terrified me about him. I'm hurt and heartbroken and in shock still from it all. My father would be turning in his grave if he had been witness to this.

Best wishes,
DeepBlue

[deepbluelosthope]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((dblh))),

There are "religious' people that are actually not "practicing" Christians. There can be some very twisted ideas about God out there period. My therapist is agnostic, and he has more Christian qualities then other people I have met that say the believe in God and have faith.

Your question about how she can be so religious and be so abusive? It is also because she is different, she was disordered somehow, maybe very narcissistic and it was all about proper presentation to her. Some people are "dutiful", they clean the house, have the children go to church and keep some kind of structure, but that doesn't mean they know how be actually "love" their children and be caring and kind. Some mothers who are narcissistic, god forbid the child doesn't cater to them and adore them the way they want, oh these women will definitely leave that child out of the will and will take pleasure reading it to the child for spite. Have you ever read Mommy Dearest?

You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out, because you are simply not cut from the same cloth, that can and often does happen you know. You can't see her thinking and reasoning because you don't think and reason like that.

I can have that problem too, my husband often says to me that I don't come back quick enough when people are manipulative or mean spirited somehow, well, I just do not think like that, so it takes me time to figure out how twisted someone can think.

When you talk about the kind of people you want to be around, you are really saying you want to find others like yourself. That is what you are supposed to do in life, you are not supposed to hang in with toxic people who have nothing in common with you and don't appreciate you. Your brother is a grownup now, you can't raise him, that will not work. I understand that you feel it's not right to be estranged from your own blood relative, but you are like that because you are kind hearted, your brother isn't like that, your mother wasn't like that, you can't change that either. You will have to grieve that and give yourself permission to be ok with walking away, in a knowing that is the healthy thing for you to do.

I am so glad you are not a guy and end up with a woman like your mother. Some guys do that you know. Your father did, some of the nicest men end up with narcissistic women you know. Some really nice women end up with narcissistic husbands too. God is just a must have designer label to these people you know. Some of these people think that if they get dressed up and go to church, put money in the basket and occasionally even donate a little, they are good with God. They do it but they really don't "feel it". The devil has no problem getting dressed up and going to church on Sunday, I have met a few of those in my life too.

Don't let that interfere with any relationship or faith you have with God, because you can "feel it", big difference. Some people get all confused about faith because of the challenge you have. Your faith is not going to be the same as other's faith, it doesn't mean having faith is wrong either.

((((Hugs))))
OE

Dear Open Eyes

Thank you so much for your post. I do believe that mum had some degree of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that my brother too, who is so like her in personality traits, has this in him too. I feel dreadfully sad every day about this. I wasn't cut from the same cloth as you say as I have struggled for 2 decades or more trying to understand them and their behaviours not only towards me, but to others. Dad would be ashamed of them I know.

As for faith, you can probably tell I struggle with that after my experiences with mum, her "faith" and that of her church minister father and his friend who sexually abused her. I follow a different faith that involves treating people as you would like to be treated, trying to be kind, empathetic and help those around me as best I can. This, I believe, is what makes us happy as humans.

I am so grateful for the support from you. Thank you.

DBLH

I have not read Mommy Dearest by the way..

[Open Eyes]

Oh, your mother was sexually abused? Are you saying that she was sexually abused by her father who was a minister? How old was she when that happened? Did her mother step in and stand up for her or did her mother turn a blind eye?

I can't diagnose your mother as NPD, but I was thinking that may have been her problem. Someone can develop NPD due to abandonment and even abuse of some kind. However, a person can develop it by getting everything they want and being spoiled which keeps the person in "the world revolves around them" stage and they never grow past that.

Sometimes what can happen is if a child is "invaded" by someone they are supposed to trust to protect them, and the other parent fails to protect them, they can develop painful skewed thinking. If that person has children, they can be confused about nurturing their own children, and sometimes what takes place is they can have a child that reminds them of a person who abandoned or hurt them, or might remind them of a part of themselves that was abused and they can distance or punish that child. There are times when a parent will abuse one child and not abuse the other children. They have been trying to understand "why" a certain child is selected to abuse.

If your mother was abused by her father and she also ended up having a challenged life after that, as your mother did have a down's syndrome child that died, she can have a deep twisted belief that she was being punished. If you take that same woman who has a talented daughter who is adored by her father, which is what she was supposed to have, that can evoke deep anger and resentment and jealousy towards that child and it can be very deep subconscious challenge too. If you put that along with how your mother ended up having to be the caregiver to your father until he died, again that could be a big blow because again she was expected to give of herself and not really have "her own safety and pleasures" in her life.

Here "you" are this little bright shining star that had a daddy that supported her and she really did shine and thrive. That can be something that someone who was robbed of that can begin to deeply resent. Most likely deep in your mothers mind what she probably felt is that not only did her father not give her what she needed, but also her husband abandoned her when he spent more time adoring you then her. Did she watch you go off in the world thriving and shining while she was stuck caregiving for your father? Was your brother the "only" male that was somehow "there" for her? Even though he had challenges?

It could very well be that when she read that will punishing you, yes it was a very "twisted" anger and resentment towards you. But it was not really "you", it was how you managed to get something in your life that she did not. If your mother had gotten safety and caring and support by her father and mother, and had not been violated, her ability to be a better nurturer would have been there for you. Instead of resenting you, she would have had the mindset to enjoy seeing you get what she would have gotten had she had the right kind of love and encouragement. "Hurt people, Hurt people".

Unfortunately, your mother also used your brother to support her anger towards you, you who represented something that had been unattainable for her. And it was not all that hard for her to do that because he had challenges and was not the child who was shining who had talents that were getting supported. It is very probable that your brother was vented to a lot, so he has a lot of negative messages that were fed to him over and over, and unfortunately, the human brain does learn and deeply retain things that are put into it repetitively. Unfortunately, your brother was drawn to a nurturer who was deeply disturbed, as a child is so malleable and can imprint anything, even what is wrong or bad.

If a mother is "healthy", a child like you is always encouraged and it is pleasing to the mother even if a child, her child, does better and shines in some way and is happy. Well, you mother was not "healthy mentally" and she never even got real help for that.

It is not unusual for a child like you to be very confused by this outcome either. What you could not understand when you asked her how she could be so mean to you and take pleasure in reading that will to you that left you out of "gaining" anything financial or material is not something she was really capable of explaining or understanding herself. At that point, she was at the end of her life, a life where she never got to shine or have what you have. It was not so much that she hated you though, it was that she hated how unfair life was to her and yet she saw another little girl get what she never got. That final act of hers was "anger and resentment" over "her" life and she was showing how consumed she was by that anger. And there was no real way you could have really understood that either. Your father was embarrassed by her anger and how she included your brother into her resentful mindset. She resented that her life ended up sacrificing for others in different ways and no one was really there to "rescue" her either.

There was nothing you could have done to change that either, a child doesn't have the capacity to understand the depths of that "skewed and disturbed mindset" either. You never did anything wrong, it is important that you understand that too. And unfortunately, your brother is not going to be capable of understanding all that either, because he is too imprinted with "skewed thinking". He is going to honor your mother's anger and resentfulness because that is really all he knows how to do.

You did walk away with "the best" because in that very unhealthy scenario that neither you or your father could change, you got to be nurtured and supported by the healthiest person in that family, "your father". Be "thankful" that you were not in your brothers shoes clinging to a mother who was deeply disturbed and mentored him to carry her very unhealthy imprinting.

When you talk about how you prefer being with other people who are engaging life, who are healthier in mindsets and do appreciate you? That is a good thing, that is what your father nurtured in you and imprinted in you.

In your grieving, try to find your way to grieving for your mother even though she was just so awful towards you. It was very wrong for her to do that to you. Forgiveness, is never about forgiving the "wrong acts" either, it is finally learning to understand the "why" if possible and finding your way to rise above it because you can walk away realizing nothing was your fault, you really did not deserve to experience that scenario either, but you really are walking away with the best and healthiest mindset that your father so wanted for you. Somehow you have to find your way to understanding the "whys" behind your brother too, that he is not going to see the "bigger picture" either. Because you are so much healthier minded, that is a challenge because you would like to somehow fix that, but IMHO, I don't really think that can be fixed.

I have some of those challenges too, so I know how difficult it is. I have had to see some things that deeply affected me that I just didn't realize either. I was always a good natured person, always cared about others and genuinely wanted to help them whenever I saw a person struggling too. Unfortunately, I had to deal with some very challenged people in my life, people that were disturbed in ways I didn't always understand, however, was deeply affected by them. I do have some deep anger in me, not so much out of hatred and resentment like your mother had, but just because there were so many times where it was just so incredibly hard on me. I really loved my daughter and I really had very strong desires to nurture her in healthy ways. Unfortunately, that was constantly challenged by my husband's alcoholism and his deep issues that led him down that road and also led to him challenging me constantly. There were times when my daughter saw me emotional, even when I tried so hard not to be that way in front of her too. She doesn't understand how challenged I am with PTSD either, she does know I love her deeply though, but she is confused. At times I am glad that she is not seeing me everyday as I genuinely struggle with PTSD, because I have bad days and she isn't going to understand that. She is not in a place right now where she can sit with my therapist either, because she has her own challenges to deal with. Unfortunately, she was with a guy a lot like her father for too many years, she thought she could fix him like her mother fixed her father. Because a lot of her challenges happened during college away from my view, I didn't see the depth of what she was involved in. Her situation finally got so bad that she had to leave this young man too. What saddens me is how she now knows some of "my" pain. I had tried to save her from that too. Ugh, unfortunately, she imprinted how strong her mom was, how her mom fixed her father who was a nice man, but had bad problems. Her dad and her are very close and her dad does support her "a lot" and he really does love her. What she did not realize is how I didn't really "fix" her father, all I did was put my foot down and he began on a path to learn how to "fix" himself. All I did was my best to support that, but it was definitely hard on me. And it certain was never anything I wanted her to do either, because it doesn't always work out well, as she found out the hard way. Her boyfriend of so many years was a lot worse than my husband, he also has compulsive ADHD, but even worse than my husband and he is not willing to walk away from the alcohol that is his coping method that he uses to help him find a way to shut down and relax as his brain that is constantly in motion, worse than my husband as her boyfriend can't even sit still and just watch a movie.

I did not see this because so much of it took place out of my vantage point too. It has only been about 6 months that I have learned about compulsive ADHD and the symptoms that a sufferer has that they can't help without the right professional help. I wish I had the right help with learning about that years ago, because I really did struggle with my husband's different mannerisms that were a result of his compulsive ADHD.

Well, I really have had a lifetime of being challenged by others who had challenges that really affected me in so many ways where I really did struggle. It has been quite the challenge for me to sort through too. So I understand how you and many others can be challenged through no fault of your own.

I understand where you are and how you are stunned and confused and hurt too. I cannot say enough, that even though all of this is so very hard to process intellectually and emotionally, just know that you did get the healthiest part of that mess you grew up in that had challenged you. Understand what you cannot fix, and embrace the good in your life knowing that you do deserve it.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[deepbluelosthope]

Hi Open Eyes

My mother was sexually abused when she was about 14 or 15 by a friend of her father who was also a minister, I believe. (my grandfather was a Methodist minister). It was very odd how she told me. On a rare occasion of her visiting me and my husband she just came out with that bombshell over dinner in a restaurant. We didn't know what to say as it seemed such an odd time to be bringing this up and rather inappropriate. This was about 7 years ago. She had never mentioned it before that nor talked about it after. Very very odd. I don't have any details beyond those bare facts. I'm not sure how her mother reacted but my mother did mention later that she was abandoned by her parents when she was in her teens and she had to go to live with her cousins. I suspect that it had something to do with this incident although she said that this was because she had joined another church that my father wasn't a minister at - she implied this was a huge act of defiance in those days. On one occasion when I met her father we had travelled a long way to visit him and my grandmother. They were in their late 70s then. When we arrived at their house my grandfather turned on my mum and told her she was "a wicked daughter" and tried to send us all home. As that was going to be too long a drive we ended up staying. My grandfather then died of a sudden heart attack later that same visit.

I get a real sense that you wrongly blame yourself for how you have handled the challenges you have faced with your husband and daughter. I think these are very great challenges that anyone would struggle with. It is not your fault and I don't think you should be holding onto any blame or guilt.

I think in general there is a lot of history repeating itself in terms of abuse and other family issues. That is just a fact of life. We are having to deal with the cards dealt to us and it can be a struggle at times. We can only do what we can do and I know you are a good person who cares about others and that is really the most we can all do.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, you are right dblh, you are right about how abuse can repeat itself in families. It sounds like you are getting to a better place in understanding this too. The more you describe your mother, the more I can see her "skewed" thinking and I am sorry that you had to deal with that growing up. We have no control over who our parents are and what kind of deep messages they have in their minds that can be skewed and how we as children have no way to even begin to understand.

That was strange how your mother just came out and told you about what had happened to her so randomly. No one but a trained specialist would know how to respond to that or understand her need to present that information about herself that way. It really is more and more obvious that your mother needed therapy for her challenges and went without it so her mind just continued to get skewed and angry as time went on. I feel that your mother was just constantly abandoned, never really found her way past that challenge either, that can definitely happen, way too often then it should too.

IMHO, I feel that people who are very religious can become way too ridged and skewed. We have actually seen that throughout human history and with many different religions. There was definitely a religious influence in my home growing up too, however, my father always hated the politics of the church and we just stopped going. I grew up not really feeling a part of any specific religion other than just establishing my own relationship with god. It was not until years later when I heard about what was left out of the Bible that Jesus taught about how each of us can have a special relationship with god, and how important it is to look within ourselves because within ourselves is what god wanted us to learn and develop and appreciate. I am actually "glad" I was not actually a part of any labeled religion or church now, because I don't have the kind of skewed thinking that what I feel was not what Jesus ever intended, but instead was just taken over and skewed to just keep order and control over people.

Your mother deciding to join a different church should have been her choice, and not grounds for a betrayal of some kind. Unfortunately, that kind of scenario did happen in families not so long ago, can even happen now in some areas or cultures. Unfortunately, your mother's mind was very skewed in what she considered "betrayal". That was very clear by her final need to do what she did to you. I can't blame you for deeply struggling with that and how complicated it has been for you to grieve either.

Honestly, from what you have shared with me about yourself, to me represents an individual who is following the kind of "faith" that was meant to be followed. You have had talents and depth to you that you did pursue and you have expressed the depth of your emotions in such a beautiful and meaningful way in what you have done in your music that also is moving to others too. That is really what "real faith" is all about, it is reaching into self and developing whatever is there be it in music, creating a painting or drawing, or writing poetry, a novel, or as my cousin spent his life doing, learning how to restore faces on people who were damaged by fires or disease and he even built an esophagus in a person who did not have one, that was ground breaking and gave someone a chance at life.

When I raised my daughter, my constant message was that all I wanted from her was for her to pursue whatever made her happy. I never imposed on her the idea that she needed to do something for "me" or that she needed to have "my tastes" in things either. Well, my daughter loves riding, training, and showing horses and she is constantly wanting to learn how to do it right and also respect the horse. Sometimes she grovels with whether she should be doing something else, and I don't ever encourage her to feel she is doing something wrong. My daughter is a huge animal lover too. She just adopted two more dogs that the owner asked her to take because they were getting a divorce. LOL, now my daughter has three Labs, a yellow, a chocolate, and a black lab. Well, she was not expecting that to happen but she just really loves having animals around her, so IMHO, then do it. She is amazing with animals and they definitely show they are happy and loved, her horses are that way too. It's funny because people have made comments about how loving her horses always were, not like theirs, but that was because of how she didn't just "use" the horses, she always engaged them too. Well, that is what you do with your violin and your piano you have learned how to pick up that violin and bring out all of yourself in it. I think that is amazing. In my heart of hearts, that is what I do believe is what "god" really wants of us. That is what "true faith" really is all about that so many have missed out on, because of the way different religions were organized.

Whenever you perform and share your gift, a gift you have invested in despite the challenges you have faced, that is what "celebrating real faith" is really all about. When others can sit and listen to you and be moved, that is what is supposed to happen the real meaning of "letting god into one's life" is all about. And I think that is what you need to finally understand to the depth of you and understand what you are mourning is how your mother never understood that and that was unfortunately instilled in her because of how she didn't have the kind of parents that themselves really saw that.

You were lucky in that your "father", in his own way saw that and he did give you permission. So, even though there was wrong around you, there was also enough right so you could be what you were meant to be. I don't mean to be all about religion in my post here, but I know that something like this can lead to a personal spiritual questioning in people. Well, IMHO, it doesn't have to be that way, it doesn't have to be so ridged, it can actually be much simpler and personally rewarding then people realize. There doesn't have to be parting of waters or all the different things that got added in to messages that were meant to help someone embrace life and their god given gifts. IMHO, you don't have to go to church to celebrate faith either, you have been already doing that every time you play your violin and share the beauty that
creates with others.

((Hugs)))
OE

[reginox]

I am sorry you have to live with memories of this emotional and psychological abuse. I understand because I was abused and rejected by my father and step father but at least I got away from these men. I understand the damage it can do.

I commend you on your desire to be a good person. While abusive people are acting out some trauma on us as children, it does not lessen the effects.

You will have to work at building your sense of worth. I just believe I am good and worthy of existence (2 suicide attempts). I developed a list of values and I look at them every day. I write self affirming sentence like ten or 15 times every so often. I look for ways to brighten other people's lives. I am still plagued with the inability to connect with other people and sometimes I feel hollow inside. I don't do therapy because I can't identify feelings very well. I have to really pay attention to my interactions with my daughter and encourage her to express her emotions.

Try some of these things, try finding an affirmation (google them) and write it out several times a day - put a little note in your mirror. It takes time (months) but you will rewire your thinking.

Tell your brother that you love him but he is not allowed to hurt you anymore and let him go.

Build up the memories of you and your father and minimize the memories of your mom.

I am sorry but some people are just mean, broken and can only hurt other people - my fathers, your mother - they are these unfortunate people. I mourn for them but I keep myself safe.

You do the same. You obviously try to bring light into the world of others...keep it up.

[deepbluelosthope]

Dear Open Eyes

Your words make so much sense to me. You totally understand what I am going through and that is hugely comforting.

I think with regard to your daughter, you have done the very best thing in bringing her up - to support her in what she wants to do and see her happy. That is exactly what a loving mother should do, in my opinion, and I think you should feel very proud for that. I wish I had had a mother like that. You are a very warm, caring and wise person.

Thank you so much,
Your friend
DBLH

[deepbluelosthope]

Dear Reginox

Thank you for this. I think this is excellent advice and I will try to put this into practice.

Thank you and best wishes,
DBLH