[nummy]

So anyway I went to Wallyworld with visiting family, and I was just creeped out the whole time. It's PTSD, but the result is agoraphobia. I'm upset because I'm on medicine, going to therapy, had a breakthrough, the works. So why am I still having anxiety attacks in public? (Or near anxiety attacks).

[nummy]

Can anyone answer???

[Open Eyes]

(((nummy))),
I am sorry you were not answered right away. I can relate to your frustration. I have gained a lot in therapy and my healing too, even recognized the gains I have made, however, I still have the challenge you describe at times too.

I have this challenge everyday when I go out to take care of my ponies and horses. I have days where even though I am doing better, I still have the deep subconscious messages that want to "avoid" being around my horses and ponies because the brain wants to "avoid any reminders of the trauma". I am not even thinking about being anxious either, it just happens/comes over me.

I know that you tried to go out and enjoy this journey and I think that was good, even though you struggled. Try to keep in mind that our brain only "learns" and develops skills as we "practice and do" over and over. Think back to when you were first learning to write and make different letters and had to really concentrate on each letter and practice writing that letter over and over and there was "stress" with that process. Well, now you just write things out with little thought about how to make each letter and then put them together to make words.

I taught riding to little children, English style where the children had to first get used to how the pony felt, then what a trot felt like and then going up and down in the saddle in rhythm with the pony, that is called posting. Each child would stress and get discouraged, and I told them to remember this because when they eventually "do" get it, they will just do it and feel it is normal and do it without even thinking. That time always did eventually come, and I always made sure to remind each child to remember when they struggled to learn how to do it. I wanted them to think about that not just for the riding, but for anything they are trying to learn and struggle with so they realize that they "can" learn a skill and that it just takes time.

I have also trained ponies too, they had to learn to be "ok" on the horse trailer, they had to learn to be "ok" and not stress at different places I took them to as well. A pony has a brain the size of a walnut nummy, so it takes them longer with me repeating experiences over and over until they learn to be ok and relax. My customers see this calm and well behaved pony that is gentle and relaxed, they have no idea how much time it takes me to accomplish that final product they are seeing and enjoying, they think what I do is easy and that ponies are just like what they see, but that is so not the case, it takes a lot of time and patience on my part and exposing them over and over again for a couple of years before they settle down into what I want of them. It takes me about 5 years to get them comfortable enough to go out by themselves with me and not have another pony there too.

Just getting them used to the trailer took me time, putting them on and
taking short rides, come home, off. Did that just about every day, same thing only slowly increasing the time they were on the trailer until they learned it was ok and could finally settle down. People don't even realize
how much work just that one part of what I do was for me, they just see a pony in a trailer that seems happy and calm.

I think it was great that you went out, I know you felt uncomfortable, but it is important that you keep doing it as much as you can, maybe not for such a long time though, but just build up the time you go out, that is exactly what I have to do with my ponies, they got spooky and nervous too, but they did finally settle in with patience and time.

Just keep that in mind and don't be hard on yourself.

((Hugs))
OE

[nummy]

Thanks, OE. It does take courage for me to go out. I'm avoiding one store due to real reasons, but my coworkers are now whispering about that behind me. Not out if earshot, so I know they're going in for the salt-crusted knife in the back. None of these people were ever once personally affected by my panic disorder, even though it did blow up at work once. The guys on the shift who saw my meltdown have been decent; it's this other shift now, being cruel. I pity them, at the same time I both understand I have to make them feel safe on the job, but I'm wearying of it always being a one way street. They say they have to walk on eggshells around me, but of course that's a laugh. Common workplace and company rules don't include eggshells just professionalism. I don't see how their being forced to not make fun of me constitutes walking on eggshells.
(Sigh).

[Open Eyes]

((nummy)),

It "is" hard to be around someone with PTSD, people just don't know or understand what might trigger someone who has it. My husband has used that term about walking on eggshells around me too. I get frustrated because I have told him what triggers me many times. People just struggle to understand it nummy, they just do, and honestly, had I not had first hand experience knowing what PTSD means and struggle with it myself, I don't think I would understand it either. I would "try" to understand it because that is how I am, but I would probably say some wrong things unknowingly.

Patience dear one, Patience, I know it's a challenge, me too.

(((Understanding Hugs)))
OE

[doglover1979]

You can absolutely feel safe again!

Have you spoken with your T about therapy that is specific to agoraphobia? There is a method of exposure therapy that I found helpful in dealing with crowded and noisy places. Maybe you and your T can make it a treatment goal.

[nummy]

Thank you, OE. That's something I never really considered...

Doglover, that is great advice. I think I will take it up!

Thank you both soo much for giving me insight...and hope.