[MotownJohnny]

Yet I never quite do. I've written it several times, but never sent it. Would it matter? Would it make any difference to a physician who seems to have such a bad public reputation and many negative patient reviews? Probably not.

Would it help me? I think it would, but realistically, what does sending a letter off into the cosmos, knowing there won't be a reply, do for me? Satisfaction of having my say, perhaps, but other than that, it doesn't change anything.

I almost never think about childhood events any more. I still think about the event so August/Sept 2012 and the aftermath thereof a lot. Not as much as I did 6 months ago, but too often still.

Have any of you ever written a "poison pen" letter to someone you feel really wronged you, and sent it? Did it give you any sense of "closure"?

BTW, just for the record, I'm not contemplating some kind of personal attack, but i would definitely point out everything I felt was lacking professionally. Some things are kind of gray - this physician, for example, seemed extreme obsessed about billing and payment in a very non-professional way -- it's "personal" in the sense that this seems to be a very "greedy" person, but it reflects poorly on the person as a professional - to my knowledge, doctors aren't supposed to grill you about money like some debt collector telemarketer (and, for the record, I paid all of the bills in full and on time AFTER I GOT THEM - it was the practice's billing service that didn't have its act together, not MY fault, probably as cheap there as about other things and hired some fly-by-night billing service run out of someone's basement )

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown)),

I can totally hear you here, I have that same deep desire myself. I actually did write a letter to a psychiatrist that needed to diagnose me with Bipolar II as well as PTSD. He said that it was because I had not responded to antidepressants, which is totally "wrong" because when I was given them in the psych ward I could not get past the side effects and only took them for either one or two days, which as you know is NO PROOF that I didn't respond because antidepressants take a while before it is even known that they are working. Also, he prescribed Welbutrin to me which aggravated the PTSD, and my therapist told me Welbutrin is known to aggravate PTSD. On top of that I was switched to the generic which is not even the same mix and it did come out that people had bad
reactions to the generic.

Well, as I mentioned I did write him a letter and when I finally actually got an appointment he told me how displeased he was with my "single spaced" letter and he even wrote that in his final report. He still insisted that he felt there was Bipolar and I know HE IS WRONG and there is no way he could "fairly" access that by the fact that I was not on AD's more than two days because of the side effects other than the Welbutrin that is known to aggravate PTSD. And I had been on Zoloft for a length of time in the past when I reacted badly to an implant of Lupron that totally depleted me of estrogen and I crashed because of that and was treated with estrogen and the Zoloft. With the Zoloft however it got so the sexual side effect of it became too uncomfortable because I was constantly aroused with no way to relieve it because that is how antidepresents can react in the brain, blocking the area in the brain that produces an orgasm. That has NOTHING to do with Bipolar, as Zoloft does have KNOWN SEXUAL SIDE EFFECTS.

All I managed to get was a record of me disagreeing with my diagnoses. YES, there are psychiatrists and clinical psychologists that misdiagnose PTSD and put down other disorders instead, my therapist and I have discussed that YES THIS TAKES PLACE.

I totally understand your anger and not just for yourself, but for how others who struggle deserve to be given the correct diagnoses instead of being led down a road of confusion. My therapist has agreed that "yes" the system is broken and patients don't always get the treatment they truly deserve.

It is funny how you brought this very thing up because I finally brought in all my records to my therapist yesterday so he could see for himself how badly misdiagnosed I was and even treated badly when I tried to correct what was wrongly diagnosed too. Also, my therapist has heard from other patients how badly they were treated by the psychiatrist that also badly treated me in the psych ward. That psychiatrist is not liked even by other professionals that will say something "off the record" so they don't get in trouble with the politics of that psych ward. Can you believe that?

It is pretty bad when someone is diagnosed with a mental illness and they try to fight back too. The wrong diagnoses can be used against them, that is sad and unfair too, talk about "blaming the victim" right?

The bottom line that you also do not see is that ANY doctor does not want to admit ANY mistake for fear of being sued or losing his insurance coverage. They get mad too, and unfortunately the patient is the one that ends up suffering the most too.

Oh, I hear you Big Time. Look at how many members who suffer from PTSD also get diagnosed with Bipolar II Mowtown, also other disorders
when all it is, is PTSD AND the symptoms PTSD presents that only mimic
symptoms of other disorders. If you really think about the stages of PTSD,
it can be confused with major depressive disorder, avoidant personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, adjustment disorder, agoraphobia, acute anxiety disorder and there are others my T told me that I can't remember at the moment.

Oh yes, I hear your anger, it's bad enough to suffer from PTSD, never mind be led to believe you are also suffering for other disorders too.
I get very very angry myself Mowtown.

And think about how I feel where I really wish my records were accurate because the proof my Lawyer wants (a video of my neighbor's dog) runs
constantly in my head, plays every night in my sleep, and I wake up with it every morning too. All I talked about was that in the psych ward and in out patient therapy too. I am still working with my therapist on it who tells me I NEED TO HAVE THIS CASE SETTLED so he can REALLY HELP ME FINALLY PUT IT BEHIND ME. But with the other misdiagnoses in my records the opposing attorney will just BEAT ME UP on the stand, HOW AWFUL IS THAT? It is living HELL for me Mowtown.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through - I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you, you're a very caring woman and don't deserve any of that.

I want to respond, will try tonight (I'm at work now, and really swamped!) IF I can manage to stay awake. But, I want to take time to say this - something I find pretty amusing now -- I got my records from the hospital program a year ago, and they were full of errors, inaccuracies, etc. Almost laughable, and this is "the best" of the best in terms of medical facilities in the state. One thing that I find hilariously amusing now is that they wrote "patient requires PHP stabilization after failure to respond to outpatient pharmacology" or something to that effect. Yeah, I didn't "respond" and get "all happy" because - the quack started me on a 25 mg starter dose of Lamictal on Friday, and I started at the hospital PHP the following Tuesday. So, after having a grand whopping total of 100 mgs of Lamictal in my system spread out over 96 hours, why wasn't I dancing for joy? Probably because Lamictal is a "step-up" drug that takes 2 months or more to get to a therapeutic dose of at least 200 mgs and as much as 800 mgs for some patients.

Besides, I never did have any real response to it, other than some bad side effects, because I never had bipolar II in the first place. More like bipolar M.A. syndrome (bipolar my ***!).

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I believe you Mowtown, even what is supposed to be the best of the best is often not all that.

Once someone understands PTSD and gets stronger and makes gains on it they can see the mistakes that were made in diagnosing and treating as you are describing. When someone goes to a psych ward, the answer is to "stabilize" the patient and try to set up outpatient treatment and move them through as soon as possible. Many of these places don't have help with the proper training to spot a patient suffering from "trauma" or "PTS". My therapist has told me an effort is "slowly" being made to train the staff better in these places so they don't make a trauma patient even more traumatized as I was. I left in worse shape then when I went in. I cannot say "all" places as some places are better than others when it comes to patient care.

When it comes to PTSD, not all treatment providers really understand it, they know about it but they don't realize what to look for in the symptoms, which of course leads to misdiagnosing. When you are with someone who really "knows" the symptoms and has experience treating patients, it is a very different story, and the patient will begin to get the right therapy and it really does make a big difference.

OE

Hey Motown, Hey Open Eyes,

Yes, I've written letters to people that have wronged me, kept them for awhile and then thrown them away. Because I know the person in question wouldn't give it a second thought.

But as for anything that has to do with my medical or mental health care-I go to the appropriate advocate, file formal letters of complaint or speak to supervisors. I've found that works much more effectively than writing that person a letter, unless you are just doing it to make yourself feel better. And that's okay too.

Open Eyes, when I saw the word Wellbutrin (sp?) yet another piece of the puzzle fell into place. I took it for three days and had a terrible reaction to it. I'm lucky in that I'm getting my health care from the VA and they are pretty familiar with PTSD. As for complex PTSD, I want to do more research and hope you will continue to advise me on this. But everything I've read so far reinforces what you've told me and what I'm reading on your posts.

Thanks for much for coming to my rescue!

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by Tea&Sympathy

But as for anything that has to do with my medical or mental health care-I go to the appropriate advocate, file formal letters of complaint or speak to supervisors. I've found that works much more effectively than writing that person a letter, unless you are just doing it to make yourself feel better. And that's okay too.

I agree with this totally. If you want to rid the world of these insensitive quacks, report them. Docs can protect each other for only so long. There are advocate orgs that can help you. I had a real b**ch for a GP once. Didn't know s**t about psych (most don't) and got very angry at me for wanting something to help me sleep. She was acting like a was a drug addict wanting a fix. To make a long story short, I sent her an angry letter, felt better, but now wish I'd reported her.

[MotownJohnny]

I thought about that route, but honestly, it's more of a "can of worms" than I want to deal with. Because I doubt it would change anything. The only part about that is it might help someone else in the future avoid the same problem. At least there are the online patient review sites -- I haven't posted anything on those yet myself, because there are a significant number of posts and reviews about this doctor, and not one of them says anything good, and some of them are things I could have written verbatim. So, there is that.

[Open Eyes]

What upsets me is that because I didn't get the right help even when I reached out, I almost took my own life. When I look back and read my records, it didn't have to be that way. I had no idea what being in trauma/shock/crisis/PTS meant, I thought I was having some kind of nervous breakdown. However, I described the trauma over and over, I showed all the symptoms too, and yet I went misdiagnosed. I actually asked for all the things that would have helped me too, yet I was treated like I was wrong to need that not only by the professionals I reached out to for help, but by my own family too. I could have been diagnosed correctly and my family could have been properly informed and told what to watch out for and how to support me. It took four years for that to happen, and it did begin to make a difference when that was finally done too. But for four years I was treated badly for struggling with something I really could not help, I think that is so sad, and wrong and could be prevented.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

I agree with that sentiment, too, OE. Actually, I guess I'm "lucky" in the sense it really only took someone 4 months to figure it out, and me a few more months to push it to the point where I could find a different psychiatrist who listened to me and actually HEARD me, and then agreed that is was never bipolar in the first place.

BTW, I want to throw this out there for anyone - I did NOT do my research and due diligence checking out "the quack" - and I paid the price. I was just too much of a mess, and relied upon the hospital/medical system's hype and reputation of "only the best" - they advertise here on the radio/tv all the time, "Do you have a ******** Doctor?" Well, I got a ******** Doctor, and got screwed over royally. Then, when I was looking for the psychiatrist I now see, who is awesome, I googled her for hours before I made an appointment, and everything that came up was overwhelmingly positive. Patient reviews were outstanding, everyone seems to just love her. After having seen her probably 9 or 10 times in a year, I have to agree, she is really great. So, my point is - CHECK THEM OUT ONLINE FIRST. And, if the reviews are bad, don't go there.

It's all weird for me, how it worked out in the long run. Mostly good, in spite of how it played out, not because of. And, that is only because I refused to accept and "buy into" what I was told. I fought, because I refused to accept a diagnosis of bipolar, and because I refused to accept that I was "hopeless", or that I had done something wrong. Which is how I was made to feel. I often wonder, had I just not questioned, ran with it, and done a lot of the things that I was told to do, what kind of mess would I be in today? Some examples - in the day hospital program, they explicitly told me I should quit my job. And, they were really unhappy because, even in the state I was in, a total emotional wreck, I was going into the office in the evenings AFTER the day program (which ended at 3:30, I just went in after 5:00 after my boss went home, it was easy, my office is 2 miles from the hospital). Not specifically addressed just to me, but during their daily "psych education" hour, one of the topics they repeated each week was about getting on disability, etc. That terrified me, they wanted me to throw away my life and career, and I worked damned hard to get it, 6 total years of college, 2 bachelors, a year and a half of training in an ABA approved program to get my professional certifications. And, they wanted me to sit in a chair all day, watch tv, and collect my $950 or whatever a month of SSI, believing I was "crazy" and popping a ton of pills? Yeah, there is a bright future. If that were my future, and that were the path I went down because I gave up and gave in, it would only be a kindness and the right thing to do to end myself.

Of course, if I don't get back to work right now and stop posting on the Internet, I might end up sitting in a chair all day doing nothing anyway. Later, I hope (although that never works out, I just can't stay awake once I'm done for the day!)

[Open Eyes]

Well Mowtown, you didn't know, when someone is in crisis like that as I was myself, they don't know how important it is to stop and research to make sure they are reaching out to the right professionals. As I mentioned, I honestly didn't know about Post Traumatic Stress or that I was reacting to being traumatized, or that I had been hyper vigilant too long, and I didn't even know what "hyper vigilance" was, I had never even heard the expression "being triggered" either.

Yes, it is good that you did not take the advice to quit your job and withdraw as was suggested to you. A leave of absence is better until a patient can get stabilized which "can" happen with the right medications and diagnoses, and therapy as you now know. Also, having the right support is important too. Actually the advice you were given only made you worse to a point where you doubted yourself and genuinely feared people would deem you crazy etc.

Mowtown, that is exactly what happened to me too, when the psychiatrist I had felt my GP should be able to continue prescribing the Klonopin for me and sent my GP my records, my GP got mad as hell and threw my records at me and said I was an extremely mentally disturbed person. I was totally HORRIFIED and took my records and ran out to my car in tears. That is the first time I looked at my records with all these diagnoses that I didn't even understand. I was ONLY told I had PTSD, I had no idea how the other professionals had misread the clear red flags and misdiagnosed me.

I spent a lot of time trying to look up all the things that were said about me and try to understand them. I didn't even know what a trigger was until I joined PC and that was almost 4 years after I was misdiagnosed. Yet I was constantly being triggered and having PTSD cycles that were crippling me more and more. I thought PTSD was deep grief and that I would get over it too, that didn't happen, instead I progressed further and further into it developing full blown post traumatic "disorder" verses just post traumatic stress where I could have been helped so I didn't advance into the disordered stage.

I don't know how I managed to keep working my business either, I was often extremely crippled by horrible cycles I did not understand that were constantly dismissed by my family too. I really genuinely believed that my family would NEVER understand how bad I was and getting worse, I was dangerously suicidal. And, the one thing I would NEVER do is EVER go back to that psych ward too. NO ONE deserves to get that bad NO ONE.

I totally understand "why" you feel a need to speak up Mowtown, I am the same way myself. It is pretty profound when experiencing this first hand knowing how crippling it can be and what would "REALLY" help someone who is genuinely struggling. That is why I hover around this forum because I would not be here had I not had a member support me and explain what these incredibly strong dark thought/drives meant. It actually scares me now looking back at how horribly bad I was WITH NO HELP even when I tried to say how badly I was doing. My husband was often mean to me, even told me to go ahead and was very dismissive and even kept his loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed. I was really dangling on a serious edge to where it would not take much for me to take that final action. However, I am glad that I didn't and got to the point where I did get help and FINALLY my therapist sat my husband down and made him understand how serious it really was for me. If I had acted, I would not be here to see how much people don't really understand and to help others get through that dark stage too. The truth is, people genuinely do not understand how SERIOUS it really is. It doesn't have to get so crippling for someone struggling either, people deserve to get the right help, even families deserve to be told what it means and what they need to do to help their family member.

I genuinely wish I had a video camera attached to my head all that time so members could see how badly I was treated, to see how my GP looked at me, was so angry, and threw my records at me too. I wish I had a way to show all of you the meeting I had with the psychiatrist who misdiagnosed me with BP II and how I was trying to explain to him what was really THE TRUTH and how he REFUSED TO LISTEN, and then at the end he just stared at me so seriously and said, "You are a very misunderstood person", yet he didn't say one more damn word, TIME WAS UP I HAD TO LEAVE. HOW CRUEL IS THAT? I did question my diagnoses and HE DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL. Yet, HE WAS WRONG and STILL IS.

I am so bad now that going to see a doctor is a huge trigger for me and
I trigger so badly that I avoid going to the doctor, and have yet to be able to be examined now. It's horrible. I tried with the help of my T to at least establish a relationship with a new woman doctor. The first time I went was so bad for me, the second time was very hard too, and I have not been back to see her again "yet" because I have so many other challenges going on, I just don't have the energy to go through a big cycle like that again right now tbh. What is hard is that this woman doctor has been told about me by my therapist, but it is clear she has not seen someone so bad like me before. Although, she is trying very hard to be nice, it's just hard to see her so not sure of what she is seeing though. It is hard to go there because I definitely have flashbacks both body and mind and it's very overwhelming and extremely embarrassing.

I have had a lot of therapy and a lot of reading too, to a point where I know I was wrongly diagnosed, and it has been verified by my therapist and in what I have also read too. That is why I finally gave my therapist my records so he
could see everything that was said to me, how badly I was treated too, because he definitely knows me now and he will finally see how bad it really was that led to the woman who was so completely desperate that sat in front of him when we first started therapy.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

Well, I couldn't resist coming back to this discussion, because I know it just won't happen after I finally get done with my day around 10:00 tonight (and my Friday starts when the alarm goes off at 3 AM).

Yes, it seems there is a LOT of "bad medicine" being practiced out there, in a lot of fields. My physical situation isn't much different, I have been having problems with being dizzy, short of breath, and nauseous for a couple of years. But, looking back, I have always had problems, usually never "feeling good" a lot of the time, but yet nothing specific that I or anyone else ever nailed down. After the big fiasco, I resolved to take care of myself physically and mentally, to turn myself into a tough guy, a warrior if you will (ok, I still have my sensitive side as well, I'm the perfect man, actually so why am I still single? ) Taking care of my physical health meant getting serious about it, about losing the middle aged spread, about getting into shape, about getting stronger. And, I did it, but it was tough, because I was sick through a lot of it, I'd be dizzy all of the time during workouts, a lot of the time I would run for a garbage can and throw up in the middle of a session. It wasn't fun. But, I did it anyway, because I am highly motivated to NOT allow "the Universe" to take my life away from me.

So, in trying to figure out what was up with my physical health, I ended up seeing a few different doctors. Got sent to a cardiologist, who said it wasn't my heart. And, it wasn't neurological per se, and it wasn't any kind of thyroid or hormonal problem, it wasn't a blood problem, it wasn't ... anything anyone could identify. And, of course, I was always suspicious that each new doctor would "find out" about the psychiatric thing and just chalk it up to "he's faking it or making it up." Well, after I started training for triathlon, it got really bad, to the point most days I was barely able to make it through workouts, and then I was dragging a lot of the day. This was only this past winter, January, February. Finally, end of Feb, I had it, and one day I said to myself, if it isn't heart, or blood, or gastrointestinal, or .... whatever, what is left, what COULD it be? Well, one thing no one ever checked out beyond the cursory listen was my breathing and lungs. So, I googled the symptoms and "breathing disorders" and I hit on a match to my symptoms, exercise-induced asthma. Made myself an appointment with a pulmonologist, had a couple of tests, and bingo, found out my ability to exhale was only 42% of the volume I was taking in. So, the air in my lungs was "stagnant" and high in CO2. He started me on three drugs, two inhaled and a pill, and it was instant relief. That was March, 2 months later, I feel completely "normal" and "healthy" again. And, I did it, none of these other doctors, including my PCP, figured it out. And, it made a lot of my prior health history "make sense" after I figured it out, I was always kind of "sickly" and "weak" physically in some ways, I was never able to keep up in terms of physical exertion in gym class or whatever. I can remember just about passing out in elementary school gym class after a few minutes of certain activities, or throwing up, and now, I know why.

Yup, I figured it out - and, it isn't anything particularly unusual or exotic, several million people in the US alone have this condition, which is technically called exercise-induced bronchoconstriction. Olympians have it, for crying out loud - Jackie Joyner Kersee is one. But, a lot like PTSD, it's symptoms are very similar to many other conditions, so ... end result is, in my middle age, I am finally "healthy" in a way I feel I have never been.

And, it's just like that in mental health. You have to be your own best patient advocate, but the catch-22 is, you are often NOT in a frame of mind to do that. And, if you don't have someone else in your life you can trust, who will do it for you, you are basically screwed, and at the mercy of whatever "the system" throws your way. That is what happened to me. And to you.

Hi Guys-

I have to agree with you both. I was told by a doctor once that I 'didn't deserve the cadillac of care because I was only on medicaide.'

I developed a severe allergy to milk. The first time it put me in the hospital they said I was just constipated. Yeah, that would explain the constant vomiting. The second time, a few weeks later, they said the same thing until my blood pressure dropped to 70/40. The nurse looked at me and said, 'God, I don't know why you're still concious.' I ended up going home without a diagnosis so began to do my research. When I realized what it might be, I stopped drinking milk with lactose, or eating ice cream or cheese and my symptoms magically disappeared.

I've also been mistreated or treated with scorn by doctors and nurses because I am overweight. The attitude seemed to be, well, if you're fat you obviously don't deserve the best treatment and you're disgusting.

I saw the trauma specialist today and they are going to start me on a series of written tests. In my 15 years of being diagnosed as Bipolar, no one has ever suggested that before. What a concept! When I brought up the complex PTSD, the doc was right there with me. She said one of the things we are going to do during your treatment plan is to make sure you have been correctly diagnosed and it's entirely possible you do have complex PTSD.

Just like you said, Open Eyes. I just didn't expect that kind of reaction. I expected that same dismissive attitude I've gotten so many times before.
So in listening to you guys, I feel extremely lucky.

Open Eyes, when I read in your post about the doctor getting so angry with you that he threw your records at you, I couldn't believe it. The Hypocratic Oath says, "First, do no harm." Maybe they don't teach that in medical school anymore. I understand your anger, both at the medical community and at your husband. I can't even comprehend such cruelty.

As human beings we at least deserve basic respect. I think that regular medical personal become defensive when faced with mental illness of any kind because they don't have the training. So they become defensive and dismissive. And once they tack that 'crazy' label on you, it's as if you don't deserve the same level of treatment and courtesy reserved for the 'normal' people.

I am so sorry you have had to endure this for so long, and I understand your anger and your aversion to doctors. My last shrink refused to take me off seroquel, though I had been asking him to for two years. He also told me they did not prescribe klonipin. The final straw was when he made a joke about me becoming manic. He said, "Well, we don't want you writing three books in three weeks." It was such a tremendous personal insult and insult to my profession that I was shocked into silence. I hung up the phone and called my advocate for that mental health facility. I never had to see him again, a complaint went into his file and when I saw the med nurse she told me they had always prescribed klkonipin.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I hope that somehow you will find someone who will treat with the respect due you, and be able to help you. You have helped me tremendously and I am so grateful.

Tea

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Tea, I feel that what professionals think is a manic episode when it comes to PTSD, is being confused with the "fight/flight" that happens with PTSD. However, when someone is trapped in an abusive relationship for example, that person will often respond with putting a lot of energy into something they "can" control. When I was dealing with my husband's binge alcoholism when he was active, I did not feel safe and I often offset that by cleaning my home or creating something nice in the home. What I was doing was what does happen with a lot of women that are trapped with that alcoholic too but I did not realize it at the time. My therapist who is very knowledgeable about alcoholism and the dysfunction it causes has discussed the way a wife reacts psychologically trying to make up for feeling unsafe and uncertain. What is thought of as Bipolar is not but as I said, it is often a deep psychological way of trying to find some sense of "control" to offset the dysfunction. What tends to build up is instead the "flight/fight" that creates the cortisol adrenaline build up in the brain and the person begins to tap onto it by putting energy into doing something to burn it off and feel control/release. That is actually a normal human reaction, we need to have that to overcome and survive.

Actually, if you pay attention to people who have PTSD that have a history of abuse of some kind or neglect, they are extremely smart and had found their way to gaining in spite of their history. Well, this isn't bipolar, instead it is how we are designed to survive as a species. When you see people that have lost their homes due to some big weather event, they are stunned, yet after a time, they are compelled to rebuild with a kind of energetic drive. Often as the rebuilding takes place, there is even more thought that goes into reconstructing something stronger too, well, that is exactly how we survived. Our brains are designed to have chemical reactions that sets into motion some kind of "problem solving" to help us survive.

When a vet comes home from active duty where they are exposed to seeing horrors, horrors that we don't see here as civilians, they do not feel "welcome home", what they do feel is "horror" and that how we kill each other, that act of war is a major threat to human beings. Yes, many of them develop PTSD and they are so compelled to the depths of them to find a way to express how vile war really is yet they cannot find the words that will convey to others the depth of how very bad it truly is. It is one thing to see it in a movie or documentary, but to experience it for one's self carries an impact that simply cannot be understood until one experiences it first hand. Often, when they do come home, "dismissiveness" is all around them and no, a mere "welcome home, and thank you for your service" is a trigger to many of them.

When I met one of these vets here, he talked about how "welcome home" is a trigger for him and he could not really connect and he also hated how people felt that "put vets together" so they can share, because that didn't help him either. Well, I did not fight in a war, yet I did and I did see something I loved very much destroyed, and I did experience that "dismissiveness" he talked about, and for all the times I did talk about it, I did notice how people often did not seem to get it, did not respond the way I needed either, and it was very strange and it "hurt", it hurt in a way I find hard to describe in words too. Sometimes I am angry, yet other times I am so sad and weepy and if that happens in front of people I often feel either embarrassed or vulnerable to just being called crazy, and sadly that is exactly what did happen to me too.

Teacake started a thread about being so smart or gifted and she talked about a new place she went where people with PTSD are supposed to get help. She was so disappointed because all she saw was well meaning inexperienced people that didn't really have a meaningful program to address individuals that have PTSD with an extreme heightened awareness. Well, when someone has PTSD, it is as though they are standing still and can see so much more that so many people just do not see. It is having a magnifying glass you now see through where you can see so much more then others see, and when you try to explain it to them, because they can't see it, don't feel it, they don't believe you and even are dismissive and often tell you to "just not pay attention and learn to ignore it". That is why "welcome home" is often a trigger to vets, because it's just a little phrase people utter as they go along in their little worlds where there is so much they "just" do not see or feel.

In my last therapy session when I finally gave my records of all I went through in my effort to get help after I saw all my ponies and horses so badly damaged, how I spent so much time trying to address their damages
so much, too much, I just could not function one more day. I was treated so badly, misdiagnosed, and really treated like I had no right to be so grief
stricken and yet so angry at the same time, it has really been HELL. My therapist asked me, "Do you feel misunderstood?", YES, I really do and
the reality is I AM MISUNDERSTOOD. Even when I said everything the right way, everything, no one was REALLY listening the way I genuinely needed. My lawyer does see how I was let down by my last lawyer who was mentally incompetent, by my vet who tended to all that damage, whom I interacted with so much via emails, who did not even have a medical history of all my ponies and horses because he deleted all his old records. I kept everything, and I spent so much time putting that history together looking through all my different files that I kept over the years. This vet was not good at all about writing details down when he came out to tend to anything that came up that I needed him for. However, he always told me how important it was to keep a history on my different ponies and horses, history is so important he would always say. So, I did that with all of them. I got everything together that he did not have, I gave it to him with all his invoices. He reprinted the invoices and charged the opposing side for doing that, but he would not recognize all of my records and what he did do only helped the opposing side. I had this vet for over 25 years, he knew me so well, he knew how well I took care of my horses and ponies, and he always commented on that too. He always also knew I went above and beyond too, and when I saw what he did, even now my heart is so broken. I have been condemned for being responsible as he taught me to be. He definitely told my ex lawyer he had NO RECORDS, he took what I gave him and copied it and MADE MONEY OFF OF THAT the rest is just TOO INCONVIENT for him.

While my new lawyer sees how badly I have been let down by my ex lawyer and this vet who she is very angry about, she has no idea how badly I was treated when it also came to reaching out for help psychologically too. And while I was trying to address the damage and get help, my neighbors continued to disrespect and intrude on me, even almost hit me when I was hand walking a sick pony that was sick because of "their dog and their negligence to contain it even though they knew their system had failed". I want to be able to sleep at night without waking up because my brain is reliving seeing that dog destroy so much, I want to wake up feeling rested instead of waking up wanting to find a way to have justice take place somehow. I am told that if I include the PTSD, which is my reality now, I will only get beaten up for it by the opposing side even more than I already am.

What I want to be able to do is have my chance to be heard, to expose it all for what it really is. I want that so badly, but you know what I have been told now that my ex attorney NEVER told me? If I lose the opposing side could turn everything on me and sue me to where I could lose everything I own. That really brings "blame the victim" to an all time high to me.

When I look back on my past, it is littered with people who were doing bad things, wrong things, and were even very negligent, and I stood up to that constantly, and they all chose to "blame me" for their faults, every single one of them. In my file is a police report of a farmer who sells hay that called me, told me I better shut up and stop telling people to look for a poisonous plant in their hay because it is a horrible death for a horse. He had that plant/weed growing in his fields, and it was spreading and in his hay. He did not want people to KNOW that it was dangerous and could make not only their horses very sick but any animal they fed it to. He did not want to have to bother spraying his fields to get rid of that plant, he wanted people to remain dumb and buy his hay, even when it was so dangerous to feed the horses and animals these people LOVED. He threatened to come to my house and beat me up, can you imagine? How is it MY FAULT that his hay is poisonous to feed? I had experienced how horrible it is for a horse/pony who consumes this plant that dries up and breaks apart in the hay making the hay very toxic. Every part of that plant is toxic and gets even more toxic as it dries out. When a horse or any animal consumes the pieces of this plant that is in the hay it is A HORRIBLE DEATH. How am I a bad person for informing other people about this? How is it my fault if people see the plant in his hay and do not buy it? Who is the bad person, this farmer who doesn't want to sell clean hay or take the time to tend his fields and doesn't want his customers to pay attention, or is it my fault for ACTUALLY CARING about the animals that could die a horrible death and their owners not realizing they could have prevented that?

I could go on and on here. I am not the kind of person who can just turn a blind eye, I am just not made that way. Yes, I was the only one who chose to report child neglect when others chose to ignore it, yes when I saw my socialite neighbor badly neglecting her horses, leaving them out in the extreme heat with no water I could not ignore it, others came to me both times afraid to say something YET I STOOD UP. People wanted to sell hay and PRETEND not to notice that plant, I COULD NOT DO THAT. Yes, I pounded the pavement and spread the word and even wrote an article anonymously. It took several years but FINALLY the farmers are out there FINALLY spraying their fields to provide clean hay. And YES, they hate me, know who I am too, and they BLAME ME for their inconvenience now. They did not want to see how inconvenient it is to the person who has to go through seeing their horse die a horrible death.

My neighbor wants to blame me too, he doesn't want to see how much I lost because of his negligence. His insurance company lawyers only want to find a way to get out of paying for something that happened because of their clients negligence. I suffer from PTSD and that was my fault too, that is exactly how I was treated too, and I have a record of that too sadly. My ex attorney was mentally declining and failing me, I tried to reach out for help and NO ONE WANTED TO SEE THAT EITHER, yet the firm he was partner in dismantled because THEY SAW IT AND DID NOT WANT TO BE HELD LIABLE for it. Oh, he was really good at it, had quiet the reputation, and he did notice he was declining but tried to fight it anyway. Yes, they felt SORRY for him, distanced from him, BUT I WAS LEFT TRAPPED WITH HIM. And try to find a malpractice attorney for that too, well, that is
also VERY HARD too.

Seven years is a long time, yesterday I had my farrier come who was here
and listened to me as I struggled through all that damage. He is sadly going through a divorce, and he said, OE, that was so long ago, I can't remember it all. The truth is, people do not remember unless they are directly affected by something, they just don't. My ex attorney should have gotten statements years ago when everyone did remember too. The opposing side already knows that "time is their best friend", and they do take advantage of that too.

Well Mowtown, this thread definitely hits home with me BIG TIME, because
I want to write letters too. Yet, I am beyond that, I want these different individuals in a big room where I can point at them and show their true
colors. I want to "shame" them because of how they have chosen to hurt
others just so they can continue on in DENIAL. I did not lie, cheat, steal or abuse others, and I am tired of being BLAMED and HURT. I know this is a long post, well, the title just hit a big part of me that I have been trying so hard to let out in so many ways for so very long now.


OE

[MotownJohnny]

OE, I'm so sorry this thread comes at a time when real world events are also coming to a head in a way (and yet dragging on endlessly for you, in another sense). I guess I hope it helps you just to get things out. I know we share something in common, we both write in great detail about our experiences - I do it because I find it cathartic. It does seem that life is arbitrary, and far too often, it is a world where "kick them while they are down" and "punish the victim" seem to be the rules of the game. And yes, any litigation brings out the absolute worst in people, and you often see their true nature and learn just who your true friends are. Sorry again you are going through all of this.

Mania - now there is an interest concept, and something that is really misdiagnosed in PTSD victims I think. It certainly was with me. After the workplace incident that precipitated my emotional collapse, I could not sleep at all to speak of, I was able at most to sleep 1 to 2 hours every other night out of sheer exhaustion. But otherwise, I was walking around town all night every night in a state of terror/panic/extreme anxiety. And I was crying all of the time, and throwing up all of the time, etc. I have shared all of this so many times on here it must sound like a broken record. And, by the time I went to see "the quack" I had thoroughly trashed my feet to the point of having them openly blistered, bleeding, and a real mess. Yet, I walked through the pain by downing massive handfuls of otc painkillers, naproxen and ibuprofen, like 10-20 pills at a time every 3-4-5 hours. Of course, that all contributed to the nausea, etc, so it was a vicious cycle. And, I walked and did all of this because I was so upset I couldn't NOT do it. And, one of the things I stressed to "the quack" was that I was walking around, crying, throwing up in people's bushes along the road, having panic attacks. Her interpretation was that I was manic. Yet, that was also the very thing my therapist picked out of my entire narrative when consulting with her supervising PhD psychologist, and her statement to me when I asked her WHY she came up with PTSD instead of bipolar was (this is verbatim) "Mania is never based in fear". IOW, it looked like mania in the sense of the high physical energy, but instead of the manic "high", the euphorbic feeling mania suffers are said to have, I was in a state of absolute despair and anxiety. And, then, "the quack's" pronouncement and "sentence" just pushed me completely off the deep end and made things a million times worse, because as you know, I went there thinking I was going to get help, and left there feeling like a criminal being sent to jail.

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown)), honestly, it doesn't matter how often you tell your story, remember new members come and read all the time, and so do visitors, so it's ok to tell your story and at the same time gain a release as you do so, PTSD drives us to speak up and talk, it's ok because we are actually designed to be that way.

What you described also happened to me too, I got so I could not sleep, was very nauseous too. That is why I finally crashed and thought I was having a nervous break down. I didn't have blisters on my feet, instead I had planter's facitus in both feet and got so I could barely walk. All I know is I was overwhelmed with anger and grief and my brain didn't know what to do about it.

Yes, you are right, it is not "mania" at all you were misdiagnosed. I am glad you found the right professional that could straighten that out for you too. I really think it is important for PTSD sufferers to know because as I mentioned, I see several that are diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar, and I honestly think many are being misdiagnosed. It is worth getting another opinion and doing more research on it, it is better than thinking you are struggling with something you are "not" too.

OE

[Teacake]

Dont do it . Dont scathe the doc, johnny. He will just file Your letter in his crank file and if hes murdered it will haunt you. And he wont be scathed at all. He is well defended. He will just laugh and think you are deranged.

Like I do when borderlines tell me they need to shower after being on my thread. Because its funny when deranged people wind up and go!

Instead tell us what an *** he was so we can laugh at him and if he gets murdered the evidence will show us laughing with you, because docko was a goof, not you seething alone biting Your pencil in a rage like a lunatic.

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, the best way to do it is to have information that you have gained, including how you have had another professional admit that you have been misdiagnosed included in your letter.

You will not really make a gain if your letter is written in a "scathing angry tone" either. All that will do is put your mental health into question again as that is how these professionals tend to protect themselves, and that is how, as you now know, most people defend their wrongs or mistakes.

So, you have to be "smart" and make sure you don't get over emotional
if you make that effort to point out the error made.

I actually wrote a letter myself to a psychiatrist that I felt and still feel
misdiagnosed me. As I mentioned I even met with him and that is all now
a part of my medical file. I feel that I at least "in writing" questioned him,
and if or when I gain more "evidence" that he was wrong, I now have
a paper trail to add to.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

Ah, it probably "ain't never gonna happen nohow noway" as a now-deceased neighbor of mine from TN used to say all of the time.

Surely, mental health is one of Dante's Seven Circles of Hell, and if it's not, it ought to be. What a f'ed up system this is - the act of "seeking help" in a "responsible manner" is sufficient in and of itself to 1) diminish your legal rights; 2) reduce you to "something less" in the eyes of society; 3) subject you to discrimination and ridicule; 4) leave you and others questioning your every action and reaction; 5) generally f up your life.

It's ok, I'm on to my newest thing, which is trying NOT to be a basket case over the loss of a relationship I have come to really count on. My main PT is leaving in about 6 weeks. Which is a big thing to me in a couple of ways, because 1) I don't need to be a basket case in general; and 2) it would NOT be a very good way to thank the guy who has worked so hard to make me tougher by falling apart on him. He places an emphasis on being resilient, so I just have to be strong and roll with it. But honestly, I haven't been this sad over something for a long time. I guess that is because I invested so much emotionally into this relationship, and I found him someone really easy to talk to, really understanding, and genuinely "there for me" far beyond the bounds of his job description.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are struggling with that, but Mowtown, a friend moving away from where you are doesn't mean he is really moving away from "your life". You may not have him the way you are used to, however, you can still connect with him, and you may even get to go and visit him when he gets settled in where ever he is relocating to. He is "still" your friend and you can keep contact with him to see how he is doing where ever he is relocating to. AND, you never know, he may have something new to share with you that may bring some direction to your life in a way you just don't see right now.

So keep an open mind ok?

[Teacake]

Dantes's Circle of Mental Health made me laugh.