A few relatively good days

Is it the phase of the moon? The Gods smiling on me? Dumb luck? Something in the avocado I ate last Saturday altered my brain chemistry?

All jokes aside, the "roller coaster" nature of this is disconcerting, because it leads to an uncomfortable level of uncertainty. In one sense, yes, it is logical to expect "triggering" - but on the other hand, I personally find it strange that something which will really bother me one day is almost "harmless" to me another day.

Case in point, I associate 2012 with certain music - artists and songs I listened to during that period for support, for diversion, and especially to find meaning in the events.

One of them was Green Day. I listened to a WHOLE LOT of Green Day during my darkest days - one reason being that Billy Joe Armstrong writes extensively about mental illness, and has been somewhat open in the media about his own struggles with anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. And, although I listened to all of the albums over and over, I never took any real "comfort" in it, a lot of it was actually reinforcing of the feelings I had at the time of "it's hopeless".

Last week, I had 'Restless Heart Syndrome' from 21st Century Breakdown come up on random shuffle - the worst of the worst emotionally for me in 2012, an entire song about mental illness, which 2 years ago left me in tears every time. And, last week, I was having a crappy week, and it bothered me - gave me the creeps, that "walking on your own grave" kind of feeling. Today while driving, it came up again - and I found myself lip syncing the lyrics as it played, almost completely oblivious to any associations with 2012 - until it was about over, and it dawned on me what I was listening to. Even then, it didn't particularly bother me - the last 4 days have been better for me, I have begun a couple of minor forward-looking new personal projects, which have given me something to think about OTHER THAN the past.

I guess I can sum up what I am trying to say by this - one problem with "this thing" is that is is so unpredictable. It is a stealthy, cunning enemy that plays many tricks. And in doing that, it makes itself harder to fight. The tangle of 10,000 strands.

One of the things that happens with me is, periodically I'll suddenly & for no apparent reason, feel GOOD! I guess I'm kind-of there right now. It's nice when it happens, I guess. But, at the same time, when I suddenly find myself in this place, I look around & see all of the devastation my life has wrought & I think: "oh my god... how did this all happen?" It's sort-of like suddenly finding oneself on top of a hill where one can see for miles after one has been trudging through thick undergrowth for days & days.

Johnny and Skeezyks,
It is good to hear that you both are able to enjoy some good time. It sure helps with all the work along the way and ahead, I know. Enjoy.