Really nervous today, and I have no clue why. But, I found a trauma therapist!

It was extremely hard to resist the temptation NOT to turn into my office complex this morning. One mile down the road is the Interstate. One mile. One mile to one day of some kind of weird freedom. 20 minutes to and through downtown Detroit. An hour twenty total to Ohio. I could have had a late lunch in Kentucky and still been home at dinner time, as if it had never happened. One mile to the on-ramp.

But I didn't. I am really nervous today for some reason. And I honestly don't know why. It's NOT about finding a trauma therapist, I feel really good about that, I think it's what I need if I am going to ever resolve this.

God, I don't feel like doing a bit of real work today. And I know if I did I would feel better. I want to blow this day off all around.

So, I'm sitting here, alone in the office, listening to Eminem and Rihanna on infinite loop - 'The Monster' - what better song for today, a guy trying to come to terms with his demons.

I have an appointment on Friday. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am finding someone, who I think has the potential to really help me.

Today isn't about that. I'm not sure what it is about, other than the big picture of how f'ed up I feel at times. Nothing specific happened, in fact, IRL ("In Real Life") I'm pretty happy about a couple of things, including the fact that I just transitioned per professional recommendation to a new swimming coach, a guy who I think will really be great for me, looking forward to working with him.

But still, I would rather be on my way to Ohio right now.

My old therapist used to call it a mental health day! Just taking the day off because.......I am glad you found someone to see, I hope it works out for ya. Hang in there Motown, Get some work done! Try to have a good day!

Well, half way point of the day. Still really nervous, with the occasional suicidal imagery flashing through my mind, but nothing new and nothing to fear there, I'm pretty at peace with that, recognizing it for what it is, not very much, kind if like minor pain from a knee injury, just a petty symptom.

Mostly I am nervous. Tense. Now working my way through the entire studio discography of the Goo Goo Dolls. Their 2013 album Magnetic is just as good as a couple during their peak popularity in the late 1990s - Dizzy Up The Girl and Gutterflower era. Keep The Car Running from 2013 is a personal favorite for the lines:

Bruised and battered,
Torn and tattered,
Look at me
It doesn't matter
Still got some fight left

Ok, you have some "flight" taking place Mowtown and you can't really pinpoint it. I think that even though you are glad you found a therapist, you still have "anticipation anxiety"
taking place about it. Yes, you are eager to "fix" you, but you are also afraid of it too, something that is a core issue with you. Flight tends to give off a sense of "control" we can't help it, we are designed to be that way so we can "thrive" in a world that has a lot of threats, after all we are really "just animals" even though we have a great deal of intelligence compared to other animals.

I think that once you meet this new therapist and he gains your trust you will calm down.
I think that having therapy on a Friday is good too, that way you will have the weekend to work through any triggers and have some freedom too.

I know it is hard to settle down and accomplish anything when this happens too. Just do your best to help yourself get through this day even though you feel uncomfortable, I know that can be a bit of a challenge, I hear you.

You are gonna be ok, you just have to keep seeing that more and more as you move forward, it takes time (((Mowtown)))). You have really gained a lot, I see it all the time.

(((Calming Hugs))))
OE

I do the same thing, recognizing the crap for what it is....crap, and it doesn't scare me anymore.

Oh, and Goo-goo Dolls. Can't go wrong there. Love the lyrics, too. Evil has tried to destroy me, and if my scars were on the outside instead of the inside, I would be quite hideous, I imagine, but I'll still fight if I have to.

Elton John's "I'm Still Standing" is one I like to listen to when I'm feeling the way you are today.

WW

nevermind

Well, today may be better. I just got in one of my better ever sessions in the pool.

Now the smell of food is driving me nuts - I'm starving. A pesto egg wrap on low carb may be in my near future.

LOL! Now you're making me hungry!