[Teacake]

In 1982 I saw a capable man and wrestler surrounded by cheaply dressed racist white college boys. He looked pretty panicked. I'm glad I was dissociated and thought he was playing.

Same summer I got surrounded by different white rednecks in a parking garage. No o.e got touched. O got rescued but ill tell you standing with a college boxer and a wrestler surrounded by five rednecks in a parking garage isn't real comfortable. Fortunately I was dissociated.

I confess. As a novice martial artist, learning no contact sport karate, I wasn't very fond of being monkey in the middle. It meant being surrounded and attacked on cue by one or two of the circle. I always cheated by identifying the ones sempai was most likely to choose to attack me and deciding to attack one of them no matter who attacked me. It worked well enough. I always felt anxiety about that scenario though.

In the late nineties my ptsd dad had a stroke. I had to grapple for real so no one got hit or hurt. It wore me down and cost me plenty.

Around that time I tried to get help from everyone including county mental health services and the police. One day ptsd dad was trying ro pull me into the house as I was trying to escape. Along comes Barney Fife, officer of the law, because I'd called for a civil assist. Barney is fluttering his hand over his sidearm scaring me bad, because I knew if he drew daddy would jump at him because that's what you do and he'd shoot daddy because that's also what you do. So I had to spring first and hope he'd hesitate to shoot a woman and control his weapon. I knew how. I just had to be fast. I'm glad I was dissociated from all that.

---

So recently, in sunny Colorado, through no fault of my own, I got surrounded by two cops and some nasty little nurses and techs and a charge nurse known as "that dried up old cnut" by the local dyslexics.

I swallowed more pills than a responsible pimp would give me, not that I've ever known an actual pimp, but you know what I mean. I still remember making my body very relaxed and using words to show my contempt, while making sure the one responsible cop had no reason to jump me. I didnt want the creepy one to get to touch me. No one touched me.

The hard part was knowing I could rush reaponsible cop and get control of his weapon away from him. Not get control. But get control away from him. Do you understand? They were hoping to scare me and I was scared of toXic pharaceuticals. I value my brain. I wanted to scare them too and they werent people to me at that moment. I was fighting myself.

I did well. I swallowed the pills then I made myself stay awake and alert as I could be.

Ive gotten lots of "validation" that psychiatric hospitals attract the saddest portion of humanity. It was just sickening how their little rat eyes glittered at the thought of taking down someone's Mom. Makes me wonder what their moms are like. The charge nurse was trying to be intentionally threatening and dramatic. It made me glad for the first time ever that one of my lovers had been tortured in captivity. He was a handsome man. He was smart and strong. Gentle and tender. He loved Charlie Chaplin. Bertoldt Brecht. Its easy to be superior when you know you are attractive and educated intelligent and were raised with money. You can detach from B grade movie scenarios put on by shoddy people and let your sympathy and compassion, your pity for all humanity, control the impulse to fight. But it has to be real pity and compassion. You have to really feel it.

And then you have to let your true compassion co exist with your tolerance of knowing about other peoples lives. Maybe this reflects my childhood more than anything else but I think if I can bear the consciousness of what shti life must be like for those people, I wont unconsciously provoke attack by them.

If im honest with myself, in deep crisis I told strangers about my life as I see it. Rich working class, gifted relatives, cultural enrichment up the wazoo, college of my choice, single stay at home mother, of a dream kid with a dream job and a dream girl with her own dream job, then single washout with an ex who paid for me to live in boulder county no quid for the quo. Ive got the luck of the Irish.

Im ready to stop bellyaching about my trauma. I mean, if I sacrificed a lamb for every healing professional Ive met and thought, "Oh dear, hes more ****ed up than I am and im the one with the noose on" I could feed us all kabob all night long. Thats what I should be thinking about instead of worryong about "omg is it true then that the fat nurse is harmful to her patients". The ones who antagonise the psychologist by announcing their godtedness and materially optomal childhood, yeah. Lucky they dodnt kick in my teeth and say I jumped the gun since my récords say I turned myself in for thinking about it.

And now, since I have flashbacks of being surrounded, I have this opportunity to clean up a lot of trauma. I'm going for moksha.

Maybe this will he a good thread. If I find some dopamine in a back cupboard of my brain.

[glok]

You have had to endure way much, Teacake. I hope the pilgrimage to Moksha is not so harsh.

Be well.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by glok

You have had to endure way much, Teacake. I hope the pilgrimage to Moksha is not so harsh.

Be well.

I like that. pilgrimage to moksha. Being a shiksa I shall travel by rickshaw to moksha.

Wasting away in bodhichittaville.

[Open Eyes]

"And now, since I have flashbacks of being surrounded, I have this opportunity to clean up a lot of trauma." quote Teacake

This seems to be a "theme" to your "trauma" and the signs that signal you to "fight,fight,freeze".

What I have read of what you have shared, your root has been that of being misunderstood from an early age. The way you talk about your past begins with being surrounded by people who have somehow made you feel inadequate. It doesn't matter whether a child grows up in a wealthy home or a very modest home either, a child is the center of the universe, the universe revolves around them, that is just how they see things. So the messages they get from the universe that surrounds them really sets down roots about how comfortable a child feels in that universe around him/her. And when a child is very young adults in their universe are very big and ominous. The faces the mother makes around them are a huge foundation of "tells" that a child begins to hardwire about how "safe" their universe is and even if they can be happy with it and motivated to interact with it too. If you were to think of it as "faces being planets" it is important that at least "some" planets send friendly messages. Our planet revolves around the sun and that sun provides enough warmth so this planet can "grow and thrive and support life". So much around our planet in the universe is "cold" and our planet really depends on the warmth of this sun to keep it warm, so it is the same not only with a child but many living things, especially mammals and even birds. The more complex a brain is, the more that living thing requires nurturing. When there is more there than what is considered the very basics as in reptilian brains, the social part and the emotional parts become part of how that mammel connects with the universe that animal is the center of. What is interesting is the more that is there as is the case in mammels, the more these animals are also receptive to "touch" and learning how touching also has it's way of showing how friendly the universe can be too.

A human child doesn't know the difference between a Mansion and an apartment or even a tent or hut. What a human child focuses on the most at first is "faces and touches". Most people don't really remember very much about their environment when they were really little, what they remember the most is the faces that are in that beginning of the universe that revolves around them. But also the touch and the warmth they receive too. Human beings take that in even before they discover their own bodies.

Teacake, one of the things that really troubles me is when I read the challenges taking place in the relationship forum. I read about women that are struggling in relationships and are consumed with that and they talk so little about their children. I had some big challenges myself when it came to my relationship with my husband. However, I was very, very aware/congnisant of what was important in my daughter's world and made sure that I kept that separate and "safe". The other thing I did was I made sure I included my daughter in places where she had many positive faces around her that kept inviting her to thrive in the universe around her. I noticed how a lot of mothers don't realize how "important" this is. It is as though many mothers seem to think their child is already born with an identity and their only job is to make sure that identity is kept in line somehow. Change it, feed it and put it over there until you change it and feed it again. And what has been happening way too much with women having careers is change it feed it and drop it off at day care. Did you ever see a day care? Well, there is a lot of "change it feed it, set it down for a nap and put it over there so I can change and feed the next one. Some of the worst situations is actually coming from "mansions" when it comes to that kind of "child environment".

So, what I hear from you is a grieving and also struggling with the people in the universe that developed long before you were consciously aware like you are now. It doesn't matter what you look like or how much wealth or "luck" you have had either. And what I hear from you constantly is how "intimidated" you have been by people surrounding you.
Intimidation doesn't always equate to a reaction of shrinking in fear either, actually it can be quite the opposite. This can be even further complicated if a child has some kind of learning disability. A learning disablity doesn't mean "low IQ", all it means is a child is more challenged when it comes to processing the information that is presented to them when they get into an educational environment. When a child has ADD/ADHD for example, it doesn't mean that child can't learn, actually what it means is more attention needs to be taken in how that child does learn. That is what I learned about my older brother. That is also what you kept in mind when you were raising your son too. That is why your son is doing so well now and also was able to find a match that complements him with that too. However, what I still see is while you are proud of him, he is another person in your universe that doesn't understand you.

When you talk about the people you "were" able to connect with anyone with a true understanding of "human psychology" would be able to understand "why". You keep talking about a young woman who has connected more with people from a different side of the tracks so to speak, well, psychologically speaking they were not all that much "different" than you, the only thing that "was" different is "geography".

One of the things I noticed can happen is a certain kind of "unwelcoming universe" can lead to a person who often becomes quite educated and well read and even sometimes very successful too. But it can also lead to a person who never really connects to the "societal" universe in a way that person feels comfortable and at home. This is very obvious with you because of what you are able to see in the other patients you interact with in Mental Heath treatment facilities. Personally, I think you get more of a sense of comfort when you are around these people than being around the staff that is treating these people. You are able to observe others who are struggling and see way more than people who are making an effort to treat these people, many of whom are so very challenged and confused and because they can't find a balance get scared and question the value of the universe they can't seem to find a place of comfort in. You know a lot about that and often consider yourself the "alpha" when it comes to that too. It took me a while to understand what you mean by "the little people". Yet, these very same little people also "intimdate you" and even frustrate and anger you too. Surely there has to be someone that has some ability amongst this caos of "people who struggle and the little people that just don't see it that hover over them".

Well, unfortunately these places just don't have time for that Teacake. Most of these places are only set up to stablize and move along. And for quite some time most of these places consisted of staff that did not even know how to identify "trauma patients" either.
That is what my T has explained to me and what is also reflected in my medical records too. Unfortunately that is not a convenient time for a trauma patient to learn that either.
A trauma patient is in "hyper aware" and often the last thing a tauma patient wants when in an environment that is "not receptive and calming" is to have "drugs" shoved at them that can render them even more defenseless and confused. A trauma patient presents in fear and confusion and a great need to talk about whatever traumatized them and it is crucial that the trauma patient feels "safe" and is not treated like their need is "insignificant" or "wrong" or even "unbelievable".

The reason you have needed to talk about your history, is not to retraumatize you, but so that you become aware of the "root" of whatever created a hole of some kind in you that led to your specific challenges that create stress in you. A lot of times a patient knows but doesn't know and they need a presence that can help them bridge that gap. That presence for someone who struggles with PTSD and especially what is called complex PTSD, is "the rescuer".

I happened to read a post where a person talked about the kind of therapist they would like to have. They discribed him as someone very "evil and the ultimate bad guy". I thought, wow, that is different, I wonder why. And then I realized that what that person wanted to really have is a way to learn how to "win in a dual with that evil entity". So, what that person really needs is a therapist who understands that "need" and can help that patient finally understand "why they want that ultimate dual" to take place.

My father "failed" as a father with my older brother. My father failed because he did reach out for help from someone who he thought would know what to do, and unfortuantely he was told "dicipline, dicipline, make him". What I saw was my brother being taken to a shed and the door closing and my brother screaming. Then I saw my brother come out weeping and hurting and my father coming out after him very upset too, but in an upset triggered way. Honestly, I felt that it was just as upsetting for my father as it was for my older brother.

Years later after my brother moved out and was on his own, I went out with my father in my father's boat. I had gotten to know my father in a way that no one else had and I knew how to get my father "talking". Society was learning more about children with learning disabilities and also changing how "challenged children" were being treated too.
The conversation went to my older brother and a rarity happened and my father began to weep with "regret". My father talked about the things he "should have" done for my brother but did not and how very much he felt he had failed him as a father.

It was so hard for me to see him struggle and I sure knew how my older brother struggled too. I told my father that he could not go back and change anything and that "yes" there were wounds in my brother that my father had put there, but he had followed bad advice too. I told him that all he "can" do is know that my older brother would have a need to keep coming back and that he had to make sure he "validated and appologized" to my older brother. I told him that my older brother would most likely not accept that and need to vent anger and resentments and that my father would have to "allow" him to vent and keep "validating" whatever needed to be vented from my older brother. I told him that it was going to be hard and may provoke anger, however, he had to stay steadfast with "validations" even though it can "hurt" to do so. Also, he had to constantly tell my older brother how proud he was, because my older brother had made it a point to be more successful than my father and make more money and also needed to belittle my father too. I told my father to be understanding of that too and no matter what, keep offering validation and "I am so proud of you" and "I love you" and I am sorry for whatever hurt I caused you and I take responsiblity for that too. I told my father that he would have to do that as long as he lived and that my brother would keep coming back with these needs and he had to keep "giving" and "accepting". My father is old now and my brother still needs to keep checking in even now and I hope my father is still able to "validate" as needed. I think that entire scenario is "sad", it is sad that it even has to take place "for the both of them".

I wish my brother had seen how my mother wept and struggled and hated the advice that psychiatrist had given her and my father. My brother is a bit estranged from her and I think that is sad because she "did really love him, wanted to love him and greatly struggled with being told "not to".

It is sad how so many people struggle simply because they just don't learn about the needs of a child and their important part in that growing childs "universe".

OE