[Teacake]

I turned myself again. I went to a place called The Bridge in Littleton Colorado. For speaking my mine about. Fat nurse, lying or really inattentive doctor and a dvmb cuvt of a psychologist whose idea trauma therapy Is to build an imaginary shield around myself.

I got surrounded by two police officers, the fat nurse a.d miscelleneous little asshole who seemed very excited by the prospect of taking me down and injecting me if I didnt swallow a
quadruple dose of ffa activan a.d yprexa. All theater. All to show me whose boss.

I get it. There is no medical trea5ment for ptsd.

I'm on my own. I'm smarter ans more sensible than t e "trained professionals".. I have more skills than they do. Jive found a practitioner on town (Longmont) who seems to know aBout add and ptsd. The combination os a doozy. Add perimenopause and high histamine and ITA a whole lot of fun. But im done with conve.tío.al psychiatry forever. Except when I need adderall.

This was a terrible experience. The only good that came out t was havi.g someone else Cook for me and someone to play xbox with. And I met an old doper named Mike. Being forces to take a quadruple dose of Henao (im a lightweight) was just humiliating. Intentionally degrading. Powwrmongering.

So typi.g in the cab Is.t working ourt al well.

I cM treat myself. Aint no help for this from weatern medicine. Remember, a srate thT repeaoies upi. Torture trauma terror will never promote. Real cure.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, unfortunately a lot of these facilities are pretty much designed to just stabilize and that is it. Our Mental Health Care system is broken and overwhelmed in many states. The psych ward I went to was pretty much mostly about stablizing through drug treatment and moving patients along. I met patients on 5 different medications and yet adding another one to that list and they were wandering around confused. My T explained to me how inadequate many of the psych wards are at identifying and treating trauma or post traumatic stress patients too. The staff gets overwhelmed and often becomes "insensitive" too. The problem has long been proper funding and unfortunately finding talented "knowing" individuals willing to work in these places is hard too. People who are "talented" often do not stay or work in these places but instead have private practices. Often the psychiatrists are brought in from other countries too, as there are actually "less" going into that field here in the states. Unfortunately, when that happens often these shipped in psychiatrists are not "culturally" sensitive and can "misdiagnose" patients as was the case with me that my therapist explained to me. It is not easy to remove said psychiatrists either because of how replacing them is very hard to do.

It will do you no good going to one of these facilities in a combative state of mind either, that is why you got so heavily drugged. It will do you no good feeding into anger about this problem either, "it's just broken" and those who "are" there are just doing whatever they can to make whatever "is" there managable. There "are" better places than others, however it is well known that the system is "inadequate" and that it isn't going to get fixed all too soon either.

Sorry you are struggling right now Teacake.

[Teacake]

I am home now. All I did in hospital was loosen my hams and calves and shoulders and let someone else cook.for me. And learn how to play on the x Box. And talk to an old doper. I learned a little about how really real it Is that a little arousal colors us with hyperarousal. The doper who was a very sweet man, and some girls.and I played an xbox game. Later in the day the doper (you know they've all got trauma) .and I were .alternating angry hostity and weepiness. And silliness. The trained professionals dont see a pattern. I did. I explained it to him. He was telling me all about the long ago bad because sed arietes it up by being playful.

The trained professionals responded to me by bringing the police to make me swallow innocuous meds. I'm not afraid of the mock down room. It had better lighting an# flooring.g than the rest. Im not afraid of the police. I trained with police. I not afraid of benzos.and o.e dose of an antipsychotic wont make me fat.

I dont like the way people get treated.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Teacake, unfortunately a lot of these facilities are pretty much designed to just stabilize and that is it. Our Mental Health Care system is broken and overwhelmed in many states. The psych ward I went to was pretty much mostly about stablizing through drug treatment and moving patients along. I met patients on 5 different medications and yet adding another one to that list and they were wandering around confused. My T explained to me how inadequate many of the psych wards are at identifying and treating trauma or post traumatic stress patients too. The staff gets overwhelmed and often becomes "insensitive" too. The problem has long been proper funding and unfortunately finding talented "knowing" individuals willing to work in these places is hard too. People who are "talented" often do not stay or work in these places but instead have private practices. Often the psychiatrists are brought in from other countries too, as there are actually "less" going into that field here in the states. Unfortunately, when that happens often these shipped in psychiatrists are not "culturally" sensitive and can "misdiagnose" patients as was the case with me that my therapist explained to me. It is not easy to remove said psychiatrists either because of how replacing them is very hard to do.
Lo
It will do you no good going to one of these facilities in a combative state of mind either, that is why you got so heavily drugged. It will do you no good feeding into anger about this problem either, "it's just broken" and those who "are" there are just doing whatever they can to make whatever "is" there managable. There "are" better places than others, however it is well known that the system is "inadequate" and that it isn't going to get fixed all too soon either.

Sorry you are struggling right now Teacake.

Thank you óe

All I needed was someone to tell me not only Is prozac Blocking dopamine but blocked dopamine means lesa control over norepinephrine. Tell me not to take amphetamine, tell me how to flush out prozac, tell mewhen to resume emphetamine. Tell.me how to love with ptsdand my other deal. Tell me hoe addand ptsd interact. Tell me what I need to onow to be safe in ptsd body made worse by Prozac.

Instead, swear to dogs I got persecuted for being better with patients than they were. Staff went whispering about to patients staying to stay away from me because I was negative. All that did was being them to me saying what staff said and solidifying a patient against staff mentality. I went out of my way to the harm staff did to the milieu, just telling patients positive things about staff members. Always saying "this is a very
nice place."

It was funny, being drugged, and going into the twelve year old place. I am twelve. Daddy is bei.g provocative before guests, I.laws who don't have an elegant house like our new one. He stretches his long legs and arms and says, Teak, pour me a whiskey would ya? The silent gasp. Children pouring whiskey. Oh my. I am annoyed. I am twelve, the age of great annoyance. I fill his tumbler and hand it to him. Daddy is being a prick. He let's me walk away and calls me back. Obediently I trot back. I like dad. Even when he's a pirick he's fun. He tells me I've poured too much. I've poured three drinks. He couldn't drink ther much whiskey he'd get drunk. He laughs. He shows me that a shot is a finger. He measures wout where I should have filled the glass. I take it from him, look at it appraolisingly, hold it up to the light. Everyone is very interested. I hold it out at eye level. Squint. Sip off precisely two thirds in one gulp and hand it back. Here dad, I wouldn't want you to get drunk. Perfect deadpan. The look on his face is priceless. He is built like **** van dyke. He does full body startle. The mood is broken. The adults are cracking up, and they are on my side without being against dad. All night I am drunk as a skunk, but ntpo proud to show it. One by one the women ask discretely if I need to be sick or sleep, assuring me there is no shame if I do. The boys tell me their dad would knock them across the house if they did that. They think it was pretty ballsy.

So at fifty I sat stoned on the edge of the isolation bed with the door open insisting my son be notified that I was drugged against my will and asking if anyone wants to bring the chess ser to the edge of the isolation room since I have the right not to be socially isolated.

Remember that this bout of ptsd crap opened with vicarious trauma. My good friend had been knocked around in Evin. Here I am in Littleton, Colorado, in the closest approximation I would dare. I've never been to jail. Never been arrested. I've been terrified since the eighties ever since my friend told me about political prison. It all gets mixed up. Since Prozac robbed my dopamine. It's all mixed up. Being drugged and needing to show that I find it pleasant and that I'm not really isolated in isolation.

You know, a young woman got upset and cried. It triggered her to see me surrounded. The flying monkeys were all excited. They don't play sports I guess. This was their fun, to circle me, a Montessori mom, Suzuki mom, Quaker college alum. And I am pissing in the co.test too, I've got the bigger cock, I'm telling this one shame on him and does he know the suicide rates for ptsd and that I think his partner is having too much fu. Thinking about touching me. Have to drink it down and be cooler than anyone. And it traumatised a sensitive young mom. Shame on them.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, what you are talking about is what "you" are seeing, not what these people are seeing. None of these people have "any idea" what you are all about, all they see is a person who is very aggitated/angry/and combative. Plus, they see these "kinds" of behaviors take place all the time and some of these cases have been dangerous and sometimes distructive and even very suicidal or very psychotic. And you wait until you get so bad that it frightens you and then you go to these places and they never fail to trigger you to where you "get angry".

You are very challenged right now because you are menopausal, "may have ADD or ADHD" and you are also struggling with PTSD. That is a lot of "chemistry" going on in you. If you were to just treat ADD/ADHD that would be a stimulant, however, a stimulant would aggrivate the PTSD and bring on more "hyper aware", and with the ADD/ADHD the dopamine levels are challenged. Then you are dealing with how your estrogen levels are changing on top of that. You "may" get more understanding from a gynocologist, maybe depending on how informed he/she is. The other thing you are dealing with is you just turned 50?, Well, mid life crisis is real, UNFORTUNATELY.

It used to be that people actually got more attention, even though not as much was "known". It is not like that now, it is more of a production line at these places that deal with people in "crisis" the way you were. Yes, you will know more about "you" then these others will, yes, what they will respond to the most is your behavior and how agressive you appear to them. And you are not the first patient that appeared on the scene who is a know it all either, often they consider these patients even more of a threat. And "yes" patients like you are going to be put in isolation too and given a drug to make them calm down too. And it wont matter what you babble about Prozac and how you are lacking in whatever you say you are lacking in, you are simply going to be considered a "problem" patient that is possibly psychotic. It is not unusual for a patient to present with "I know so much" either, I met a patient like that and he believed he was "Jesus Christ" and he was quite convincing. And forget about your being able to identify things in other patients because they actually do see that quite a bit too. And they are not even going to see how a person with your history is actually capable of being "culturally sensitive" either.

Teacake, you are seeing how "broken" the Mental Health treatment facilities really are and I have experienced that problem myself and I actually do have it all in writing and I am fortunate that I finally found someone "of knowledge" that has validated the way I was "not" helped and even "why" in spite of the clear red flags I expressed, I was misdiagnosed and misunderstood, which actually lead to me being traumatized on top of already being traumatized. Sadly, your own son is not going to understand either because you gave him what you did not have so in that alone he will not really understand what happens psychologically when "needs are not met". Oh, it's just one big circus out there now isn't it?

Teacake, you have taken time out to "learn" a lot about "your" challenges and how to treat "your" specific challenges and you are very "aware" of your specific challenges along with different approaches to address "your" challenges. You are looking for an entity that can understand that, sit with you and have the knowledge to help you untangle this complex challenge you have "now". That is a rarity in our Mental Health system right now, and honestly even if you did have the money to pay for it, there is really no guaruntee you would get what you are looking for that way either. The therapist I have, I did not find on the net, I found him through word of mouth from a professional in the field that was involved with treating PTSD patients that are primariliy veterans. How that connection came to be revolved around "alcholism" through the different individuals that are challenged in that whole area of Mental Health issues. And that whole area of individuals are individuals that struggled so much "like you" yet self medicated with alcohol and stimulants. And many of these individuals, like you, struggled with ADD/ADHD and were misunderstood by society and family and even developed PTSD along the way and ended up going down the self medicating road of alcoholism and drug addictions to stimulants like cocaine/marijuana/alcohol/speed and drugs that helped them with the inbalance in their brain chemistry that was misunderstood and led to them experiencing severe self esteem issues. You actually talked about that when you discribed the older man you met that was a "dope head" and you could see through that to the fact that he had probably been originally a "victim of trauma". AND, you actually do realize there is a lot more "trauma" taking place in humanity that is not being "recognized" too. You see this all the time because you know it "first hand".

Finding the "right" medication is a challenge even for the people who are supposed to know how to prescribe medications in an effort to treat different challenges. And these individuals are not going to necessarily understand the affects from your POV either. To know, to really know, is "experiencing first hand".

OE

[Teacake]

This is a nightmare. I am dissociative. I spent the night in ER because I was having flashbacks and I was afraid. This is as bad as my symptoms have ever been.

Charlie on the crisis line told me I'm just dissociating. I think he is right.

I was retraumatised by being surrounded, and threatened withbeing taken down ans injected f I didn't swallow the pills. I was surrounded by two police officers and perhaps five nurses and techs. This was a punitive action, not a medical action. I was told by Megan the charge nurse that she called the police because I had called 911. That would make it a punitive action.

I called the police because I wanted to document that I was there against my will. Hold or no hold I had a right to be seen by the police and say I wished to be moved to a different facility.

I suppose I have a right to be dissociative. I'm still kind of embarrassed by it.

I don't know whether to call the Littleton police to verify that they received a 911.call or to call the client advocate or both. I've left messages with son to do both.

I recall taunting the little techs by saying that 911 call sure didn't sound right, boy would someone be in trouble if someone impersonated the police. I guess they showed me.

I can't stand to see the abuse of power, over anyone, by anyone.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, in my last post I thought you meant ADD, you may have ment AD's (antidepressants). I was thinking ADD (attention deficit disorder) because of how at first you struggled in school. ADD has nothing to do with lack of "intellect/IQ". That would not have been understood way back when you were in school.

[MotownJohnny]

Teacake, you have mentioned several times that it is worse for you in the summer, because of anniversary dates, and in particular, I think you said in August. After the summer passes, do you think that it will be easier for you, will your symptoms ease off?

You have been really struggling, and it's hard to think of you being put into that situation. I think it's a travesty that people who are already in crisis and suffering from TRAUMA are further traumatized by the way they are mistreated under the guise of "care".

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Teacake, you have mentioned several times that it is worse for you in the summer, because of anniversary dates, and in particular, I think you said in August. After the summer passes, do you think that it will be easier for you, will your symptoms ease off?

You have been really struggling, and it's hard to think of you being put into that situation. I think it's a travesty that people who are already in crisis and suffering from TRAUMA are further traumatized by the way they are mistreated under the guise of "care".

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Teacake, you have mentioned several times that it is worse for you in the skummer, because of anniversary dates, and in particular, I think you said in August. After the summer passes, do you think that it will be easier for you, will your symptoms ease off?

You have been really struggling, and it's hard to think of you being put into that situation. I think it's a travesty that people who are already in crisis and suffering from TRAUMA are further traumatized by the way they are mistreated under the guise of "care".

I dont know, Johnny. Last year this time I was bouncing between thoughts of suicide and the conviction that TRE was the answer to trauma. Now Im just retraumatosed every time i turn around.

It Is appalling that I got retraumatised by a charge nurse in acute care. Im going to follow ip on this. If it can happen to me what happens to people who cant stand up for themselves? People who are delusional or developmentally or I.tellectually disabled? Im pretty tough for someone so sensitive and I went into freeze mode a few times. That charge nurse could have killed me or someone better than me.

Thank you for caring, Johnny. It means a lot to me.

[MotownJohnny]

I worry about you and all of the regulars here, because I have come to feel like we are a little family here of sorts. It is hard that we all hurt, but especially hard when it is something like your situation.

[JaneC]

I think it is a testament to yourself Teacake, that even in the midst of your intense pain and struggles right now..... you are thinking about advocating and following through on poor behaviour by professionals so that others who may find themselves in a similar situation aren't treated similarly.

I do hope things even out soon for you, I am sorry that you have been struggling so much and for too long.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Teacake, unfortunately a lot of these facilities are pretty much designed to just stabilize and that is it. Our Mental Health Care system is broken and overwhelmed in many states. The psych ward I went to was pretty much mostly about stablizing through drug treatment and moving patients along. I met patients on 5 different medications and yet adding another one to that list and they were wandering around confused. My T explained to me how inadequate many of the psych wards are at identifying and treating trauma or post traumatic stress patients too. The staff gets overwhelmed and often becomes "insensitive" too. The problem has long been proper funding and unfortunately finding talented "knowing" individuals willing to work in these places is hard too. People who are "talented" often do not stay or work in these places but instead have private practices. Often the psychiatrists are brought in from other countries too, as there are actually "less" going into that field here in the states. Unfortunately, when that happens often these shipped in psychiatrists are not "culturally" sensitive and can "misdiagnose" patients as was the case with me that my therapist explained to me. It is not easy to remove said psychiatrists either because of how replacing them is very hard to do.

It will do you no good going to one of these facilities in a combative state of mind either, that is why you got so heavily drugged. It will do you no good feeding into anger about this problem either, "it's just broken" and those who "are" there are just doing whatever they can to make whatever "is" there managable. There "are" better places than others, however it is well known that the system is "inadequate" and that it isn't going to get fixed all too soon either.

Sorry you are struggling right now Teacake.

The nurse hated me because of What I am. I'm intelligent and I am still an attractive woman. I wasnt combative. I was doi.g yoga and nurturing the life force. I was playing x Box with young women and got a mean old man playing with pretty young women and me. We loosened each other up. It happens. I was being a force of good around a wicked ole witch with a body that in retrospect indicates pain and antipsychotics.

You remember that line from the green mile? "he killed them with their love"? The old hag waited until the vet was gone, and punished me for being human to him and punished the beautiful young women for being beautiful and young and lovely by vicariously traumatising them. She had to kill the joy. Shes a wicked witch. Thats how they roll.

In retrospect, I was healing myself and feeling good. I should have hidden it from the crenolated old girl. She saw and she had to smash me down. Like shif has to smell bad.

I wasnt combative. I got playful. I felt love. I was loving. I held the old dudes hand and let him cry a little about his life. We Both did the same pattern. Play. Arousal. Irritability. Rumination and sentimentality. When there were two of us we were strong enough. That lesson alone was worth the suffering.

So was the lesson of when I instinctively dislike a person take heed.

Had a good experience with a stand in doctor in Boulder. Smart, kind, able to reflect back to me that I am controlling in my fearfulness, in a way that I can see it and work with it. I told her three days on GABA doing my thing and if it doesnt work I will take her gabapentin.
Shes a doc in a non profit Corp contracted by the county. Mental health
partners has a monopoly on medicaid providing psychiatrists in boulder county. Private practice psychologists have a hard time getting paid. But there are good doctors in the system. Not all are good but Ive let two very good doctors I trust and quite like.

But I still aint got no dopamine.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

I worry about you and all of the regulars here, because I have come to feel like we are a little family here of sorts. It is hard that we all hurt, but especially hard when it is something like your situation.

When I was a novice martial artist I looked younger than my years and I was pretty. I didn't know a young man who just had to spar me was flirting with me. So i got in the ring.

He whirled me like a dervish. I couldnt get outside to avoid being spun. Very quickly it was obvious this was no Match. I wanted to get one point. Then I didn't care about the point. I wanted to touch him. It was my goal. Then the goal was to come so close he had to flinch away.

About the time the Match should have been called I was completely blind.

People came around. I remember someone asking why I was jabbing wild and a friend said, she cant see. I knew it was ok.

I wanted to hear the others laugh and say, "that came close" to him.
At some point the entire goal was to keep my feet.

I felt my knee graze the floor and pulled up. O kept hearing shes down. No, shes still up. The laughter began to sound like admiration. They stopped giving directions. Someone asked can she hear. The answer was no but look at her form. She keeps her hands up.

I heard the call to end class before the match was called. I tried to get oriented to bow out and the boy just took my elbow and tapped my knees with his foot and supported me as I sank down. It wasn't as far far to the floor as i thought. My vision came back and I saw hed danced me right to our place in the formation.

I last a long time. I dont have a lot of skill but im smart and I keep my feet. Its add and ptsd and high histamine and my conviction of my own superiority. And love.

I flash on three men sometimes. My dad, the asylee, and Sensei. If I disappear from here I am OK. I know I am. We last forever. We go on and on and on. Its a lot of fun, when you you look at it the right way.

I remember I looked at the wet spot on the floor and sensei ebook his head meaning do.t worry about it. I was too proud to collapse. I pulled up hard and pushed my shoulders down to look relaxed. Ballet rawks. I counted three people to say pleasantries to and got in my car. Its the same car I drive today. I began to shake. I grabbed my right wrist with my left hand and sighed relief when I got the key in the ignition. Then I watched my legs go and wondered how i would drive home. I realised I could stop the shaking.

Life would be different if Id read David Bercelis Trauma Releasing Exercises then. But...Ive had so much fun since. And hanging out at psychiatric hospitals with old drug dealers and army nurses and a handsome young man who shot himself under his chin and through how forehead and yet has a better forebrain than mine...

[Open Eyes]

Oh, it sounds like you had a Nurse Hatchet. I wonder if they have surveylance videos in these places now? However, while this nurse may have had an attitude about her, it would be interesting to get "her story". You are right, she is probably a very unhappy person. Hmm, not a doctor, not a therapist, just there to keep patients stable and wait for the doctor to give orders on medications and she is there constantly listening to complaints and she has no authority other than giving medications and keeping order and an eye on things only to report back to an authority figure for instructions as she doesn't have that much "authority" herself. I will bet she sees a lot of stuff take place she doesn't agree with but has had to keep her mouth shut, and take orders.

OE

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh, it sounds like you had a Nurse Hatchet. I wonder if they have surveylance videos in these places now? However, while this nurse may have had an attitude about her, it would be interesting to get "her story". You are right, she is probably a very unhappy person. Hmm, not a doctor, not a therapist, just there to keep patients stable and wait for the doctor to give orders on medications and she is there constantly listening to complaints and she has no authority other than giving medications and keeping order and an eye on things only to report back to an authority figure for instructions as she doesn't have that much "authority" herself. I will bet she sees a lot of stuff take place she doesn't agree with but has had to keep her mouth shut, and take orders.

OE

Ratchet was Raquel Welsh, wasn't she? This woman looked like diabetes 2 on antipsychotics. Round t not the good circulation rosy round of the sensualist who just likes to sample the whole platter. Not a jolly round. This one isnt going home to belly dance and eat a side of ribs in bed with a good man and a fat joint. I see a lot of that kind of comfort fat around town. Pretty woman fat. This one just looked like it hurts to be her. My INITIAL I.stinct was to dispone her. Had I followed it I would have been much more discreet. Withdrawn. Not learned so much.

She didnt offer me meds or suggesti meds or instruct me to take meds. Ptsd with add and a history of heavy drinking. Im easy to entice to take my activan if someone else is cooking and cleaning. . I request half
Doses because one knocks me for a loop. All you ha e to say os tea, honey, doc says you can have an ativan
and Id like to see you relax.
The ativan didnt mellow me either. It just made me intoxicated and floaty. Adisinhibited. . I have a mean mouth and I regret that Fats Ratchet activated it.

[Open Eyes]

Nurse Ratchet, I am pretty sure was the one in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". But she was not fat.

LOL, you are funny in how you discribe this woman, I think that is OK. A little comic relief is good medicine.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Nurse Ratchet, I am pretty sure was the one in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". But she was not fat.

LOL, you are funny in how you discribe this woman, I think that is OK. A little comic relief is good medicine.

Nurse Ratchet was Louise Fletcher. I hate myself for being a ladydog but I think you are right, Its midlife crisis. Second adolescence. We dump and offload to make room for the third stage of life. Defragging or something.

Ive been thinking of Cuckoos Nest a lot lately. The mental health system scares me. Bad. I flash on my old flames, the one who got locked up in Evin and the one whose parents survived the Holocaust. Like what do i need, a flashing neón sign sayig beware totalitarian control?

I cant tell you how many times Ive left a "healing professional" thinking, "dear heavens, shes dingier than I am".

OE, I hope we get a chance to "talk" when im not so self absorbed. You have a lot of insight and a huge amount of true compassion. Sometimes I think I feel compelled to dig at you because you have developed some trait I share but never developed because I was afraid. Some "gold in the shadow" trait. I need to knock that off.

[MotownJohnny]

Teacake, I hope this isn't a weird way to put it, because I know you are struggling emotionally, but I just want you to know I really enjoy the way you describe things, even if they are terrible things. You are good at painting a very colorful picture - I just wish the picture were of happier things in your life - that I guess is my wish for your future, same as mine, better times ahead.

Just wanted to let you know you are good with words.

And yes, isn't it sad when the "professionals" that are so all-important to what you are going through are such idiots. The little, old, foreign doctor I encounted at the hospital was hard to understand, acted like he didn't have a clue who I even was each time he saw me, every other day or so, and was basically completely worthless. I suggested a couple of things to him, based on things the nurse or MSW suggested to me, and it was like he didn't know, didn't care, and couldn't be bothered. What an arse. Just going through the motions for a paycheck was my opinion then and there, and it hasn't altered.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, the mental health system "is" scary Teacake. When you talked about this last visit and how you saw the other patients and even the coldness of that nurse, I have been there myself, different state, different hospital, same type of experience. Yes, I know what you mean about "healing professional" being dingier than you are, I have experienced that myself. Yes, it's pretty sad how when really struggling so much that one reaches out for help only to be "triggered" on top of already struggling, this happens a lot sadly.

I am sure it can be really triggering for you in that from an early age you struggled through no fault of your own and the people who were supposed to know how to nurture and educate you failed you and often left you feeling "inadequate" somehow. I am also sure you can see how this has affected others when you meet them in these places too.
Where the "comfort" can happen is not through the professionals, but by being around others that are also hurting, they have a different language that brings a strange comfort because these people are often the "only" ones that are "compassionate". The odd thing is the patients can often "see each other, they can see IT, while the professionals are often the ones that are "out of touch".

This goes "way back" for me too. This goes way back to my parents taking my older brother to that psychiatrist who's advice was the worst thing for my older brother. Even my therapist is having a hard time wrapping his mind around that horrible advice. From what I have read at least the teachers tried to be sympathetic with you, it left you feeling like they were trying to "pretend" you could learn and you picked up on that and it just made you feel inadequate. You got away easy, for my older brother it was anything "but" easy.

They said little children don't remember very much, oh how wrong that is. I remember not even being able to walk and my older brother had run away yet again and my mother was out looking for him frantically. My older sister had to watch me yet she kept disappearing and I could feel the stress, something was wrong and I crawled to the phone that was on the hallway floor because we didn't have a lot of furniture back then in that big old drafty house. I don't know "how" but I was trying to get help and I ended up getting the operator and I remember asking her, "where is my mommy". I think I remember it because I was very scared and it took so much effort to figure out that phone.

My poor mother, always frantic, always overwhelmed and tired and very lonely. My poor mother who was bound by the societal rules of trying to keep problems behind closed doors, being a mother and having to keep the house clean, make the meals and care for the children and "obey". My parent's did not know, they reached out to someone who was supposed to know and that advice HURT EVERYONE in my family. But the one that saw how bad it was the most "was me". My therapist is amazed I did not end up with multiple personality disorder.

I was looking up ADHD and PTSD last night and OMG, I had so many flashbacks, mini flashbacks of so many pictures hidden in my brain that I did not realize was there the way they are there.

I came across something written from a woman who struggles with ADHD and PTSD and how things went with her husband and what she used to do with him. The way she discribed it is what I have had to deal with "all my life", what her husband had to do is what I had to do for as long as I can remember. When you express some very angry thoughts, I know them, I was always afraid of them too. I had to know how to tell they were coming because I saw them build up in my older brother. I was left "alone" with him too much, I was in his shadow too much and how he was treated was horrible and it was horrible for me to watch it happen every day.

The teachers used to tell my parents that I was very smart but was not paying attention and "applying" myself. My brother stayed back twice and I stayed back once, and all that did was "prolong" the challenge of me always being right there with him, constantly in his shadow. My older sister was four years older, she could not "wait" to get off that bus and get away from my older brother, oh she hated him so much and always resented him. She got her wish, she never stayed back, but me, I was left behind with him and the smallest of three.

The thing about PTSD or "complex PTSD" is how a person can really "feel" that child in them. I can feel how I had such a good natured heart, I was a good child and it is so hard for me to feel that. I cry all the time when I feel that part.

My T told me that I should not have had to play that role of the nurturer I had played with all my family members. But if you were to talk to my older sister, she would say that "she" was the one that had to do that. Yes, the dysfunction did affect her too, but she got away from my older brother, I did not for many years. She always hated him and did not see how badly he was abused like I did. There was so much that happened to me that she was not there to see either.

I was sick "alot" as a child, even almost died of phnemonia. When you talk about histamines etc Teacake, I was constantly battling horrible sinus headaches. They thought it was my eyes and took me to the eye doctor and I was given glasses. I hated the glasses because they drew attention to me, negative attention, and that was the last thing I wanted. I also suffered from stomach aches and severe constipation. For as long as I can remember I had a problem with urinating. I would suddenly have to go, but when that happened I could not move and had to wait for the sensation to subside otherwise I would pee my pants. My family always made fun of me for that and would say I would be "fighting" going to the bathroom, but I was not fighting it, I was working around how I was challenged with it, and I am still like that even now and I am still "picked on" for it. I think it has something to do with growing up stressed out so much, for my older brother it was worse, he wet the bed badly for "years". He was punished for that too and I know it was not his fault, somehow I always knew that because of what I saw him have to live through every day.

Yes, I was sick a lot and it was always "inconvenient" for others, they got so they got angry with me for it, EVEN NOW. I had mono three times, the doctors said that was impossible, I had it so bad one year I was hospitalized and the doctors thought I had leukemia. I missed half a year in high school, had to have a private tutor.

When I began dating my husband, I had it again and could not leave my house so he used to come and spend time with me, I was the last one living at home and had a bedroom made up into a little sitting room with a TV that he would sit with me in. Now that I look back, because I had been so stressed my whole life, my immune system was compromized. At least my older sister was not there to remind me that I was so inconvenient when I was sick.

My older sister can be "mean" when I "need", she has a big "sigh" and says, "Is this about you?", and somewhere along the line I learned I had to try to hold back and not have it be "all about me". I am pretty sure my older sister struggles with "social phobia". When I joined PC certain members would really trigger me and at the time I could not even hear my older sisters voice without having a crippling trigger take place. Every time I would look up that person's challenge it would say, "social phobia". My older sister was beautiful and very talented in her own way, but painfully "shy" in school. She was not like that at home or with me though, instead with me she was very bossy and controlling. Oh, I don't blame her, she had her own challenges, what bothers me is how that affected me though. My mother would always say to me that my older sister was always jealous of me. I could not see it because I always saw her as prettier than me and she was so talented in being able to "make things", she made her clothes and her barbie clothes and can sew up so many things and take throw away things and remake them into something beautiful. When I discribe her as Martha Stewart, believe me, she can put on a presentation atmosphere for a gathering that is always amazing. She organizes to organize and she even organizes people and puts everyone in their own little box with a label on it. However, there is a tremendous amount of "artistic and creative people" in my family tree on both sides. My own talents were "music, writing, painting, singing", but there are also "intellectuals" too in my family tree, also relatives with athletic gifts too.

Well, I can't blame anyone who has struggled, tried to reach out for help, only to be misunderstood and wrongly diagnosed or being angry, yet at the same time "frightened" too. One of the things I try very hard to maintain is a part of myself that trys to keep in mind that the "dysfunction" that was often caused by "ignorance" took place because of how people really did not know how to understand different challenges. Also, just because one can look up and now read about what their challenges mean and some of the whys. That still doesn't mean the professionals out there now really have all that together in the way one would like to experience when reaching out for "help". A professional who is "practicing", is doing just that "practicing" and what that means is they are learning as they work with individuals that have different challenges. Not all of them stay "current" either. So much is being learned now that it's hard to practice and keep up with everything "new" that has been taking place.

When I finally broke and presented with post traumatic stress, oh how I wish I had the right help. It was bad enough that I did struggle and got sick a lot or had periods where I was overwhelmed with the challenges the ADHD person presented to me that has been right next to me and really in my space "all my life". I don't mean to say that in a way that labels them as "bad people" either. I know their challenges are not their fault, I always knew that and I always felt bad for them too. But I am tired of drowning in their wake and then being "punished" for it.

My T asked me, "Do you love your husband?", and I said, yes, I do, but I am also very, very tired now. When I read about the carelessness, wreckless behavior, tendency to turn to alcohol and drugs and how often because of their reckless behaviors often end up in some kind of "trauma" and are more prone to also develop PTSD because of that. Yes, I know that, I lived it and did everything I could to pull my husband "away" from the direction he was taking with it. There is a good chance that he might have ended up in jail or maybe killed in an accident or god knows what if I did not fight back and put my foot down somehow. I kept trying to reach out for help because I did love him and wanted to find a way to "help him", but what I needed to know kept eluding me and then "I" was being blamed, and IT HAS BEEN THAT WAY ALL MY LIFE NOW.

Oh how I tried to explain that when I broke too, I tried to explain what the damage I had to address destroyed. But I was treated like I had no right to be so upset, I was treated like I had no right to value what was there too. I was treated like I was being selfish, SELFISH? All I have ever done is try to help people with problems ALL MY LIFE, I had to basically raise two children, my husband and my daughter and both of them had learning disabilites. My husband has both dyslexia and ADHD, and was an alcholic, and my daughter has dyslexia and had a lot of challenges too, I WAS ONE BUSY LADY with all that challenge.

Now where I live is ONE BIG TRIGGER too because so much TRAUMA took place here.

I also have another big challenge that I have not talked about. My parents who are both very old now 89 and 90 and my older sister has taken over with their care and I tried to help, even though I had PTSD and I was treated "badly" every time I somehow did not follow my sisters "need to control". I went to visit my mother and my mother suffered a stroke in front of me and my older sister "yelled at me and blamed ME, like I caused that stroke". She treated me so badly at the hospital, it traumatized me and I didn't know whether to run or stay or what to do. I am AFRAID to go and be in that house because I already had a flashback in front of my parents and I could not even talk, they thought that I was having a stroke, I did not want to "scare" them like that. Bad things happened in that house to me that "none" of them know about. I wish I did not have this damn PTSD so I could go and help them and be with them more. I know my older sister is angry at me, thinks I am selfish, and she can trigger a bad flashback to happen because she was like that when I was little too, and she never saw "my world of horrors".

I have another huge challenge I wish I could talk about and vent too, oh how I wish. The love of my life, and I don't want her to end up like me.

Oh, sorry for venting so much, having a really bad morning today, too many of those lately.

OE