[MotownJohnny]

It seems to be my real goal behind each of my nominal goals. To prove them wrong, my father, the quack and the mental health system, my family.

I think about the image of myself as I believe they see me - weak, pathetic, subservient, no direction, no drive, no goals, a screw up, a failure, out of shape, bipolar/insane. Unworthy of being loved or even existing. "They" paint a very bleak picture of me.

Here is where the paranoia- I can't even call it hyper vigilance with the aura of paranoia. - comes in. Extrapolating all of that to my dark-place worst case in my doomsday mind, I think if "they" could do as the truly wanted to with me, they would do as was done in Nazi Germany to the mentally ill, developmentally disabled, etc - they would send me off "to the East" to be gassed. And when my family was notified I had "died of pneumonia" or whatever the nominal official excuse was, they would raise a glass and offer a toast "to pneumonia" and wink and smile and celebrate the fact that their "problem" was resolved permanently.

Why do I think everyone hates me for being such a loser in life. At least, everyone close to me "with a vested interest". People more detached who I have cone to know seem to genuinely admire things about me and like me. So which is right?

It all boils down to patterns of behavior set in motion before I was born. He hated himself because of God knows what ever happened to him growing up, but unlike me, he couldn't even see he was the one with the problems, let alone seek resolution to them. But I have paid the price my entire life for his mental illness. It just isn't fair.

[Open Eyes]

First of all Mowtown, you are "not" a loser in life. You have thrived in spite of growing up in dysfunction that frightened you and was so unnurturing. Your sisters and mother all enabled your father. However, there is more to the way your sisters and mother enabled your father then you or they realize. What they were also responding to is your father's hormonal/faramones that he was giving off to emmitting to them too. This is colorless and even oderless but is something women and even men respond to unknowingly and all mammels respond to it.

Women will say, they wanted to marry a man that is different from their father, however, they often find themselves in a relationship with a man very much like their father. What they did not see is how their body and mind was imprinting the father's genetics and the faramones that go along with these genetics. It is these hidden chemicals that women respond to that often is the reason they "stay" in an abusive or unhealthy relationship too.

What is interesting about what takes place that we cannot see is that what people tend to match up with and be attracted to has a lot more to it than they really realize. For example, let's say that a person loves apple pie and has fond memories of eating apple pie in a comforting safe environment. Well, if someone buys a scented candle that smells like that apple pie, it creates a reaction in the mind and body of what that smell means to the person.

One of the reasons your sisters react poorly towards you Mowtown is most likely because you do not have your fathers hormonal essence, my guess is that you're more genetically like your mother. That doesn't mean "femine" either, it just means "different".

One of the problems with dysfunction where the two males do not get along in the scenario you have discribed is that one of the males can be very good natured and more balanced psychologically, but when it comes time for him to mate he can get confused because he did not experience a positive from what he saw take place in his parents. A man can care about or empathize with women that are like him and the mother, but he doesn't feel comfortable with relationships because of how he saw his father be so abusive to his mother.

Often with the women like your sisters, they pair up with something that has similar markers as the father and will even accept certain behavior patterns unknowingly. Or, what can happen is if they are more genetically like your father, they can choose a mate that is like the mother who gives in and is submissive too.

There is a lot more involved within a family than people truly realize, there is definitely an unseen that is involved because of "nature's design" that is all about procreation and has nothing to do with who is the "nice guy" in the picture.

Women who experienced an abusive type father do not understand "why" they did not see the same signs in their mate, well, they did not see it, something just felt right, and they went with it willingly. Also, when they are in the liar that is full of these chemicals, they don't know how to leave, they genuinely struggle and can only think rationally when they are taken "away" from that atmosphere where they are overcome with these unseen chemicals. This is especially "strong" during a woman's child bearing years. It is actually not unusual that when a woman gets pass that stage for her to begin to wake up and ask "what the hell?".

What I am discribing was really meant to keep a mating pair together to ensure that the offspring would have what is needed to "thrive and survive".

Women will ask, "why am I always attracted to X or why is X always attracted to me and it ends up hurting me somehow, why don't I see it?" The answer is because it is really an "unseen" and it's very powerful and it is like a drug that can render a person helpless".

It is not what we know psychologically, it is also what we know biologically too, and we don't fully realize the biological part of the equation.

So there is a lot more "ignorance" taking place with your sister's and family that they really don't know, they are not intentionally trying to harm you, they are shunning you because you are chemically "different" from your father, that is not anything you can change, and why would you want to anyway?

[MotownJohnny]

Well, I dunno -- actually in body type, appearance and things like blood chemisty (lipid profile, etc) I am a lot more like his side of the family and like him, although I see some of my mother's brothers in me.

One sister married a guy a lot like my father, the other the complete opposite, an really great loving man who takes very good care of his family.

I came to another realization while driving in to work this morning - I really wanted his love, respect, and approval, and of course that was impossible. But I also want theirs. Even my mother, with whom I think I'm pretty close, doesn't give me the support I need. Notice I said need, not want. And that does hurt. But again, as my prior T explained, they are caught up in their own dysfunction due to the entire history and probably aren't capable. I want my sisters' approval and support too -but I think I proved a "big disappointment" and "not good enough" when I went my own way in college. And, you know, a lot of that was because of the dysfunction.

I went from a large public high school where I was top of the class, literally, and felt like someone "special", "best and brightest" academically, teacher's favorite/pet, etc. And they (teachers, staff) told me I had so much potential. Well, that all kinda fell apart really fast my first year at college.

A couple things happened. First of all, imagine what a typical North Korean rural peasant, who was used to the mind games of the totalitarian state plus the abject poverty and depradation, starvation, lack of basic medical care, hard manual labor because of no infrastructure or technology, would think if suddenly transported to the trendy section of Seoul full of shopping malls, high end restaurants, streets teaming with traffic, grocery stores full of every kind of food under the sun, and tons of happy, well dressed, well fed people walking around in political freedom without the state controlling their every move, and absolutely NOT afraid to talk about politics, religion, or anything else, because it's a representative democracy with open markets and thriving economy.

Well, I was that North Korean peasant, suddenly dropped into Wonderland - the freedom of being 60 miles from home, in a dorm, on my own. And, guess what - I had literally never so much as spent the night away from home at a friends house. I was isolated, socially awkward, and utterly overwhelmed. Strike One.

Stike two - I was no longer some hotshot top of the class professor's pet. I was in the honors program, and gee whiz, there were kids in there a LOT smarter, or sharper, or just faster with the answer, or less shy, less self-concious, whatever. It was like a big kick in the pants, or more like a couple of punches to the gut. It hurt, a lot.

Strike three, the big one. After just a few weeks, my mom started calling me during the day when he was gone - and sobbing. It seems without me there as a safety valve to take the blows, he turned his full attention and abuse on her. And, she was really upset, sobbing, scared, said he was "weirder than ever" and she was genuinely afraid he was gonna hurt her or worse. That really upset me.

So, guess what -- I flunked a calculus class, barely squeaked by in chemistry, and still made a couple of 4.0's in the subjects that I enjoyed, French and English. And, also, being sure of myself before I got there, I had signed up for 19 credit hours.

It was "the perfect storm". I was a wreck myself by the end of the first term. Oh, and I got randomly assigned a roommate - he was another nightmare, a druggie. That was not something that helped, at all, and he would barely speak to me at first, then after a few weeks wouldn't even speak to me.

So, that was another trauma. It left me scarred in the sense that I tried to stick with engineering/chemistry as my major, through the first year. I barely passed physics in the spring, only through the grace of a prof who did some tutoring a bit in his office just so I could get a 1.0 and not fail.

And, by the end of my first term, I was emotionally fried. Of course, the **** hit the fan at home big time over Christmas.

And, when I went back, I did contemplate more than once what it would be like to jump out of my dorm room window from about 100 feet up and become one with the concrete below.

The next year, I changed majors to something about as opposite as possible from engineering and chemistry, and did manage to get my degree, with some decent grades even. But, I knew he would hate what I went into so much that ... I told him AFTER I graduated and started working. At least I managed to line up a job before graduation - that was a Saturday, although as was typical, I didn't even attend because I knew he would just ruin it, and started work on Monday.

I dunno, I did consider kiling myself back then. Maybe I am bipolar. I still don't think so - PTSD all fits my symptoms and life patterns just fine, suicidality is not unsual in PTSD.

All of this is very ... confusing. Very ... intense.

Oh, and I'm sleeping less than my pathetic 4 hours even. The past 4-5 nights, like 2 1/2-3 hours. I'm not all that wound up or anything, it's not from terror like it was 2 years ago. Just can't sleep, so I've been gettting up and doing housework.. I was putting away laundry and mopping at 2:30 am this morning.

[MotownJohnny]

I really wish I didn't have to work today. I take off too much time now for medical appointments, therapy, etc. My boss is such a great guy, so I hate to disappoint him, and he is also very busy. Today would be good for "me time" if I could.

I'm gonna have to settle for tonight, riding too and from the gym for my workout. That will help, I'll get home at 11 PM or so, then get up at 3:30 and do it all over again, the ride that is, before work.

Yes, Teacake, I may burn out. Maybe it will be fatal. Ah, no such luck. That, of course, is the PTSD mind talking, I know I don't want that.

Poor Robin Williams - since I learned of his passion for bikes, I feel even worse about his suicide. Maybe he was bipolar, it was speculated. Did that make him any LESS THAN?

If I were, would I be "less than"????

Can I just cry at my desk for the rest of the day???(not that I haven't been there, done that, either).

[Open Eyes]

Your sister's reaction to how you wanted to get your mother away from your father is a lot more involved than you or even they realize. They actually responded as would a primate.
That is how primitive their "loyalty" was. When a primate male is prominent and bossy with the females around him, the females simply put up with it and they don't "run away" at all. With primates, when a male challenges the male that has control, the females do get upset and verbal.

You did "want" to do the right thing and protect your mother and you were willing to challenge your father too. It was the noise that your sister's made and their "fears" of disturbing what order they had "accepted" that kept the right thing from happening. That "order" that your sisters "accepted" was a lot more "involved" then you or they realized.

We have so much knowledge about human nature, we "do" know how strong the faramones and other chemicals are when it comes to mating. We just have not looked at the bigger picture, and that bigger picture is definitely there and always has been there.

There really is a lot of dysfunction that can be prevented. A lot of this "pstd" can be prevented as well as depression and anxiety disorders.

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, a child can have "all" the physical of a parent yet be set up very different emotionally and psychologically with different hormones/faramones.

What you are not picking up on is that while you may have the physical from your father's side, you could actually have taken after the type of person that your father could not get along with somehow and resented. This does happen without a person understanding all the demensions of it.

Your father was always threatened and jealous of you, accused you of things that had to do with your mother that were way out of line too. ALL your father's anger and "deep fears" were about himself, never "you".

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, I had a young man that worked for me for a while. He was very passive and laid back which was the opposite of his ADHD father. I actually met the parents and knowing the son's side just listened to their side too. Neither the father nor the mother is providing the right nurturing for this son. The father is like my husband tends to be "quick minded and pushy" and the mother and father have poor communication skills. Neither of them can nurture and communicate with the son and both parents have stress problems and self medicate with marijuana.

I was able to discribe their challenges with each other and both of them felt validated and they both realized what I was telling them was right too. I explained their son to them and they really did not realize how much of the dysfunction with their son was their fault.

Well, it got so bad they kicked the son out, and the son is self medicating and this did not have to happen. The son was a good kid, he was just "laid back" and the father was too pushy with him and the mother didn't know "what" to do.

I know what you "needed" from your mother, you did deserve it too, unfortunately, your mother really doesn't understand it because she was too caught up and overwhelmed by the dysfunction that your father presented her with.

[Open Eyes]

I think that your "healing quest" should not really be about proving "them" wrong Mowtown. PTSD definitely does have that kind of "urge/desire/drive" to it too. I have that taking place myself, in my legal battle that as you know has been a challenge within a challenge for me.

On a "personal" front, you will do better to find ways to really "free" yourself and just keep learning, and growing and focusing on "you" as you have been. I have seen the "you" that really does deserve to experience that personal growth too. That is what I would like to see you continue to free up about yourself verses fighting along in that old family dysfunctional battle the way you have.

[Open Eyes]

"Oh, and I'm sleeping less than my pathetic 4 hours even. The past 4-5 nights, like 2 1/2-3 hours. I'm not all that wound up or anything, it's not from terror like it was 2 years ago. Just can't sleep, so I've been gettting up and doing housework.. I was putting away laundry and mopping at 2:30 am this morning." quote Mowtown

This happens sometimes with PTSD, I have had nights myself where I can't seem to sleep for some reason. I have no idea why either, I turn on the TV and try to find something I can watch. I wish I was as productive as you are. I might have been had I not had the problem with "detaching" from my house.

IMHO, what you are remembering is the stressful pattern your father and his problems that also affected your mother created in you. College is stressful for most students all in itself, never mind having your mother call you and worry you with how your father was getting worse and taking it out on her.

That being said, it is really not unusual to change a major while in college either. Calculis is really hard Mowtown, a person really has to have a quiet mind to really devote to learning the more challenging formulas that calculis presents.

You probably didn't have PTSD at the time but was experiencing GAD symptoms. I am sorry that you always felt such a need to keep up with a standard your father set for you too. I have seen this happen and it is just too stressful and unreasonable for a child/young adult. College is a huge adjustment for a young adult, going from an intimate high school setting to a big college campus is really somewhat of a "shock". A lot of students experience a lot of anxiety with that big change too.

It is important that you review these past challenges with "compassion" for yourself Mowtown. A lot of students change majors in College and struggle and end up doing something much different than they had originally intended. You need to be fair to where your maturity level was at the time, your brain was still growing and no where near having the developmental skills you have now as a man in your 40's with so many life experiences behind you. It is crucial that when you "review" as you are that you realize that "now" you have the outcome of your challenges that you faced back then, you had none of that at the time. Everyone looks back on their past wishing they knew then what they know in the present.

[MotownJohnny]

All true. But it really contributed my sense of failure and to my sense of shame. I know my family held it against me, they were pretty openly hostile that I didn't "succeed" like they did. Well, bully for them, being able to overlook everything. They weren't there when I was facing him alone at his worst, and they were girls. He didn't hate them like he hated me. To this day, they think I make up this stuff, and minimize it. They admit and know he was "off" and lived through the cross dressing, etc,, but "he wasn't as bad as you make him out to be".

Yes, he was.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry they are minimizing the way you experienced your father's dysfunctional behavior patterns. You are right, they are girls and were treated better than you were.
You were the youngest right? You were also the only male child too.

I am sorry you had so many "negative" females around you with all their hormonal stuff going on. From the environment you are discribing how could your male ego really develop in a healthy way? No wonder why you want a real "man hug" but in a totally normal male way that you never have been able to experience. I think that what you have been doing now with healthy male mentors is "good" for you.

You have not even had the right female attention either in your life because your mother never helped you with that, all of the women around you failed you that way. I am hearing that they are "still" failing you, no wonder you want to hop on your bike and take off.

Mowtown, I do hope you realize you will really never be able to "show these women" how wrong they were/are either. Your best energy needs to be spent away from them and around healthy men as you have been doing so you can get that past dysfunction overrun by ignoring these selfish women and just being whatever "you" want to be.

I am glad you did not actually pair up with a woman because you would have probably pursued the very thing that would be wrong for you. Sadly, a lot of men actually do that and end up with a very selfish narcissistic woman that keeps them "passive". Women make that same mistake and often marry the kind of man they should never partner up with EVER.

Sometimes a male or female will make a wiser choice "after" their hormonal raging years have passed them and they can actually think with their minds and not their hormones.

Human nature is something else isn't it?

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, it certainly is. The women in my life, romantically, have all been pretty much cut from the same cloth, abusive backgrounds, etc.

I haven 't even dated in years - who would want a mess like me?

[Open Eyes]

Oh Mowtown, that is just not true, you are basing that on the women in your family, I hope you recognize that. I can't blame you for feeling that way, but it's just not the truth about you.