[Teacake]

There is no PTSD on the road!

The car is ready. All my crap is piled in two piles on the living room floor. One pile is rejects and one is undecided. If im good I will be out of here by noon. Im never that good. But im on the road today for sure.

[MotownJohnny]

Yeah, have a safe and happy journey. Keep us informed of your progress if possible. Take a lot of breaks if you can.

[Teacake]

First detour. Chiles rellenos for breakfast on Main Street. So I'm off to a slow start. But loading my books is physical labor! I need a good breakfast.

Its Indiana. It will be there when I get home.

[Teacake]

OK. Still in the garage. Becoming big time ptsd irritable. I lost my Adderall, night? So what did I did but buy a fifty dollar tee shirt and luck into a twelve dollar hair cut at Aveda.

I love the road.

Its the garage I cant stand.

[JaneC]

Drive safe Teacake. Take it easy.

[Teacake]

I think I died and went to purgatory. I am sorry for what I done. Let me out?

Im still packing.

Its unnatural to leave books behind.
I had to pack all kiddos report cards and things. I couldnt throw them away.

"roses are red, violets are blue. If you dont give me your hart i'll take your liver". Awww.

With tears standing in his eyes my mechanic told me my little car is on its last set of tires. I told him hes been good to my little car and Ive appreciated it. I had to dissociate a little to get out without bawling. For everything. My car. America. Freedom. Human dignity. Everyone I saw at the state hospital. How have I not cried for them yet? The Quakers here, who seem broken and medicated. My one friend so obviously on something, scattered out, my guess now is risperdol. Birthright ptsd like me. I see the risperdol people and they are like stepford wives. I glad they have shed their suffering but...I dont want it to happen to me. I want to be brave enough to see it all go down.

I need to unpack and repack. Do i? Do i not?

I can fit it all in.
Www
I dont process as i go...I mean thoughts and feelings. Im a writer by nature. But I dont write anymore. Just this thumbing rumination. What happens Then is I hold it all in, leave it unprocessed, and when I have task requiring dopamine, theres all these other thought in queue.

Im prwtty sure I have insufficient dopamine because I was scolded and treated like freak for thinking too much. I stopped thinking so much. I lowered my iq too. Thirty points. No kidding. Because girls are relational. Then there was trauma which raises dopamine again. And who knows whether studying so hard did not make ptsd worse by keeping me thinking. High dopamine.los.Serotonin.

I want so badly to just be on the road. I want so badly to be not so attached to thingsn. A ginger cráter. Baskets. Books. A halogen lamp. Stupid things. I must be insane. Or in hell. Coffee made it worse. It was purgatory before coffe
I swear I want to scream and cry for help. This is so not the fantasy of cherry picking the essential things and bugging out. I should be home my now. It will never happen. Because im crazy.

I didn't have adhd as a child. Im sure of that. My mother is too. Maybe smoking ruined my brain. It can. I had adhd before I became a heavy drinker.

It seems so importante to sort this out
hen I should be sorting my crapola. Like gas dont cost money.

[Open Eyes]

When it gets that bad picture Sharlot Ohara saying, "I can think about that now, if I think about it now I will go crazy, will just think about it tomorrow, after all, tomorrow is another day!."

That can help, you are going home to Tara, the earth of Tara will help you, I think you will do better there Teacake.

[Teacake]

East of Limon I.felt I was back in America. Fly over country. All of Kansas has been starry and sticky.

[PoorPrincess]

Bless you, dear one, on your return journey on the road to home.
Princess knows Limon! ... and the l o n g drive through Kansas ...
KC ... into Missouri ... and very soon you, Teacake, are on the homestretch to Indiana!
Supportively cheering you onward, Darlin.

[Teacake]

Like I said, there is no PTSD on the road. I think its because time is measured spacially. Or because highway hypnosis is the cure. Road people are good people too.

The little car does 100mph easily, on its new alignment and its last leg. Ive been seeing its life flash before my eyes. Its been a good little car for more than half my life. Thats a long time to own a car. Its my proof I make excellent choices in life.

I lost the three hours before Salinas. I remember what there was. Blackness. Natural dark and more trucos with u-hauls than cars without. Blinking red airport. And lightning.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by PoorPrincess

Bless you, dear one, on your return journey on the road to home.
Princess knows Limon! ... and the l o n g drive through Kansas ...
KC ... into Missouri ... and very soon you, Teacake, are on the homestretch to Indiana!
Supportively cheering you onward, Darlin.

. Im in Independence. After St. Louis its all corn!

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Teacake

There is no PTSD on the road!

I totally believe this. I drove for a several years in order to make a living and pull myself together. I still love road trips. I schedule them around the release of a new game that hubby wants so I don't feel guilty about leaving him behind.

Glad it's going well for you.

[Teacake]

We have beautiful highways in this country.

[JaneC]

Oh Teacake, I'd love to be on a road trip! I so miss my travelling days. I think you are right, there is no PTSD on the road.

I remember driving through the mountains outside of Denver and thinking what an amazing drive! You do have some beautiful highways over there.

Enjoy, and take care!

[Teacake]

Ive driven ll over Colorado and each mountain range and mountain town os better than the next.tifht now though, the most wonderful place os wherever there is hot coffee and a hot shower and a cool pillow.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Teacake

Ive driven ll over Colorado and each mountain range and mountain town os better than the next.tifht now though, the most wonderful place os wherever there is hot coffee and a hot shower and a cool pillow.

Oh the irony. I am home. There is no hot water. There are all kinds of water problems. Hot coffee and a cool pillow...not the same without a hot shower.

September is dazzling. The yards are springy. It's going to be a pleasure to start a little winter garden and plant some bulbs.

Its home. I can remember coming home to this house when I was very small and the big braided rug was very new and colorful. I remember so vividly I understand why people can believe in ghosts. Last year about this time I thought about making an altar for day of the dead. The thought of assembling my dads brand of coffee and cigarettes and his soap, talc, etc sent me into a spin. Seeing thw whole house again...without the antiques grandma refinished in thw seventies, brings back childhood. It was a great childhood. I was loved.

My mother seems prepared tobstay here wi

[Bluegrey]

Glad you've done the journey, Teacake. Hope things can be sorted out without too much bother. Relax, if you can...


Bluegrey

[Teacake]

I'm dead on my feet and have cut up my hands pulling ivy. I've dreamed of this house all my life. It was always our second home, and what my family meant when we said "going home". It's a real ancestral home. In my dreams I see things as I saw them as a child then I see that beyond the root cellar is another cave cellar and beyond that is a stream and green vines. Or I see that the closet in my grandmothers bedroom leads to another older part of the house that is both grander and more rustic...

The house is sound.

I woke from an insistent nightmare this morning. Trauma dream, but in this one I was confessing that I had failed. I don't have the education I wanted.

I also dreamed about a documentary about freedom fighters. I saw that there was a great celebration because they had been effective in gaining their political rights or identity or freedom or whatever it was. . Now they had to make the transition to peacetime. It was known from history that if they did not deal with war trauma, they would fall back into slavery. As Americans have. I understood that these were my ancestors.

It was just a dream. But some dreams are powerful.

[MotownJohnny]

You made it!!! I hope it's a good change for you. Some people have allergies to ivy sap (not talking about poison ivy here), so wash your hands well.