[Werewoman]

....my T assures me it's normal for some people with PTSD to use this as a coping mechanism.

Basically, I come across some fictional character - never a real person - whom I identify with in some way, and then I become rather obsessed with them. I used to do it a LOT before I was diagnosed, but it stopped altogether until recently when I had a big setback (my sister in laws death and my mother/abuser ambushed me at the funeral, basically) and I find myself doing it again.

As an example, a dozen years or so ago, I found a book called "In Country" by Bobbie Ann Mason. The two main characters in it are a teenage girl who desperately wants to know about the father she never knew who was killed in Vietnam (thus the title, In Country is how Nam vets refer to being there). My father left us when I was 5, and I never got to know him until I was well into my 30's, when I stopped believing all the crap and lies my mother/abuser told me as I was growing up. Also in the story, there was the girl's uncle, who, as it turns out, was the sole survivor of his unit in the war. She pesters him to talk about it over there - in country - because she thinks it will help her know more about her father, and he, suffering from severe PTSD doesn't want to talk about it. In the end, he does, and his story is as gut-wrenching as is her pain of losing her father, and well, I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, but I read that book over and over and over and over. Then when I discovered they made a movie of it (the book is better, btw - really!) and I started watching the movie over and over and over, etc. Sometimes, I would read the book, watch the movie, then read the book again, and watch the movie again, etc.

I know now I did this because fictional characters are safer than real people. They are who they are, and they don't let you down, or change and you feel their pain even though you know they don't share yours because, of course, they aren't real, and that's what makes them safe for me.

Anyway, many years ago, I sold the book and movie in a yard sale, but lately, after the ordeal I've been experiencing the last few months, I find myself regressing and wanting to read the book and watch the movie again. So, guess what I did? I ordered them off Barnes and Noble the other day. Can't wait to get them and do it again. Luckily for my poor family, I only read and watch obsessively when I'm alone.

Sooooooooo, I have to ask, of course, because it seems a lot of us here at PC ask these sort of questions all the time, does anyone else do this or something similar?

Just curious. WW

[Open Eyes]

Actually Werewoman what you are talking about is something many young children do. It is normal for a child to have a "favorite book" they want read to them every night, I know my daughter had one. And she also liked to watch Disney movies over and over again too.

Also, people are known to get very involved with soap operas, almost as though these charectors are "real to them". This is also why certain series get popular and run for years because they have such a following, however, the same is true for songs and certain artists that sing and write these songs.

So, I would say your attachment is "normal".

[MotownJohnny]

I don't find it particularly odd, either. I went through a phase as a teenager when I was really obsessed with the treatment of American POW's during the Viet Nam war, read a lot of books about it, etc. I used to imagine what it was like for those guys - I guess it resonated with me because of my personal circumstances. I always wondered if I could be as tough as they were (yeah, right )

[Open Eyes]

No, it's not weird at all Mowtown.

Here is some of the link I had posted for you that you could relate to so much. It is talking about the same thing you have related to about POW's.

It seems that Complex PTSD can potentially arise from any prolonged period of negative stress in which certain factors are present, which may include any of captivity, lack of means of escape, entrapment, repeated violation of boundaries, betrayal, rejection, bewilderment, confusion, and - crucially - lack of control, loss of control and disempowerment. It is the overwhelming nature of the events and the inability (helplessness, lack of knowledge, lack of support etc) of the person trying to deal with those events that leads to the development of Complex PTSD. Situations which might give rise to Complex PTSD include bullying, harassment, abuse, domestic violence, stalking, long-term caring for a disabled relative, unresolved grief, exam stress over a period of years, mounting debt, contact experience, etc. Those working in regular traumatic situations, eg the emergency services, are also prone to developing Complex PTSD.

A key feature of Complex PTSD is the aspect of captivity. The individual experiencing trauma by degree is unable to escape the situation. Despite some people's assertions to the contrary, situations of domestic abuse and workplace abuse can be extremely difficult to get out of. In the latter case there are several reasons, including financial vulnerability (especially if you're a single parent or main breadwinner - the rate of marital breakdown is approaching 50% in the UK), unavailability of jobs, ageism (many people who are bullied are over 40), partner unable to move, and kids settled in school and you are unable or unwilling to move them. The real killer, though, is being unable to get a job reference - the bully will go to great lengths to blacken the person's name, often for years, and it is this lack of reference more than anything else which prevents people escaping.

[Werewoman]

I see where both of you are coming from and I agree up to a point.

When my daughter was very young, she constantly watched "The Little Mermaid" to the point where she knew every word of dialogue, and every note and every lyric to every song.

I once wrote a thesis on the Neuremburg (sp?) trials and was so horrified by what I learned, I couldn't stop researching the holocaust for a long time afterward.

I wouldn't say I enjoy this obsession of mine. It's almost a necessity to keep me sane while at the same time it makes me feel very uncomfortable, yet I still do it anyway.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. I feel better about it now.

WW

[MotownJohnny]

Yeah, Holocaust books, films, etc were another thing I devoted a lot of unhappy time to. I identified with the persecution, I guess. Spent a lot of time in the past two years identifying with it, really, feeling like a MI diagnosis was going to get me sent off to the gas. It probably would have in late 1930's - 1940's Germany.

[A Red Panda]

I go back to books to reread them quite frequently. I find comfort in the story and familiarness of it, along with relating to the characters. My re-reads are always in fantasy novels though, because I don't enjoy reading true-to-life fiction because I get waaayyy too upset reading them. The fantasy element lets me stay grounded in reality even when I'm off in space, basically.

[Open Eyes]

The human brain "likes" to have/function with predictablity because it brings a sense of "safety" and pleasure. When something threatens that, we are designed to be stressed enough so that we focus on whatever it is in an effort to fit it into "reason" and "solution"
or to eliminate so that we can continue to get back to our sense of "safe structure".

When it comes to something like the Holocaust however, that entire scenario was due to the "madness" of a man that wanted to eliminate in a huge way, something that had threatened him personally. Also, Hitler got increasingly paranoid because he "was" threatened to a point where he struggled to "trust" anyone.

Werewoman, "obsession" is not always a bad thing. You just happened to find that movie and book "comforting" in whatever way it gave you a sense of predictablity.
So many people like to have things that help them or please them that way be it a favorite song, book, movie, pictures to all kinds of things that signify "comforting structure".

[GeminiNZ]

I haven't done it with book characters, but i have with music.

Sometimes I would 'escape' what was being done to me by imagining a song floating above my head, then picture myself climbing up into it and becoming part of the lyrical story for a while.

Or I'd play songs inside my head to drown out everything around me. Or play the same song over and over and over again until it felt like i was the song. Or i'd stop an internal song mid-flow and hide out in the secret space between beats.

(Not sure why i'm talking past tense here as i still do these things. And hide in the space between breaths.)

But sometimes even that wasn't enough (like all the days when my mother abused me during the day and then my father abused me in the night), so I ended up creating an internal music room to go to. It evolved over time and is pretty spectacular now, and no one is allowed in there but me. T is the only person in my life who even knows it exists - i go there sometimes during intensely triggering sessions - but he's not allowed in it either. Took me a long time to even tell him about it because i thought he'd think it was all kinds of negative, but he, too, talked about trauma and coping mechanisms and said it helped me survive so is something to be honoured, not negated.

It's the only place in the entire universe where i can be certain i am really, truly safe.