[JaneC]

I decided to allow myself to watch a daytime movie, it's holidays, I'm alone as my boy is at his dad's.

This film is about a little girl, who's parents died and her uncle's are her guardians. OMG! These 3 kind and funny men(ok I know it is not real, but it is really affecting me) are just loving this little girl who won't talk.

I am bawling, because it brings up all of these deep longings and pain around my father and men generally in my life. And also my therapist being away when I really need him.

My father left when I was 2, saw him intermittently over the years.....but always he would do or say something that showed that I was the least important. He'd give myself and my sister a birthday present like some money, we share the same day but 2 years apart, and then take it back or ask for mine back so that my sister could keep hers because he couldn't afford both.

When I was older, late teens, he'd call and try to bribe me to go live with him....but it always ended up being to support him financially, and then he'd abuse me verbally if told him no. There are so many things..........

I just don't know what was so wrong with me, out of all of us kids, that I always wore the anger or disgust, that was never the cute or good one in my parents eyes. Why I was never good enough for my father to love me(forget about my mother). Why I never had a father to care and protect me from the **** I faced growing up. What on earth was so wrong with me.

It takes a lot to type this here.....this is the first time, ever, that I have allowed myself to even think anything but anger and hatred towards my father. I have never uttered a single sentence to myself, my family, nor my therapist actually saying........... why did I never have a daddy.

**** this! Why now......... I knew this holiday season was going to be hard. I did not expect these thoughts. This is soo painful. And I feel incredibly alone. And I feel really stupid to be feeling like a little girl inside again, a girl who wants a daddy.........

Sorry, please excuse the ramble. Maybe it will help putting it out there.......

[Open Eyes]

Oh (((((((((((Jane))))))))))))))) I am sorry that movie triggered so many challenging emotions/memories to come forward. Oh hun, your father not connecting with you as a loving father never had anything to do with your worthiness at all. That was his lack of ability to be that kind of father, it had nothing to do with you at all. I think that is how you felt about it as a child though and it is important that you shared that inner challenge because you need to be told as often as you need that it had nothing to do with your worthyness of being loved at all.

Please don't place your self worth based on your sister either because I doubt she got what she needed either tbh. Actually in what you have said about her tells me that she doesn't "know how" to be caring either and that was due to the lack of nurturing she got as well, even if you think she got more than you did.

You are still viewing this picture with you in it and that is hard, it takes time to finally step outside the whole picture and see everyone involved to recognize the lack in each individual and how that created the dysfunctional environment you grew up with. That being said, I am glad to hear that you did not get involved with getting trapped in a scenario where your father became dependent on you, good for you.

You deserve to talk about this challenge, it's an important piece of your pain that deserves greiving and your being comforted and validated for that "loss".

Try not to attach this to the holiday though ok? You just needed this to surface and it finally did that's all, it was time, these challenging feelings just surface, they are inconvenient, but important to finally "healing" (((Jane)). I actually think that it was best that you did not have this surface with your son there too. It's lonely, yes, but it's also a private thing one has to work through with support from others that can understand the journey, even if it is here at PC. Yes, we are not there in a physical sense, but we "are" real people who understand the challenge and are "here" for you to listen and support you with your healing. Don't be "sorry", it's not a ramble, it's important and I am glad you have shared it.

Again, (((Jane))) I only wish I could give you IRL hugs, but I am here listening and caring in every way I can in spite of not being there for you physically.

(((Gentle Very Caring and Comforting )))))

OE

[JaneC]

Thanks OE. I don't feel able to reply much now. Just all muddled up in my head, terribly down, all those dark thoughts come so easily at times like this. Too many tears,

Will distract with some rubbish tv, or maybe go mow the lawns before it gets dark.

[Open Eyes]

I understand ((Jane)), I definitely know and have experienced what you are discribing first hand. It's ok, you do whatever you can to self sooth.
If you need to talk, we are here to listen.

[JaneC]

Full on anxiety all day.......had to meet mother a the airport today. She is going to my brothers first, thankfully for a few days. It was great for my son to see his grandparents.

I survived the barbs about my hair.........you see, I shaved it all off earlier this year to raise money for cancer research, and so my sister told my mother that I look like *an insulting term for a masculine looking lesbian*. Ugh! I despise this sort of language and discrimination and.........oh.......they will never change.......

And just because my hair is short suddenly my sexuality questioned and is everybody else's business to make fun off. I have all this anger welling up inside, and luckily the only people wearing it today were the BAD DRIVERS around me!!!!! I hate that family has this effect on me, I know this is a defence mechanism, but ugh!

Tough day mostly over......but, on top of yesterday, blurgh!

[Open Eyes]

Jane, unfortunately what your mother and sister have expressed to you is their shallowness as individuals. When someone struggles with PTSD, the need for support and understanding is very strong. It really is such an emotional challenge so if an individual is around others who lack emotionally understanding depth, it really does make it harder.

When it comes to PTSD, the depression that a person struggles with is not just being tired, but being emotionally tired. That is why it can be so hard to be around family that is unsupportive and can make "hurtful" or dismissive comments. What you have discribed is expressing how comments are made by your family members with disregard to your feelings, can't blame you for being emotionally depressed about that.

PTSD = deep grief where the individual needs to actually be allowed to "grieve" and have caring "support". It is "wrong" to treat someone experiencing deep grief/loss/emotional challenge as though they are wrong to need to grieve, it's inhumane. Human beings for the most part are "emotional beings" and to insist on not acknowledging that is "cruel".