[Harley326]

My brother was killed in a car accident a little over 4 years ago. After the accident I went into an 8 month depression. Stopped going to work, stopped going to school, moved back in with my parents. I'm not sure that my PTSD diagnosis is actually accurate. It was given to me by a regular old doctor after describing my symptoms. I've never had any flashbacks, but the dreams I sometimes get are not fun at all.

I'm bipolar. I had my first episode about a year ago. I was prescribed Seroquel (an anti-psychotic) which completely knocked me out when I took it. All of my dreams pretty much stopped. I'm not taking it anymore - still on a mood stabilizer - and it seems like my crazy vivid dreams have come back.

Tonight I dreamed that we were in the mountains (me, my dad, my stepmom). There was tons of snow everywhere. Doctors had his body at the hospital. They were trying to being him back to life. They succeeded, but said that it wouldn't last. We spent the day together and were fragile with him because he was fragile in general. We were getting ready to leave for the night, him back at the hospital. My parents were holding back and I was comforting him. Letting him know we'd be back in the morning. That he would be fine. There was nothing to be scared of and just like that he started fading. It was like he was passing out. Fluttering eyes, swaying back and forth. I grabbed him and told him to breath. Just calm down and breath. He died again. The doctors rushed out and tried to bring him back again. They succeeded. He only lasted a couple minutes this time. Other family started showing up. The doctors were trying again to being him back. They failed. I woke up. It was about an hour ago. I went out to smoke because there's no way I'm going to end up back asleep in the next couple hours. I don't usually turn the lights on because they're across the room, usually I just use my phone. I'm terrified he going to appear in the pale light, brought back to life 4 years after he died. I know it's ****ing irrational, but that doesn't help a damn bit. Sorry to go on, I just needed to get it off my chest and I can't share it with my family later because it'll just upset them and my fiance is sound asleep. I feel like he's tired of hearing about it.

[sideblinded]

I am so sorry to hear about your brother's accident and passing. Your dreams are not irrational. You had a traumatizing event in your life and our dreams can be affected so commonly. I am glad that you shared it here as others can relate to having these kinds of dreams. When my dad left me when I was 10 and I never saw him again, I had nightmares about not being able to find him for years. This is going to be a long process for you and it will take time for you to heal and accept his passing. Have you seen a therapist about this? It could help you process your feelings as you say your family is still traumatized as well.

[Harley326]

I have a therapist for other reasons, but I don't really do well talking about him or the accident. I clam up or become hysterical depending on the circumstances. Writing anonymously to a bunch of people I don't know and will never have to see again is much easier.