[Ameline]

I'm a 25 year old woman with my whole life ahead of me. There are a lot of possibilities, I'm in a fairly good place even though I struggle financially and need to find a job where I could also save enough money to start my own business. I have some social anxiety problems I find hard to deal with and they really get in the way of things. I'm not sure I'm in the right group to discuss this, but it seems most fitting.

What it all comes to is something I call a "good girl syndrome". Being cute, vulnerable, childlike, nice, non-threatening, passive, not exhibiting desires or needs.... that is the facade I put out to the world. I instinctively work on achieving this status. It's not good. I sabotage myself to fit in that box. It feels safe, being bad to me is like kicking a puppy and people generally don't like to do that. But I can't get anywhere with my life like this. The funny thing is, if there's someone who'd want to take advantage of me, I have no problem putting him in his place. He broke the rules of the game, so I'm free not to play anymore - my actual boundaries (as opposed to those I pretend to have) are all right. I feel joy when I stand up for myself even though I don't enjoy the confrontation itself. I feel real, free and alive. I want to feel like this all the time, not only when alone, attacked or when I'm with my partner who I trust. Sometimes I feel this comfortable with other people as well, but it's really uncommon, I'm ussually mentally curled up into a ball, I'm terrified that something goes wrong... I don't know what, just a sense of unbearable pain and hopelessness. I don't know how to snap out of this.

I grew up as an only child of a mentally ill single mother. I was her only outlet and filled the role of her partner. Over time she was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder, but refused treatment. Later she developed paranoid delusions (as bizzare as for example believing to be the reincarnation of Jesus and that there are people who want to destroy her because of that) and a number of psychosomatic symptoms so she would be dependant on my care. She often threatened suicide and held me responsible for her emotions and basically anything that went wrong. Psychological abuse, rage, blame, manipulation, all that in a nice package of the "perfect loving mother" as she saw herself.

I was very angry for a long time once I realized what was going on (she was so shocked when her techniques suddenly stopped working and I didn't let her rage get to me anymore), all that ugly stuff I couldn't even remember properly, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, all of this went out. Thankfully this phase seems to be mostly over. I have actually found some appreciation for her in the past year or so. Seeing my grandparents, seeing how my uncle turned out, I just think she did great with everything she's been through, as sad as it may sound. The whole family is a mess, to be honest. It's just sad, I'm not angry anymore. I'm pretty happy I have a chance to break the cycle. What I experienced also made me the person I am today and even though it's a weird thing to say, I like who I turned out to be. There's just some fine-tuning needed - some bad habits, thought patterns, residual fears - and I sometimes get stuck on that. I want to free myself. I'm tired of dealing with the past when it comes to haunt me. I want this to be done with once and for all, solved, detangled, gone. I want to stop playing games and be real. I probably need some help with that. Please?

[kaliope]

i dont know if this is what you are seeking but what jumped out for me in this post, and maybe because it is reminiscent of my own experience with being the good girl, but what rang for me was having permission to be angry. that wasnt allowed as a kid because you had to be a good girl. you had to hold the world together. you couldnt act out. you had to be perfect. and damn it. you wanted to be pissed off. and maybe you dont allow yourself to be that today because it is "bad". but it is ok to get pissed and it doesnt mean you are bad. we have a right to be angry. i may be totally off base here so forgive me if i am. your post could have just triggered my own stuff. take care.

[Open Eyes]

"What it all comes to is something I call a "good girl syndrome". Being cute, vulnerable, childlike, nice, non-threatening, passive, not exhibiting desires or needs.... that is the facade I put out to the world. I instinctively work on achieving this status. It's not good. I sabotage myself to fit in that box. It feels safe, being bad to me is like kicking a puppy and people generally don't like to do that." quote Ameline

Why do you think that you only have those two choices?

You are 25 now, your brain has finished developing and your ability to make conscious choices now is "there" for you. You are no longer a child, nor do you need to act like one, being cute, passive and as non threatening as possible.

You are ready to develop beyond your own little world too. The fact that you have learned how to see your mother in a more grown up light, along with other family members is a good sign showing you have finally matured enough to do so. While you did not have the ideal childhood, you have grown to understand "why" better and you even recognize that you are still young, have a lot of life in front of you too.

I think that what you need to work on now is developing assertiveness, and also recognizing that while your desire is to be a "good" person, you will come across others that may not be, may even see if they can control you in some way. That is when you must learn to "not" be passive as that is typically what draws the wrong people to you that may try to intrude on your boundaries. It is ok to be nice, and also be assertive, if you work on that, you will attract less individuals that you don't want part of your life, be it friends or coworkers etc.

You will be "fine tuning" yourself all of your life, every person you meet or interact with will present something new that you will learn from too.

Some therapies that are very helpful are CBT and DBT, because they both help you not only understand whatever cognitive distortions you may have from your history, but also how to interact with others when you are challenged. Taking these therapies can help you to develop healthier social skills, rather than hiding in a little childhood box that you are not going to be able to fit into anymore.

Keep allowing yourself to seek out skill building that will give you tools to maintain a sense of "feeling good about yourself" when you interact with others.

((Hugs))
OE