I want so badly to believe...

...it's true. I've spent the better part of two hours tonight talking to my mom/abuser on the phone. Long story short. She keeps insisting shes' not the same person she was when I was little and she was beating the crap out of me (my words, not hers). I want so badly to believe her, and I told her how much I just want my mom. Again, she insists she can be my mom again. I don't trust her simply because she's never given me a reason to trust her. She says that's okay - that it's understandable.

My problem with it is that I am at my breaking point and I can't stop thinking that this is just SSDD (same stuff different day) and that at some point she'll betray me again and I will finally just go off the deep end and end up being a drooling vegetable in some mental ward.

I say this because she is so damn good at appearing to be normal, I don't dare let myself trust her to tell the truth.

This is literally tearing me apart. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. If I dare to trust her again, and she betrays me yet again, I don't think I will survive it, much less do I want to.

What would you do in my shoes? I'm lost and confused and looking for insights. I just don't see how someone who was so filled with rage and violence can just change like that *snap*. She claims she's been 'in therapy' for forty years, but that means I was about 12 and the violence and abuse went on until I was almost 30, so that doesn't make any sense to me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

WW

We always want our moms and comfort and unconditional love we expect and need from them. The problem is that some of the moms just are not capable of giving that for various reasons. And many of them never will. It has been very hard for me to realise that my mom will never give emotional support, she does not have enought of empathy and never will. I do continue seeing her to get at least illusion of comfort. My T has helped me to look at other ways than usual that she tries to express her love, even though it's substitute of what real love would be. I tend to get into relationships with other people that are mother-substitues and sometimes they get sort of emotionally abusive and hard to break. Probably that's the struggle of my live.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Oh WW, I wish I did have good advice! I have a mother that was dreadful, from my perspective, growing up and into adulthood, abusive from most perspectives. I always wanted her to love me to show care and support and appreciation of who I was, am. She never did.....it screwed me up so much.

I never thought it would be possible for her to change, not even a tiny bit. This last Christmas......I saw changes...and she almost floored me by actually telling me "you're good, you're doing good, keep going". As close as she has ever come to acceptance or expressing anything close to love.

I am struggling like you to trust and believe any change. How is this possible????

I think my therapist might say something like live in the moment, people and situations can change. Change is the only constant. Accept what you see is happening right now......I don't know.......

Maybe someone else will come along with a better idea. I too struggle with allowing myself to trust after such a long experience telling me not too.

werewoman

((Werewoman))

I can't advise you, but just want to mention my own experience. My mother was an alcoholic and also became addicted to Valium which was prescribed for her MS. As a child I didn't know what was normal, but I know now that my relationship with her was anything but. After many years, and after I'd left home, she somehow got free of both alcohol and Valium, and she did change though I was always wary. We never became close but I'm glad we made peace.

Your situation is different, I know, and I think I would feel very wary. I hope that you can make a decision that makes you comfortable.


Bluegrey

((Werewoman)) this is a big challenge and that you struggle with it is normal.

This woman that is your mother can never make up for the hurt you suffered when she treated you so badly as a child. Some people soften and even come to learn more about the things they did wrong with their children. They may at some point appologize, but as human beings, there are always parts of them that never really do change. So there is always a possiblity that this person may at some point disappoint you. You do not have to "give her your trust", you do not have to give "anyone" your trust, you have the right to reserve that as you so choose. You do not have to love her either, you can choose to appreciate the things she has admitted doing wrong, but that doesn't mean she is deserving of your love and trust.

I think that is where your true challenge is, you always wanted a mother who loved you unconditionally, but this mother failed you that way. The only thing taking place now is that she has admitted her faults, that is nice to have at least. You are the one that owns the rights to whether or not you want to have feelings for her, you did not have that ability to understand that as a child, you do now as an adult. YOU are the one with the power here, "not her".

(((Hugs)))
OE

What is hard about this kind of challenge, and I have noticed Bluegrey is struggling with this as well, is that it takes time to "heal" that very hurt child part. When ptsd takes place it comes as a surprise because most people don't realize how much hurt they carried with them or that one can be triggered and "feel/relive" that child part as if it is in the "now". It also takes time to finally "grieve" whatever was "lost" to that child part too.

It is very understandable that a person "want" to experience that nurturing they did not experience. However, the person who may not have provided that, even though they may recognize their failure, may still not know "how" to finally comfort their child (who is now an adult) in the way that child deserved. It can be just as hard for a parent to try to repair that void as it is for their adult child.

There is "something lost" for both involved so it may be very hard for the parent to be strong enough and not exprience their own grief, and possibly get frustrated and even angry instead of steadfastly staying within a level of ability to rise above their own guilt and stay with what they should have provided in nurturing that they did not, and most likely did not experience themselves. Getting to a point where one recognizes their own failures, doesn't mean they have the knowledge of "how" to finally do whatever they did not do in their past.

Your mother would have to have a therapist to help her better understand "how" to address you when you express these unmet needs. She would have to slowly "learn" how to hear you and then provide you with what you really need. Remember, we learn by doing, and we do make mistakes as we are learning, we practice until we learn how to respond which is what mothers do when they are raising their child. Well, now you are an adult which is a lot more complex than a child and not only that but you still have a lot of "hurt" child parts that even challenge you, so that is something your mother may not understand "how" to address. It is challenging enough for a therapist to address, so a parent that often lacks in "learning from practicing" may fail to respond the way you need.

So, when I say to you that you don't have to "love and trust" your mother, I am telling you that you don't have to "trust" that she will respond to you in the way that you need her to. Perhaps you could look at it as the difference between trusting someone who is only learning how to be a therapist, verses someone who has practiced being a therapist and has a much better understanding of how to respond when a patient struggles.

OE,

One thing she kept saying over and over again was that she's been getting 'professional help' for 40 years. It took me a few days to realize she's referring to the never-ending succession of self help books, seminars, etc. that I have watched her spend enormous amounts of money on since "I'm Okay, You're Okay" was published back in the 70's. She doesn't seem to understand - or more likely doesn't want to understand - that there's a difference between 'self-help' materials and one on one therapy and psychiatric care.

I really don't expect her to respond to me like my damaged inner child would like for her to, I just want her to get help for her own sake and maybe in the process, we might both learn some things about each other so that we can truly have the relationship we both want, but are too damaged to achieve unless we are both willing to do whatever it takes to heal.

WW I have broke off contact with both my adoptive parents that abused me so I can relate to the challenges it poses. I gave chance after chance and the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" echoed in my head and made me feel like an idiot. If I were in your shoes, I'd run not walk far away. I wish you inner peace

Yes, you are right because she was looking for "self" empowerment and that is about "self" and it doesn't mean that is going to lead to recognizing the "needs of others", which she failed to recognize with you as a child.

I actually met a woman who wrote a "self help book", she was so busy with that she did not realize how very much she was neglecting her child who basically hung on her leg the entire time I was entertaining at the child's party, the child was only interested in having time with mommy, so much so that she did not play with friends, or have any interest in me, something that is very rare.

So, I know what you are saying.

If she really were changed, how much would you still want a better relationship with her?

If you would want it, you could start slow and see if she truly has changed. For example, one idea might be to start with a weekly phone call.

I agree with the phone calls. See if that could work. Take care of you and consider what you want. Meet somewhere on neutral ground and hope for the best outcome. Stay grounded in reality. I wish you the best outcome, for you to heal and move forward in your life.

Jade

Bill3,

Are you psychic or what? Here's the original thread I wrote when all of this first started back in October of last year...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/post-...good-true.html

Lately, I am finally beginning to accept that while she has changed in some ways, she hasn't changed in any ways that would make it possible for us to have a real mother daughter relationship and I am working towards being at peace with that. The Little Me that so badly wants her mom is devastated and utterly terrified, but I am making a permanent safe place for her that will provide her with the safety and motherly love she so desperately needs.

That seems to be the best I can do, which is very tragic - more so for my mom than myself, I think. For now I am still talking to her once in a while, but I think she will eventually put me in the position of having no other choice but to cut all ties with her yet again, except this time, it will be permanent. If I keep trying, I am only hurting myself and giving her the power over me she seems to crave.

Thanks for your input.

WW