[kellysjelly]

Hi. I'm new here. I am struggling a bit with some feelings right now. I was diagnosed with PTSD just recently.
I was kidnapped & raped in January of 2014. My attacker wasn't prosecuted. I became pregnant from the attack & had an abortion. I struggled with intense hatred for my attacker, I isolated myself, & I gained 25 lbs since this past January. The anniversary of the attack was very difficult for me. Since finding a therapist I like three months ago, I have made a lot of progress. I have begun leaving the house socially again, although I don't really want to most of the time. I am working at extending my boundaries, letting myself feel uncomfortable so that I can resume life in a more normal fashion. I used to carry a gun with me at all times, & now I restrict when I carry. I am still extremely hypervigilant, & I get very frustrated & embarrassed by my crazy reactions to touch & being surprised. I know people probably think I'm crazy when I jump out of my skin over....a car engine starting, for example. I sometimes see my attacker in public, & it is extremely unsettling for me. Sometimes I'm ok again quickly, sometimes I am upset for hours. I have recently acknowledged that some things from my childhood have had an impact on my adult life, & these are also very upsetting to me.
I am a normal person. I have a job, & two children. I am hoping that at some point I can trust people again, because I don't right now. I can't let anyone near me, I am afraid of homeless people, strangers, men, scary looking women, pretty much anyone who I don't know that I can trust. I'm withdrawn, & I don't want to risk my safety or well being at ALL, but I still yearn for companionship, & a partner. That is impossible right now, because I can't take the risk emotionally or physically.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I'm glad you're doing a little better since seeing a therapist. Welcome to PC.