[aebb2802]

Hi all
I want to start by excusing my grammar, but English is not my native language so bear with me.
I am 47yrs old woman and I am dealing with post traumatic disorder, but my life is just a one big mess of the effects of my traumatic life events that has happened to me.

I´ve been reading so much on these forums here since I´ve joined and all of a sudden I wanted to share with you the trauma that has affected my life and change me in so many ways.
Hopefully someone reads this but if not then just writing about it has helped me.
I am shaped more from the pieces of these events than from anything else that has happened.

I lived in a very small town with only around 1000 residents and I was born and raised there and all my family, both on my mother and father's side is from this town.
My childhood was bright, secure and happy, until I was nearly 12yrs old then my father who was a fisherman on his own boat but he was one of six crew members on board.
They were on their way home after a fishing trip, but then something happened to the boat and ships near by got an emergency call from them where someone called "come immediately we are sinking" and within 4 minutes from the that call the boat disappear on the radar.
They all died this night and the remains and during a long and big search only the remains of one of them was found but they never found my father.

Every single person in the town was in a state of disbelief over what has happened.
Sometimes when trying to escape my grief during this time I found it hard to flea even for few minutes, but all this grieve around me made it impossible.
I could feel and see how deeply people empathized with me and everybody were grieving the loss of these men and the town was in a state of shock for a long time.

The year went by and I can hardly remember much of this winter.
when a year had passed my mother met a new man and fell in love with him
He was a lawyer and he was from the city which was quite far away.

I had only been to the city twice in these 13 years I had lived.
16 months after the death of my father we moved to the city, leaving it all behind.
My mother was also born and raised in this town and had lived there all her life but she was 39 years old.
My life were there as well also all my friends .
Everything I had and everything I had ever known was gone.

She stayed with him for three years and in constant fear, he was more drunk than sober and sometimes many weeks in a row and I had to call the police often because he was hitting my mother.
I was transformed from the innocent sweet girl into a wild, traumatized uncontrollable teenage girl at this point in my life.

After they seperated, we stayed in the city and we never moved back home, our life was a complete opposite of all we had ever known.

I was 17yrs old when I fell in love with a very good boy and I started a relationship with him and then 7 months later we got into a horrible car accident .
In the car with me and him were three of his best friends.
One of them died in this crash and my boyfriend which drove the car was so injured that he is paralysed for life the other two had broken bones and other severe injury.
I did not get any visible scratches, but mentally I was very hurt, I was with conscious at the scene of the accident and saw all the horror it contained.
The year went by and I was a nervous wreck with all kinds of symptoms of traumatic stress disorder and it took a long time to heal if it ever did.

When I was nearly 19yrs old I was asked by a model agency to compete in some modelling competition that would give the winner of it a contract with one of the best model agencies in Paris
I had never thought about a modelling career that was more of a city girl type of dream.

I went into this modelling competition mostly because of the outside pressure from from family and friends and to my surprise, I won the competition, which meant that I had now a modeling contract with this agency in Paris.
I had never been abroad before, so everything about this scared me.
And within 2 months I was on my way to Paris and again everything was strange and different from what I´ve known before.
I was all alone with my broken soul in a desperate need of some kind of help.
This carrier lasted two years before I gave up because I hated this work and never learned to like it and also this was so much struggle and I was so broken and so lost in my life. These two years stripped me of all of the little security I had left inside me.
I cried myself to sleep nearly every night.
At this point my life I overstepped a threshold regarding traumatic events in my life so far.
I was so afraid and insecure that I began to build up a personality inside me to protect and defend me.

This personality I made up inside me (behavior describes it better) was not as innocent and scared as I was and it stayed with me for the next 20 years and caused me a lot of trouble, I tried to stop it both by myself and with help from psychiatrists but without success, it was like I had no control over this, then all of a sudden 20 years later I stopped unconsciously and didn´t notice it until later.

To end this now so I won't take up more of your time then I have been dealing with many other serious matters some related to this behaviour I took up for these 20 years but there is one matter that I like to add to this because it affected me so much and for so long and that is my childless life and marriage, but I could not have children and no one knows why I tried for 20 years before I had to give up.
Having a child was my life desire, this was my number one in life. How was I going to live without this I asked myself, but I didn´t know.
I had 2 ectopic pregnancies and the first one nearly killed me and two unsuccessful IVF treatments.
Three years ago I knew I had now only two options left and either I had to accept the fact of never having children and keep on living or spend the rest of my life bitter about this.
So I stopped hoping.
Somehow I have accepted this at least I think so or perhaps I just suppressed it deep down, but it feels like I have made some kind of peace with this.
I also lost during this time all connections with my friends when they started their family, it felt like I didn´t fit in anymore and I am sure that they felt it too so we drifted apart.

This is just the highlights of my life and the trauma I have faced, I will always deal with the implications because of this, cause this has shaped me to what I am today and what am I? I don´t know, maybe I am just a big tangle from the crisis in my life
I just wanted to share this with someone, somewhere, but I wished I could have expressed myself better, but I don't want to have this too long and again the language makes it harder for me as well.
But just to share this even though no one will read this made me reflect deeper about this and also crying my eyes out and that always helps.

Thank you very much for your time and your interest in my life story.
I have never posted about this online apart from my childless life to get support and I think that it has something to do with writing and expressing myself in another language but somehow I felt a strong need to share this here.

[Open Eyes]

Hi (((aebb2802))), you certainly have experienced some life challenges that were traumatic. I think you did a good job telling your story in english which is not your native language.

Telling one's story is good, it gives you a chance to "grieve" whatever you feel you lost in your life.

Have you had a chance to see a therapist?

Are you married? Are you back living where you grew up?

Welcome to PC and the PTSD forums, you are welcome to share whenever you need to, even if you just need some

OE

[aebb2802]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi (((aebb2802))), you certainly have experienced some life challenges that were traumatic. I think you did a good job telling your story in english which is not your native language.

Telling one's story is good, it gives you a chance to "grieve" whatever you feel you lost in your life.

Have you had a chance to see a therapist?

Are you married? Are you back living where you grew up?

Welcome to PC and the PTSD forums, you are welcome to share whenever you need to, even if you just need some

OE

Thank you very much for your reply open eyes.

I am not seeing a therapist at this moment, but I was.
I am married and we´ve been together for 23yrs.
I am still in the city and never went back home, but I visited three times since I left, I was there in sept 2014 but it´s hard for me and I am in tears all the time when I am there, but I love that place and it will always be my home in my heart.

Thank you again for reading my story and for your wonderful reply, it really helps to share with others.

Welcome to PC!

I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

[mixtape28]

That's a lot of rough stuff but I have to say you come off well adjusted until you speak of things that are bothering you. The common theme being that noen of them are in your control. Which sucks. I know. I've created the same caracter that you speak of, as well as an extreme counterpart. The overly agressive and sharp tongued persona works well to keep anyone from getting to know you and therefore dissapoint you. The passive, woe is me makes you seem like a lost cause to others who don't understand.
It's a balancing game that you have to play with each individual person. Every friendship you have will take individual work, thought, and care.
Regarding your want for child bearing...I myself am gay and have always wanted to bear my own children. However, what my step-father did to me had me scared to raise a child, so I choose not to. It's far too dibilitating to think I could mess up someones life the way mine was. You seem like you are burstng with love to give though. I know adoption is not seen as conventional and there is initial "rejection" to raising a child that isn't naturally your own. But I think it's something that millions find are just initial anxieties that don't really matter in the scheme of things. Is your age and health a factor in making this decision though? Absolutley, and do not make it lightly.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. Welcome to the forums. I hope you find some relief in interacting with the people here.

[aebb2802]

Originally Posted by mixtape28

That's a lot of rough stuff but I have to say you come off well adjusted until you speak of things that are bothering you. The common theme being that noen of them are in your control. Which sucks. I know. I've created the same caracter that you speak of, as well as an extreme counterpart. The overly agressive and sharp tongued persona works well to keep anyone from getting to know you and therefore dissapoint you. The passive, woe is me makes you seem like a lost cause to others who don't understand.
It's a balancing game that you have to play with each individual person. Every friendship you have will take individual work, thought, and care.
Regarding your want for child bearing...I myself am gay and have always wanted to bear my own children. However, what my step-father did to me had me scared to raise a child, so I choose not to. It's far too dibilitating to think I could mess up someones life the way mine was. You seem like you are burstng with love to give though. I know adoption is not seen as conventional and there is initial "rejection" to raising a child that isn't naturally your own. But I think it's something that millions find are just initial anxieties that don't really matter in the scheme of things. Is your age and health a factor in making this decision though? Absolutley, and do not make it lightly.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. Welcome to the forums. I hope you find some relief in interacting with the people here.

Thank you so much for your reply and input, I really liked it.
First, I want to reply about being childless for life and that is I have made my peace with the fact of never having a child and the adoption option is almost impossible in my country because of their strict rules about what people have to have in order to get itself accepted and all the process around it can take up to 3yrs.
I try to see the positive sides of being childless because it has some positive sides to.
Again, thank you for your input and I would like to hear your story if you will share it.
I believe and have heard it myself in people who have experienced more than their fair share of trauma in life, they often withhold a deeper empathy towards others and somehow a deeper understanding in life which they have acquired because of their trauma.
Hope I make myself understandable in English.

would want to know more about the personality that you created like I did and caused me so much trouble for 20yrs but I have never met at least not knowingly another person that is this way.

[Werewoman]

Hi aebb2082!

First, your English is great and you tell your story very eloquently. I don't know that I could have lost so much at such a young age and managed to stay sane.

A short version of my story. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad moved to another state. I saw him rarely after that. My mother was severely physically and emotionally abusive. She remarried when I was 15 to a man who, frankly, was more interested in me sexually than he was her. For the most part I was successful at rebuffing his attempts to molest me, but not always. Shortly after high school, I moved out but over the next several years, the abuse continued from both of them. I never told anyone and buried it deep inside me and for the most part, managed to forget it and got by alright. I went to school to learn electronics because I figured it was my only ticket out of there. My plan was to move away to another state, change my name, and disappear. Unfortunately, I never got that far, but when I was 30 I met the love of my life and married him. We have now been together for 23 years. Why he has stayed with me, I don't know. Around the age of 40, I developed full blown PTSD and I nearly lost everything as a result. I finally found the right help and slowly things got better. Now I see a therapist and psychiatrist on a regular basis and while I still have my bad days, and there are things I will never get over, I can function most of the time. For me, that's quite an accomplishment.

During my therapy, I created a child version of myself. In my mind, I knew that by forgetting all the horrors she had endured, I had abandoned her to the ruins of my shattered childhood. I finally realized the only way for me to heal was to help her heal. In my mind, I found a place, a burned out shattered building that was mostly just a pile of rubble. I had to fight my way through the debris to find her, and when I did, she was just standing there with this dead look in her eyes and tear-streaked furrows running down the filth on her face. Her dress was tattered and torn and she had no shoes. I went to her and picked her up, carried her out and since that day I have created a new place for her where she is happy and safe and no ugly words or toxic people will ever hurt her again.

That was a lengthy process, and I remember days when I just laid in the floor and cried for hours pouring out her pain and rage and grief, but if not for doing that, I would have died long ago I'm sure because I was just too overwhelmed by it all.

Oh, and I think it's awesome you live in Rekyevic (sp?). I've always wanted to go to Iceland. My prayer for you is that someday you can go back to your hometown and stay there.

WW

[CosmicRose]

I am very sorry that you have experienced so much tragedy in your life. As soon as you talked about your struggle with infertility, I immediately wanted to ask you, have you ever considered adopting?

I am so sorry about the way you lost your father. I can't imagine how painful that must be. Life can be full of unfortunate events. Life is so unpredictable. It seems like sometimes life can hit you with a hard punch, and once you stand up it hits you with another one. But you can never be broken. You remain whole, and your character deepens with each experience. You must nurture yourself and allow these tragedies to be the soil from which your soul grows. Just by being alive, is to be in a state of anxiety, because that's what survival is. We are all in the unknown, as if we are all walking in the dark unable to see the next step we're about to take. Sometimes that next step is down a flight of stairs, and we get very hurt on our way down. Sometimes that next step is onto a sandy beach and the feeling between our toes feels amazing. In the dark there is always fear but there is also so much strength.

[aebb2802]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Hi aebb2082!

First, your English is great and you tell your story very eloquently. I don't know that I could have lost so much at such a young age and managed to stay sane.

A short version of my story. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad moved to another state. I saw him rarely after that. My mother was severely physically and emotionally abusive. She remarried when I was 15 to a man who, frankly, was more interested in me sexually than he was her. For the most part I was successful at rebuffing his attempts to molest me, but not always. Shortly after high school, I moved out but over the next several years, the abuse continued from both of them. I never told anyone and buried it deep inside me and for the most part, managed to forget it and got by alright. I went to school to learn electronics because I figured it was my only ticket out of there. My plan was to move away to another state, change my name, and disappear. Unfortunately, I never got that far, but when I was 30 I met the love of my life and married him. We have now been together for 23 years. Why he has stayed with me, I don't know. Around the age of 40, I developed full blown PTSD and I nearly lost everything as a result. I finally found the right help and slowly things got better. Now I see a therapist and psychiatrist on a regular basis and while I still have my bad days, and there are things I will never get over, I can function most of the time. For me, that's quite an accomplishment.

During my therapy, I created a child version of myself. In my mind, I knew that by forgetting all the horrors she had endured, I had abandoned her to the ruins of my shattered childhood. I finally realized the only way for me to heal was to help her heal. In my mind, I found a place, a burned out shattered building that was mostly just a pile of rubble. I had to fight my way through the debris to find her, and when I did, she was just standing there with this dead look in her eyes and tear-streaked furrows running down the filth on her face. Her dress was tattered and torn and she had no shoes. I went to her and picked her up, carried her out and since that day I have created a new place for her where she is happy and safe and no ugly words or toxic people will ever hurt her again.

That was a lengthy process, and I remember days when I just laid in the floor and cried for hours pouring out her pain and rage and grief, but if not for doing that, I would have died long ago I'm sure because I was just too overwhelmed by it all.

Oh, and I think it's awesome you live in Rekyevic (sp?). I've always wanted to go to Iceland. My prayer for you is that someday you can go back to your hometown and stay there.

WW

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I can relate on the child that lives within afraid and stuck.
Hope You´ll be visiting Iceland soon.

[aebb2802]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I am very sorry that you have experienced so much tragedy in your life. As soon as you talked about your struggle with infertility, I immediately wanted to ask you, have you ever considered adopting?

I am so sorry about the way you lost your father. I can't imagine how painful that must be. Life can be full of unfortunate events. Life is so unpredictable. It seems like sometimes life can hit you with a hard punch, and once you stand up it hits you with another one. But you can never be broken. You remain whole, and your character deepens with each experience. You must nurture yourself and allow these tragedies to be the soil from which your soul grows. Just by being alive, is to be in a state of anxiety, because that's what survival is. We are all in the unknown, as if we are all walking in the dark unable to see the next step we're about to take. Sometimes that next step is down a flight of stairs, and we get very hurt on our way down. Sometimes that next step is onto a sandy beach and the feeling between our toes feels amazing. In the dark there is always fear but there is also so much strength.

Thank you for your wise and beautyful words, I read it over twice because that.