[ladytiger]

Hello. I have felt like I have lost connection in life to things that I loved and just became a different person long ago. I was always the type who enjoyed people's company and still do. Other times, it feels like I am looking for the nearest exist and shouldn't be like that. Ever since my mom said between 12-13 yrs of age that she wished she should've smothered me seemed like something severed in the back of my head.

Since then, I wasn't the same at all that's traumatic to hear. I do go out and meet people it doesn't feel the same way before age 10 when it was no worries and have tons of worries now. I just feel so disconnected about life been reading self help books on my own try incorporating what I learned into everyday practice - still feel like I am not connected to life.

I have this therapist well let's just say she can't proceed with the therapy with the toxic environment I am in since I don't have enough finances on my own. Next week, she wants me to bring in a timeline about my life so she can see what's been going on not sure what's gonna happen next. She said you need to leave your situation oh really? Who's paying for it? Finding out by having PTSD has really taken a toll on my life makes things difficult. Hmm, I don't want it to overtake my life. Something is still floating over me not sure what it is.

I don't know but I do want better for myself. I am just venting if anyone wants to share their thoughts.

[CosmicRose]

I can relate. I was such a happy carefree child before the age of 13. After that age, the abuse got much worse very quickly and I morphed into a totally different personality. Very closed off and anxiety-ridden.
When we're in a tough situation, the only thing we can really do is find solace in the little things and enjoy what makes us happy no matter how small they are. Situations and circumstances will change - that's life, nothing can stay the same. So you will eventually come out of this situation you're in that feels like you can't escape from. Taking baby steps in the process is the best approach. Tending to your emotional garden.

[Open Eyes]

What you need to learn and understand to that very hurt part of you that goes way back is what it means when a parent says these things to you. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person at all, it doesn't mean you are not worth loving either. What it really means is that the parent is really lacking and that lack typically gets even worse once the child becomes more "independent minded" and is harder to "control".

If a parent lacks in their ability to "nurture" that will get harder the older their child gets.
This comes from how the parent did not get healthy nurturing themselves and began to develop some bad habits of gaining a sense of control to fill a void in themselves.

When an individual begins to struggle as you are now, it can be very hard to continue to live with a parent or parents that still show their negativity and dysfunctional habits they use to gain a sense of control. This can be quite a challenge if one struggles with PTSD because they never really learned how to develop good boundaries. A parent/ or any family member, even a spouse is going to continue "invading" boundaries as they have always done, for a person who struggles with PTSD, they will find themselves triggered, yet not really understand "all" the triggers but just "not feel safe', yet often find themselves trapped as you have discribed because they cannot financially afford to get away from the dysfunction. What they end up doing is try to "avoid and isolate and detach or dissassociate" so at least they can find "some kind" of space where the PTSD symptoms don't act up as much, because let's face it, we all know how debilitating and even painful that can be.

Your therapist is wrong, you still need therapy, it's just much harder because you are living in a situation where you are being triggered. You still need support, someone who can listen and help you slowly identify the triggers and help you to work on setting better boundaries. You deserve support even if you live in a dysfunctional situation.

((Caring Hugs))
OE

[ladytiger]

True. She said you can learn every healing techniques not gonna help while in that situation because it will just keep getting zapped daily. She told me I need to leave again where am I getting all this money? Why does my level of ambition has to be questioned? She asked why am I attached to them I said mostly money because I have a job that they don't know about.

Yea I still need support sure didn't get much from the past. I'm also tired of bombarding my boyfriend about this. Yea I want to leave but my finances says otherwise when I'm still waiting on this ft job I want.

[marmaduke]

As a prevoius poster mentioned some parents (narcissists) struggle when a child starts to turn into an adult, hits puberty and becomes an individual.
My mother was never much good. One day at the age of 11, she jumped up from the dinning table and came at me with a carving knife snarling spitting out how she 'Hated me' and wanted to 'Stab me through'.
The pure hatred in her eyes was shocking. I felt broken in two.

I was timid, complant, shy. What had I done that was so bad?

Its so hard when you are trapped in a toxic stituation. All I can suggest is that you hang on in there, dont argue, just agree with whattever, be passive. And plot your escape. Get away as soon as you can.

[Open Eyes]

That thought actually did come to my mind too marmaduke, that is what a parent with NPD can actually do. They don't like it when a child gets older and questions them in any way, they want "control" and they can get "very mean" if that is threatened.

[ladytiger]

True still not easy anywhere to get a ft job however I'm still waiting on the employer I'm interested in. Therapist says time is now remember your 5 traits. Time is money as well still takes planning. None of these transitional housing I even met the requirements not a mom or battered by a guy.

My parents are terrible narcos yet the outsiders don't see it as a problem. Forgot to mention that having a pedophiLe for a dad doesn't help how he feels he can walk on me while I'm showering or looking in my room while sleeping. He's coming back today and cringe when he's in the room no never been touched but still disturbing which is why therapist feels doing therapy with me would defeat the purpose.

[PrairieCat]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

What you need to learn and understand to that very hurt part of you that goes way back is what it means when a parent says these things to you. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person at all, it doesn't mean you are not worth loving either. What it really means is that the parent is really lacking and that lack typically gets even worse once the child becomes more "independent minded" and is harder to "control".

If a parent lacks in their ability to "nurture" that will get harder the older their child gets.
This comes from how the parent did not get healthy nurturing themselves and began to develop some bad habits of gaining a sense of control to fill a void in themselves.

When an individual begins to struggle as you are now, it can be very hard to continue to live with a parent or parents that still show their negativity and dysfunctional habits they use to gain a sense of control. This can be quite a challenge if one struggles with PTSD because they never really learned how to develop good boundaries. A parent/ or any family member, even a spouse is going to continue "invading" boundaries as they have always done, for a person who struggles with PTSD, they will find themselves triggered, yet not really understand "all" the triggers but just "not feel safe', yet often find themselves trapped as you have discribed because they cannot financially afford to get away from the dysfunction. What they end up doing is try to "avoid and isolate and detach or dissassociate" so at least they can find "some kind" of space where the PTSD symptoms don't act up as much, because let's face it, we all know how debilitating and even painful that can be.

Your therapist is wrong, you still need therapy, it's just much harder because you are living in a situation where you are being triggered. You still need support, someone who can listen and help you slowly identify the triggers and help you to work on setting better boundaries. You deserve support even if you live in a dysfunctional situation.

((Caring Hugs))
OE

Open Eyes, This is one beautiful explanation! It has helped me. Thank you so much for explaining how it works so well.
Hugs,
PrairieCat

[Open Eyes]

I believe you ladytiger in that while your parents are so dysfunctional with you, yes, they can play a role in society where people respect them or don't think/believe there is anything wrong. They know not to bite the hand that feeds so yes, some very toxic individuals can hide their true "bads" very well. Some are actually very carismatic in the public eye, it's amazing how people don't want to believe they could be a bad or corrupt person. If your father "is" a pedophile for example, that means he picks victims that he can completely control and typically with offenders like this, they pick the victims they "know" they can completely control and that is what their "true" high is all about.

People tend to wonder "why" they attract abusers, well, abusers "know" what kind of person they can intimidate and control, and typically it is one that will freeze or run, never one that will be strong and get right up in their face. Just for example, Bill Cosby, is one that developed a very "lovable public persona" right? Well, look at all the individuals who are finally stepping up to talk about his very "dark" persona and he always did the same thing, made his victims completely powerless. So many people find it so hard to believe that a man with his stature and success and wealth would do that. They do not understand that what he likes is "complete power over". When he can do that, it actually "calms" him because inside he is actually "weak and fearful and stressed" somehow. He could have NPD, or could be a psychopath or sociopath even but just developed a really good mask of deception.

People who are "bullies" and "abusers" do this to find a way to "self empowerment" because deep inside they are nothing more than "insecure and frightened individuals".
Many of these individuals were themselves, abandoned, neglected or abused. They never learned how to "empathize or actually see and feel others". However, it's not unusual for them to hide in places where they appear to be "helping" individuals that are struggling or challenged or poor in someway. They will even champion this because they are not threatened around those who are "weak". It is easier to hide amongst those who are in need, rather than those who are actually "healthy" and independent.
Their own families typically "fear them" and often suffer whenever this dysfunctional individual feels threatened. Their calm, is everyone elses "fear" of them.

You need to learn how to have boundaries so you don't present the very thing that attracts them to you, "fear".

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I can relate. I was such a happy carefree child before the age of 13. After that age, the abuse got much worse very quickly and I morphed into a totally different personality. Very closed off and anxiety-ridden.
When we're in a tough situation, the only thing we can really do is find solace in the little things and enjoy what makes us happy no matter how small they are. Situations and circumstances will change - that's life, nothing can stay the same. So you will eventually come out of this situation you're in that feels like you can't escape from. Taking baby steps in the process is the best approach. Tending to your emotional garden.

True. I've been taking baby steps for a long time it seems now I have sunken back into depression. I am still optimistic about my goals, but still having tears why the **** is this still taking so damn long? It's not helping me right now, but yea these pent up feelings trying to release them emotionally drained. I have been reading a book I got on energy cure I read a section on there about evaluating our relationships with people get rid of those who are draining you. Breaking down multiple times a day isn't helping me either yet the answer for me is clear but at the same time lack of finances is holding me back.

[Little99lion]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

True. I've been taking baby steps for a long time it seems now I have sunken back into depression. I am still optimistic about my goals, but still having tears why the **** is this still taking so damn long? It's not helping me right now, but yea these pent up feelings trying to release them emotionally drained. I have been reading a book I got on energy cure I read a section on there about evaluating our relationships with people get rid of those who are draining you. Breaking down multiple times a day isn't helping me either yet the answer for me is clear but at the same time lack of finances is holding me back.

Just wanted to say that the reason healing takes so long isn't a reflection on your inadequacies; it reflects on just how extensive the abuse is. Go easy on yourself... You need to focus on self care right now. When I start to feel impatient with my healing journey, I remind myself that my life would be very different if I hadn't been abused so terribly. The PSTD is THEIR fault... all our struggles stem from them. You're not to blame for any of the effects that come with abuse. The best thing you can do is find positive people to surround you and be your own cheerleader.

Also, with finances being an issue right now have you considered going to a uni psychologist? Usually the cost is significantly better.

Hope this helps!

[Open Eyes]

It is very hard when a person stuggling is living with individuals that can't empathize and instead tend to even "punish" when you need "validation" for how you are hurt.

What can help is learning about how these others are not treating you badly because you are actually "bad", it's more that these others are very uncomfortable empathizing and actually helping you and validating you as you work on "healing".

A way to think about this is that you are trying to learn algabra and when you go home with homework and need help, no one in your home can help you because none of them know how to do algabra. So, you need to find others outside your home that understand and can help you with the algebra.

Try to see where you are as "not a trap" so much but instead do your best to create a safe place to retreat to so you can rest and regroup when you struggle and need space to "calm down your brain". If you need to interact with the individuals in your environment do your best to remind yourself how they can't help you because they really do not know "how", and it doesn't mean you are "unworthy" of being helped. This will help you to slowly gain on learning to not only recognize that you may be asking for something these individuals are incapable of helping you with, but you can get your needs met elsewhere and heal and gain and learn in spite of it. If you are living with individuals that are Narcissists for example, then you need to realize these individuals are reacting to your needs with anger, not because you don't deserve it, but because they don't like how their lack of being able to actually help "you" makes them feel helpless and often reminds them of their own history and lack of having their needs met. Their responses of trying to somehow control you or put you down is "sadly" all they know how to do, what they themselves learned how to do to distance from feeling their own "emotions".

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[ladytiger]

"Also, with finances being an issue right now have you considered going to a uni psychologist? Usually the cost is significantly better."

No, why would I go there? You mean, in case if my therapist drops me all because I am not out of my situation like she wants? The State pays for my behavior health. What I mean by finances is living paycheck to paycheck yet people say I need to find my own place my salary is at the poverty line and section 8 is still closed but they are still accepting applications. I am gonna tell my therapist my ox is in a ditch, what do you want me to do about it? Still waiting on that full time job. I have been saying that for a long time I don't know maybe she expects me to perform miracles wish someone would offer more suggestions with a poverty line salary!

I go to coffee events with nice people yet still can't find myself being connected to people I am too quiet and seem to lost my ability to life.

A retreat? I don't have a place to retreat my "safe haven" is my bedroom where I have always been confined to for 19 yrs of my life yea it's the only place for me.

[Creative ToFu]

LadyTiger,

Do you like being in nature? When I was living at home in an extremely abusive household like yours, I found my retreat in nature. In fact I tried to stay away from home as much as possible, only sleeping and to clean up. I found walking in nature to be so peaceful and healing. It was like a sanctuary from being at home. Plus it's free in most cases. I wish the best for you and hope you can get away from the abuse soon.

Originally Posted by ladytiger

"Also, with finances being an issue right now have you considered going to a uni psychologist? Usually the cost is significantly better."

No, why would I go there? You mean, in case if my therapist drops me all because I am not out of my situation like she wants? The State pays for my behavior health. What I mean by finances is living paycheck to paycheck yet people say I need to find my own place my salary is at the poverty line and section 8 is still closed but they are still accepting applications. I am gonna tell my therapist my ox is in a ditch, what do you want me to do about it? Still waiting on that full time job. I have been saying that for a long time I don't know maybe she expects me to perform miracles wish someone would offer more suggestions with a poverty line salary!

I go to coffee events with nice people yet still can't find myself being connected to people I am too quiet and seem to lost my ability to life.

A retreat? I don't have a place to retreat my "safe haven" is my bedroom where I have always been confined to for 19 yrs of my life yea it's the only place for me.

[ladytiger]

Yea, this was during my very 1st camping trip in 2011 for 8 days which left me feeling at peace for once in my life other than that I don't have the survival skills to do it.

[Creative ToFu]

Is there a way you could recreate this 8 daytrip but with daily shorter sessions? I wouldn't suggest going on a 10 year camping trip, although it does sound kind nice. lol I'm a photographer and painter, and I love to go on walks to inspire me, to calm me, it seem being in nature can solve a lot of issues for me. To me, nature IS life and the only way I can get connected, is with nature. It helps with depression, calms my nerves, and I sleep better with a little of exercise.

Originally Posted by ladytiger

Yea, this was during my very 1st camping trip in 2011 for 8 days which left me feeling at peace for once in my life other than that I don't have the survival skills to do it.

[ladytiger]

Not at the moment. I do a lot of working out so that helps me plus getting me in better shape too.

[Open Eyes]

Good for you ladytiger, working out keeps you connected to your body in a healthy way.

[ladytiger]

I agree would like to add more healing right now training my body helps.

[Creative ToFu]

Have you tried yoga? It has helped me but it can be triggering sometimes. It does help me connect myself to my breath and body which calms and centers me. I can't afford classes right now, but I did just get a video from the library a couple days ago. I hope this help.

Originally Posted by ladytiger

I agree would like to add more healing right now training my body helps.