[Yrogerg]

Hello everyone, I have been reading about your experiences for a short while and want to share mine, I have tried a couple of times but triggered and had to stop, one of my exercises my therapist has suggested is writing down the trauma, so maybe this will help me, I will try and keep it brief and I apologise if I trigger you in the process.

From the age of 5, I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my stepdad, I won't expand on the latter but the physical and emotional abuse was daily, if I did the slightest thing wrong or sometimes even if I didn't, I received vicious beatings, I was punched, kicked, hit with belts, (the belt was used mostly if I was late from school or when he was drunk, and was also used as a teaching aid when he taught me how to tie my shoelaces) I was also made to sit for hours in total darkness in the under stairs cupboard, told I was useless and a piece of **** etc, I learnt to swim by being thrown into a lake off a jetty, and after I went under three times he would jump in and "rescue" me. I also had to watch powerless as my mum suffered the same violence, and later on in life my brothers, my mother tried on several occasions to leave him and we went in and out of women's refuges throughout my childhood, unfortunately she went back to him every time.
I obviously left home at the earliest opportunity and started drinking and taking drugs almost immediately, for many many years I had panic attacks, was scared senseless if I heard raised voices, I had awful flashbacks, extreme bouts of dissociation, and suffered with depression, though I didn't know what they were at the time, I managed to get a job as an apprentice structural engineer, but failed my weekly college course twice due to my inability to concentrate, remember formulae or focus in general (and the students union bar opened at lunchtime!!)

Years later I have managed to block the majority of my childhood memories and I have been able to get on with my life best as I can, I have two beautiful children, I have managed to secure a career as an engineer on the railway, I slowed my drinking down to social levels and stopped taking drugs, that is until last year, I was involved in a high speed accident on the motorway, in short my van was hit by another vehicle at about 80 mph, it hit the kerb and rolled over several times, sliding on its roof for a while, at which point I pulled my head towards the steering wheel because I thought it was going to be dragged along the Tarmac before coming to rest back on its wheels.

From this point on, my world has imploded, the sensation of being totally powerless is back with a vengeance and is one of the causes of my almost daily panic attacks, I have flashbacks that are so vivid, mainly of sliding along the hard shoulder with my head jammed against the steering wheel, with an overwhelming belief that I am going to die, I have started dissociating again, (I think I have been doing this the whole time and just didn't recognise it until my therapist witnessed me doing it) I can't sleep because of nightmares about the accident, and now childhood memories are returning too, I am currently off work due to driving anxiety and depression.

I thought I had beaten the heebie jeebies as I used to call them, but now I am right back in the middle of them.

Isn't life a *****!!!

[Quarter life]

Hi Yrogerg.

There are lots of good listeners here at Psych Central....we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for around 15 months. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. For those that feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums is a welcome distraction... a great way to have some well needed fun, and meet like minded others.

Be kind to yourself Yrogerg, and welcome to P.C

[Open Eyes]

Hi Yogerg, welcome to PC and the PTSD forums. I am sorry that you have endured so much abuse when you were a child, I am sorry for your mother and brother too. Your accident was so scarey, I can understand how it's hard for you to process it, our brain trys to figure out how to "control" our experiences and struggles when we don't have an answer so we can file whatever it is away with a "resolved" stamped on it.

It is actually "normal" that you want to stay away from driving a vehicle right now too. We are actually designed to react that way so we "don't" go near whatever endangered our lives until we have a better understanding of what we can do to avoid being hurt again.

I was in a car accident too, I was driving along, not very fast either and there was a truck in front of me stopped, only it did not have any brake lights or flashers on so I thought it was moving. Well, as I got closer and realized it was not even moving, I stepped on the brakes thinking I would be able to stop but the road surface was slick even though it was not winter out, and my car did not stop and I watched my front hit the truck as if in slow motion and the impact sent me towards the windshield and my head hit the windshield that cracked the windshield. We "think" we have more control, that the steering wheel is there and we can grab it and have some control, well, it doesn't work that way. I was not going fast either and was really shocked how much damage took place in spite of how slow I was going, and actually thought I was going to stop and not hit this truck at all.

Well, after that whenever I drove my car, even if anyone else was driving, I had to make sure there was/is plenty of distance between me and the car in front of me. I have to say that my husband really picked on me for needing that too, when he drove he was/is always "too fast" and he liked to climb up on the back of other vehicles. We had countless arguements over this everytime he drove and he totally disrespected my desire to have more distance between our car and the car in front of us. Then when he passes, he always climbs up on the vehicle in front of us getting way too close before he swings into the passing lane, and I HATE THAT. I hate how he treats me like I am a big baby and has been very cruel and dismissive and disrespectful.

My husband has ADHD, and he is ALWAYS in a hurry, I call him "hurry up quick" and I hate that about him. Yesterday being mother's day and how we were invited to go out to dinner with his parents ended up with me having a PTSD cycle, and the reason for that was that long drive on the highway to get to his parents house, remembering all the trips there where "he" insisted on driving and how horrible that long drive was for me, that by the time I got there I was so sick to my stomach and all stressed out. I did not know back then how that was "bad" for me either. Well, I ended up not going anywhere yesterday, he went by himself. Well, now I have PTSD from something else taking place and he finally was taken aside and told that I can't help that I have PTSD and he has to respect that.

I "can" drive, but I have to drive "my way" and that is "defensively" and I don't go fast or get close behind anyone either. I can definitely understand how right now you don't want to be in a vehicle. That is a "normal" reaction because you were traumatized in one and it's going to take time for you to slowly get so you can find your way to getting back to driving and gaining on your sense of safety with it gradually again. I am sure it's quite a challenge because right now you are having flashbacks and you have to take time to slowly get your brain to understand "yes that did happen but is not happening now". Your brain has to slowly learn how to once again slowly learn how you "can" be in a vehicle and be safe with it again. That really does take time and a lot of patience.

Telling your story does help, as long as you can tell it to individuals that can listen and also be patient with you if you need to tell it many times. As we tell our story, we sort through a lot of the details of the story or trauma that people who are listening don't always understand. When you told your story you verbalized a lot of details, that helps because as we do that we are slowly putting into place the entire story with how we feel about it, what took us by surprise and what we learned we had no control over. When a trauma takes place, we are simply caught off guard and yes, we are experiencing something we have no control over too. We don't have time to process it either, and that process does need to take place so we can get a chance to think it through and learn how to better protect ourselves. We are also designed to "sound an alarm" because that is how we actually survived as a species too. If you really think about it, we do consider different ways "traumas" take place, and we have been slowly designing vehicles that can withstand different impacts where the individual that is at risk has more protection so they "can" survive. The fact that you did survive is because there were things that were put into place to help you that you probably don't even realize.

Well, that is how our brains are designed too (((( Yrogerg)))). If we were not so compelled to remember and recognize things that "threaten" us, we would have never survived as a species.

When it comes to you finally talking about what happened to you as a child, that is important too. It's important because when different individuals talk about whatever they survived that was a threat to them, we learn that children do get "hurt" and we need to pay more attention to "how" they get hurt and also what to see as signs they are being hurt so we can "prevent" them from being hurt. We also need to understand why some parents are so abusive too, and often what we learn is that "hurt people hurt people".

You did survive even though you had so many threats, that you were treated badly and my guess is that treatment was from an individual that himself suffered abuse and in most cases abusers don't know "how" to parent and unfortunately they can take out their frustrations on their own children. When these children finally get to a point where they begin to slowly verbalize it, that is when we begin to learn. And that is what is taking place not only here in this forum, but also in many places in this site too. That is actually important because "you" have an opportunity to slowly learn that you are not really alone in being challenged. That when you "do" struggle, you have a place you can share that others will understand.

It takes "time" to understand and work on "healing" and gaining with PTSD. One thing I keep saying constantly is "patience' with self is very important. It takes time to understand PTSD and to slowly work through whatever you have experienced yourself that you need to finally learn how to make peace with. And "yes" people who do not have any personal experience with it do not understand it either. However, as we continue to seek help and talk about it, society will "slowly" begin to learn about it and there will "slowly" become some awareness of how to respect people that do struggle and even how to slowly learn how to prevent it too.

((Caring and Welcoming Hugs)))
OE

[cloudyn808]

I am very sorry you have suffered so much pain. Thank you for sharing your challenges, it's a great way to unburden yourself. Patience is key to resolving PTSD issues. Even though I have spent 30-years dealing with PTSD I'm always surprised when new memories emerge... I try to look at these "new" memories as "opportunities" to learn and grow. I also know that every time PTSD symptoms and memories overwhelm me, if I spend time with therapy and self love eventually, life gets better. Healing WILL happen! Treat yourself with extreme kindness and compassion during this time. YOU are worth it...

[Seqoya]

I am so sorry that you went through all of that.

I was abused as a child also by my step-father. Although I was a little older than you when it started. I saw my mother abused also.

It sounds like you had it worse than I did.

I have several mental health disorders including PTSD and a Not Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder which is also because of the abuse.

Thank You for sharing your story.

[Creative ToFu]

I am very sorry for everything that has happened to you. We do have something in common that our past suppressed childhood was brought out by a recent trauma. Our childhoods sounds very similar. I almost drowned when I was three because my mom threw me into the lake, I went under a couple of times, but my dad saved me from going under 3 times. I still have a horrible fear of the water and I was told since I was a child that I was stupid because I couldn't naturally learn to swim. It is harder for me to have been a witness to my brother and the abuse he got, I could dissociate mine, but not watching his. I struggle the most with that. I also feel guilty for his death because I could not save him from this abuse. He died 7 years ago at 36 because of the brain damage he suffered as a child. I still fear her, she still shows up at my door with a gun and has tried to abduct my kids when they were little. I will only have peace when I know she is dead
Life can really suck when these flashbacks and memories control our current lives. I have 2 kids too and they are why I am determined to heal and overcome what has happened to me.
Have you found a good trauma professional to help you? EMDR therapy has done a lot for me.

[Yrogerg]

Tofu,

I am sorry to hear that you have experienced similar experiences, it sounds weird but to hear that somebody else has/is experiencing similar emotions is kind of like a support, I hope you are ok? feel free to message me if you need to talk.

Greg



QUOTE=Creative ToFu;4461947]I am very sorry for everything that has happened to you. We do have something in common that our past suppressed childhood was brought out by a recent trauma. Our childhoods sounds very similar. I almost drowned when I was three because my mom threw me into the lake, I went under a couple of times, but my dad saved me from going under 3 times. I still have a horrible fear of the water and I was told since I was a child that I was stupid because I couldn't naturally learn to swim. It is harder for me to have been a witness to my brother and the abuse he got, I could dissociate mine, but not watching his. I struggle the most with that. I also feel guilty for his death because I could not save him from this abuse. He died 7 years ago at 36 because of the brain damage he suffered as a child. I still fear her, she still shows up at my door with a gun and has tried to abduct my kids when they were little. I will only have peace when I know she is dead
Life can really suck when these flashbacks and memories control our current lives. I have 2 kids too and they are why I am determined to heal and overcome what has happened to me.
Have you found a good trauma professional to help you? EMDR therapy has done a lot for me.[/QUOTE]

[Creative ToFu]

Hi Yrogerg,

Sorry for the delay in responding, but yes I am okay most of the time, which is better than a few years ago. I am in the process of looking for another trauma therapist. My last one I had for over 6 years and made a lot of progress desensitizing a lot of my trauma, but I had to move. I have more work to do, and I can only take one day a time.

I get a lot of flack from others because I haven't had any contact of mom since 2000, but she is a danger to me and my family. She should be serving a lifetime in prison for the crimes she has done to me and my brother. I have to deal with what she has done for a lifetime, so why shouldn't she?

How are you doing since posting? For my own safety, I don't do private messages anymore. Sorry about that, but am here to talk on the boards.

[Yrogerg]

Hi Tofu,

I'm glad to hear you're ok and hope your search for a new therapist is successful, I have had to take some time off work recently and yesterday was my first day back in, my anxiety was raging and I if it hadn't been for my new meds I think the panic attack I had would have been much worse!!
I would say try to ignore the flack from others, it's your and your families happiness that matters and you need to do whatever you have to to achieve it, and I know it's hard but try not to focus on the lack of sentence for your mother, use your strength and time on positive things, like your children

I don't mind chatting in public at all Tofu, I get a little lift when I see I have got a message be it in public or private. Remember to love yourself and hope you continue to have good days.

[Creative ToFu]

Thank you Yrogerg!

How are you doing this week?