[splitimage]

This is kind of weird. I've been su on some level most of my life. But lately, like in the past couple of years, my life has gotten a lot better. I've finished retraining, and am starting a job search workshop. I'm writing a lot, I've got a book deal, I have great friends. Honestly most days I'm pretty happy and enthusiastic about life. I've overcome most of my ptsd symptoms except the nightmares, but I can cope with those. I've even quit drinking.

My problem is every once in a while I get intensely su and just want to die. I'm not depressed - I just don't see any point in living.

I never thought I'd live past 30 and I'm 46 now, so I guess I figure I've had bonus time.

It's just disturbing.

Does anyone else find they go between major extremes like this?

splitimage

[Open Eyes]

Yes, that can happen, it's fear based where you probably have a moment where some deep fear of failure or loss is going to present itself. When that does happen it's important you self sooth and reasure yourself you are ok, and doing better and keep moving forward.

I struggle with these pits myself and when I get them I remind myself that while something may be threatening me, I do know what it is now and how to manage it better. Trauma is being hit by a sudden hurricane/tornado and suffering a lot of loss. Well, if we happen to see a dark threatening sky, we can worry and stress and feel fear, so we need to stop and say, no, it's ok, it's just some dark clouds that's all. Taking a moment to "reassure self" is a big part of gaining in one's ability to keep moving forward.

[splitimage]

Thanks Open Eyes,

You're right - it is important to stop and reassure myself that I'm ok now, and that most problems have a solution that can be worked out.

It was funny - I was on my way home from a job search workshop that I'm taking today, and I was waiting for the subway, and the thought just came to me - I could just jump. I talked to myself, in my head, and said you have no reason to want to kill yourself, this is old. And obviously I didn't jump.

It just bothers me that the thoughts come to me so frequently and automatically.

splitimage

[Open Eyes]

You don't have to be struggling with a MI or have something wrong with you to have a moment like that though splitimage. People have these thoughts randomly, it's just recognizing how we do have a choice, but it doesn't mean we will. I remember watching a documentary that discussed that, these are just normal random pop up thoughts, a lot of if not most people have them.