[wolfie205]

Do you ever feel like your trauma or your symptoms aren't bad enough for you to have PTSD? Despite being in therapy for quite a few years and being told I have chronic anxiety that never seems to go away, I've always asked myself if I'm making a big deal put of nothing. I tell myself that the sexual assault wasn't that bad because it was only digital penetration. That the other times were just undressing, he didn't molest me much. Locking me up wasn't abusive because it didn't leave any bruises and it wasn't for a long period of time. I just can't accept that I have PTSD because I feel like that means accepting that what happened in my childhood was actually really bad.

I'm quite high functioning and though I have no friends and I can't cope with being in most social situations, I have managed to hold down a job and get along quite well with my colleagues. It's why I often feel like my symptoms aren't bad enough for me to really have PTSD.

[kaliope]

what you are thinking is common. i have been there often myself. trauma isnt about the situation itself. i am trying to remember the exact definition, but it fails me. it is something like an event out of the ordinary that happens to a person and they dont know how to process it. that is why it is traumatizing. the trauma isnt necessarily that you were violated or locked up, it is the fact that you had no way, no tools to process the fact those things were happening to you. it was the way your brain functioned, not what was happening to your body. being high functioning myself, i find it an insult as well...lol. "im resilient, i should have been able to manage that! why am i so messed up?"

[WibblyWobbly]

I had PTSD 12 years ago and now it has come back. I feel like my symptoms aren't bad enough because I remember how I felt back then and this doesn't compare. But I know I have to face what happened to me so this will stop haunting me.

You can't compare the severity of your abuse to other people's. I did that for a long time and the truth is, there's always someone out there who had it worse than everyone else. That doesn't mean you weren't violated.

[Nammu]

I think the feeling of it not being bad enough is part of the PTSD. I felt that way although my story made seasoned therapist flinch. Part of me could acknowledge that others thought it was bad but I still felt like I must be faking it cause I wasn't falling apart. Somehow after I while I understood that it was ok to act normal and still be traumatized. You were violated it happened and you didn't get a choice...no matter what your missing nod might say it was not your fault, it was not your choice and it was a big deal.

It took a long while I had chronic PTSD, was very dissociative it did get better and when I had severe pain that required physical violations( surgery and spinal injections and a lot of people needing to touch me for valid reason the PTSD did return but I was better able to handle it.

[Shaly78]

That's common to seem as if this was another child that experience digital penetration. This is your wounded inner child we are discussing here. Is that you have problems with memories being closer to the conscious mind that it seems like someone else. This also kind of describes dissociation identity being removed from your thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and identity of what happened seeming like this child is separate from you. Your feelings need to evolve. What helps me is reading stories about others especially those you care about and kind of sympathizing with them. I think the best way to start is to get in your mind how you were wrong how illegal it is read about the manifestations that you experienced throughout your life. The more you talk it the closer the hurt will feel to you. If it is a case like myself, I had to start with my most recent memories as adult and work my way backwards so I was in for years of therapy. I've learned that my memories/indentity etc. are like in a protective fortress and maybe one day I will recover those memories from my original traumatize little girl. As of now, I just get mad about the childhood that was lost all of manifestation I 've gone through and try to be a protective parent until I'm no longer numb.

[ChipperMonkey]

Think of it this way....a child who is abused has a LOT more to overcome and deal with than an adult who was raped. (Sorry, but true...) Children have normal development thrown off track. Sometimes it NEVER gets back on track. I was molested during the time where I was forming my sense of safety in the world.....well, guess what? I never feel safe, and I trust no one....even though I've been working on healing for 5+ years now. Simply put, you can't go back and re-learn all of these developmental milestones that you missed out on. Don't get me wrong, adult rape is bad, but as an adult one is fully developed and has more tools under their belt to heal. Children who are molested get thrown off track, and its a bit maddening b/c you can't really ask someone how to get back on track.....you've gotta figure it out for yourself. Oh, and BTW, my childhood trauma was just like yours. And yes, I'm on the more severe end of PTSD.