[Open Eyes]

Most people only realize they're being bullied when they read this page; what is bullying, how to recognise bullies and injury to health

Many who suffer from complex PTSD have been exposed to these bully behaviors.

For myself, when I read the many symptoms that have been laid out in this material, I do suffer from pretty much all of them.

Last week was my birthday, all I really wanted was to have a peaceful day. It started out ok but as the day progressed I was challenged and my day became like so many other days where I had to work on having a deep conversation with myself to where I kept telling myself not to give into feeling bad that I was being challenged in toxic ways and that my day was yet another challenging day of trying my best to "manage" these symptoms that do tire me out.

This past year alone has been so challenging that my ability to focus on my business and trying to get work so I can keep up with the payments on all the debt created from my negligent neighbor, buy food and take care of my horses and ponies that were/are a part of my business, and pay for therapy, was yet again constantly challenged in big ways. I had to work so hard at getting through it one day at a time.

Early in March I was outside trying to take care of my ponies and I slipped on the ice and my right leg went out to the side as I went down. That hurt the tendon on the inside of my right leg connected to my knee. I was all alone and in so much pain and I could not figure out how to get up. Even though I was in so much pain I had flashbacks of when I suffered damage to my spleen that was hit during a colonoscopy, and my spleen was bleeding. I was told to go to the ER, and I was dissy and asked my husband to drive me and he got mad and basically said, don't be a baby drive yourself. I did stand my ground in spite of his being dismissive and by the time we got to the ER and I got out of the car and just inside the door, my legs gave out and I went down. He stood over me and got angry and got mean and told me to not be a baby and get the hell up. Right then and there I was being addressed by his Mr. Hyde. Suddenly, as I was down on the ice in so much pain, I was glad he was not there to yell at me. Somehow, I managed to block out enough of the pain so I could pull myself to the snow and off the ice. I actually can't remember how I did that, just that I did get on the snow and figured out how to use my other body parts to kind of crawl to the house through the snow where I could have traction. I remember how deep in my mind I kept telling myself that I had been in much worse situations and to be strong and try to ignore the pain.

When my husband did finally get home, he was angry as I had anticipated. I had prepared myself for that. Sometimes he is nice and caring, that is the man I fell in love with, but, other times Mr. Hyde is there and I don't love him, he is so mean. As bad as it was, I had to put up with Mr. Hyde and try to get Dr. Jeckle to help me feed my ponies/horses because I could not even walk.

The horses and ponies were all in because there was too much ice to even think about putting them out. Dr. Jeckle did go out and feed them and water them but he would not clean their stalls. So, when he was not home, I figured out how to use a cane, get out to the barn and do their stalls, even though it hurt like hell to do that. My inner conversation was, "OE, you can figure this out, after all, you did this even though you almost died, were very weak, you can figure this out somehow. Remember OE, you did this so many times when things were so bad and you were very ill, but kept on going anyway".

Well, I kept on having those conversations with myself as I did my best to manage the care of my ponies and horses even though it hurt like hell to do so. I kept thinking how I had to figure out how to manage it because soon I would have to work and that means walk and try to do so in a way that my customers don't know that I am hurting. OE knows how to do that because OE did that when she suffered from endometriosis attacks, when her achillees tendon was strained and hurt until it was so full of scar tissue that OE had to have surgery, but OE managed to hang on until her season was over so she could have that surgery. Then 10 days after OE had that surgery, OE's appendix ruptured and leaked filling OE's body cavity where OE got so ill her body was very weak and OE was beginning to die. OE remembers how weak she felt, how she said, have to go to hospital and the EMT came up the stairs, put OE and a hard board and that was so painful, but OE did not have enough energy to scream, so OE moaned and the EMT said, "Shut up, shut the hell up or no doctor will help you because you are making too much noise". Well, when one is that ill and is told to shut up and begins to believe she is doing something wrong by moaning, that is not good right? Next thing I knew I was on an operating table and being prepped for surgery. A nurse began to get angry because she could not find my urethra. I remember feeling embarassed and guilty and I can still see her angry face just before I decended into unconsciousness to endure several hours of surgery where they had to slit open my entire body cavity so they could irrigate all the toxins all around all my organs.

Recently someone talked about having surgery and how awful/ugly the area that had been opened up looked, can't look at it, it's so ugly. YES, I KNOW THAT ONE OH SO WELL. My advice is DO NOT LOOK AT IT, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, DON'T LOOK AT IT, because it's easier that way. I think that should be the advice given when someone has a surgery that leaves them with such an awful looking invasion.

After I had that surgery, I did not know that it was uncertain if I would survive still. I think it is wise not to tell a patient that, no need to frighten when already frightened. What a mess I was having that invasion on my achilee's tendon and that awful wound where my entire body cavity was opened up and was somehow stapled back together again, I did look so much like Frankenstein. I must admit that Morphine does help so very much. Unfortunately, they don't really tell you to make sure you enjoy that while you can because soon that will be taken away and YOU WILL KNOW THE REAL PAIN.

Under my avatar I have "one day at a time", well, while that is something I have so learned to live by, I have also had to live by one minute at a time or every two hours until the pain becomes unbearable but I have to wait until it's time to get another dose of pain medication that only makes the pain a little more bearable, I did get angry when the nurse was even a minute late appearing to administer that pill that allowed me to deal better. Then I had to get up when I had to pee because the bad was disconnected where I did not have to think about that. The other problem is that I could not even attempt to do that without the nurses taking off the compressor things on my legs and also putting on that big strange boot that I had to wear to protect my achilee's tendon so it could heal. The nurses always made it so clear how they were so put out by having to put on the boot for me. There was one thing I was so grateful for, as I hear others throwing up because of the anethesia, I did not have that challenge, and because I did look at that hideous invasion on my body cavity, I could imagine being stomach sick and throwing up and bursting open, oh so thankful I did not have to deal with that.

So, this year, dealing with this very painful tendon injury and trying to function, was not as bad as all I had to do when it came to having two pretty much back to back surgeries and having to work very hard at slowly healing to where I could go out and do jobs, and hide from the customers that it really was a challenge.

I have had big life challenges, and yet I did not end up having PTSD with these challenges. I did manage to be strong, and survive and each time keep working at my business where I built that up slowly and grew to love the ponies I found, loved, trained to do that with. That always seemed to ground me and center me, keep me going somehow. No, it was when I stood there and witnessed all of that destroyed, that is what brought me down.

It was being let down and treated so badly over and over and over again when I tried so hard to discribe how I was not only invaded and suffered because of someone elses neglect, that I watched it happen and the damage really overwhelmed me in all the ways that I can read about being overwhelmed that causes PTSD to happen.

When I read through this list of bully behavior patterns? Well, I have endured that behavior pattern from my neighbors and from attorneys, and it did not seem to matter how my neighbor continued to be intrusive and are doing everything they can to BLAME ME THE VICTIM, and they are being supported by their insurance company lawyers. One day while I was waiting to see my own lawyer who was also failing me because he was mentally declining but was refusing to retire and acknowledge that he should retire. I picked up a pamplet and read all about how the opposing attorney would prolong any kind of settlement in and effort to make the plaintiff so weary that they either give up or settle for a very small sum. It even discribed that offers of a settlement usually take place just before the holidays because that is typically when people need money the most. That's true, the holidays are awful now because I am in so much debt and the PTSD along with all the challenges I have endured in this legal battle have really made it hard to just make the minimum to survive, nothing there to even think of buying any kind of gifts.

All of this, and I have not gotten to WHY my birthday was such a challenge. I need a break, a time out, and try to make an effort to get back to that part.

[Skeezyks]

Thank you for sharing your struggles, Open Eyes, as well as for the link to that interesting bullying website. It sounds like you have known some extremely difficult times. I hope that, in the end, you were able to find some of the peace you longed for on your birthday.

[Open Eyes]

Thank you Skeezyks. I saw that information and it brought so much up. Then I got too tired to continue to where I could talk about why my Birthday was such a challenge.

I am in a situation right now that is triggering me a lot and I can see the bully tactics discribed in that information that is being used. I have to get through a situation and it's so difficult and triggering. It is tiring me out.