[Focus62]

I'm so indescribably tired... I can't deal with these nightmares and flashbacks anymore. They've worn me down to the point where I can hardly function. Every single day is becoming a struggle, even on not-so-bad days, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. How does anyone live like this? I swing from being numb for the majority of my life to being so overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and even loneliness that I just can't take it anymore. This is hopeless, I am hopeless.

I feel so isolated from others, I can't connect with anyone. Does anybody else feel like that? You try so hard to maintain some semblance of a friendship, but all those people can be to you are acquaintances because you just can't connect on any sort of level. It's like we ventured too far into the forest and can't find our way back out again...everybody else just teeters on the edge of that forest, knowing there is more but living in blissful innocence. Something ate all the bread crumbs I dropped...I am lost and alone here.

[sub-dural]

Yes.

It is terribly isolating and alone. Social events, gatherings, going out.. you can't even "act." I'm the one outside smoking alone, having to take breaks from the normalcy surrounding me.

I don't know the answer to this. Some close friends that have in-depth knowledge about my life seem to run this thread of optimism. I've asked them to please stop. You try and keep trying and try again but everything around you fell apart years ago and you were never equipped with the faculties to build anything back again. You just have nothing. You never had anything. I talk about optimism because right now I'm struggling to get off of a benzo that I've relied upon for years to help me, despite it's quite alarming cognitive and physical effects. "It will be better, just wait." I don't understand what better is. Without the benzo I go back to what? Nothing.

I do not understand the drive to wake up every day to begin with. I don't mind going to work. I feel safe there (it's quite a familial environment for me). But otherwise I don't know why. I'm sorry you go through this also.