[justkeepfighting]

Hi,
I have heard that often people with PTSD try to avoid situations that could trigger them. But I have almost the opposite problem. Whenever I am having a bad day I want to look up stuff about my mother's killer on the internet and get as much immersed as possible. I know that this will most likely lead to me getting anxiety, self harming and having nightmares but I still do it. It's almost like I have to try to get as close to the event and people as possible but I don't even know why, like I don't have any rational reason for it. It's obviously bad for me. Does anyone have any experience with something similar?

Edit: I wasn't sure if mentioning self harm required a trigger icon, but I put it there just in case.

[avlady]

i have PTSD, and i also feel the need to go over in my mind the things that trigger me. i don't know why either. it is awful experiences, i just don't want to forget them, they are like bad friends that i keep going back to. i need to remember in case anyone asks me about my problem or why i am the way i am. i do shake alot psysically and need to remember why.

[MelloJoy]

I think it may be because it's what we know. It's what define us in a way. Especially when we are having "bad times". We go back to what made us that way, looking for the "why". Trying to understand. All of those questions and memories bring triggers and causes us more pain.

[DesigningWoman]

Absolutely this happens. I unconsciously tried to replicate the circumstances of my assault years later. I was horrified and ashamed. When I realized what I was doing.
My therapist who has specialized in PTSD for years said it's common to do that to try and feel control. She said the best thing I could do was focus on healthier ways to feel control.

[88Butterfly88]

I have PTSD. For me I feel the need to be on guard all the time in case something triggering happens. Maybe you looking up this stuff is a way for you to be on guard? Just my experience, it's different for everyone.

[baseline]

Lately I have been using the similar trauma of my past to self harm. I act out similar situations with strangers to feel the pain I believe I deserve. I want to tell T but I don't know how, its something that has been going on recently after a very stressful and painful month. It leaves me ashamed and afraid and somehow relieved. I don't know why I am doing this but I need relief from painful memories and stress.

[DesigningWoman]

I know it sounds trite. But in therapy, I try to open my mouth and start saying it. Just start talking.
When I over prepare (plan my words, what she might say in response) I scare myself, feel ashamed, and wind up lying.
No therapist can help you if you keep your pain and behavior from him or her. Trying to keep secrets, to hold onto shame will only hurt you long run.
When I told my therapist, J, what I thought was my darkest shame, she wasn't grossed out or condemned me. Quite the opposite, she said that after what I had experienced and the PTSD combined with bipolar that what I was doing was actually expected. It wasn't healthy. But that's why we work in therapy to get healthier. I walked out of her office, feeling healthier already and relieved. I wasn't carrying all that awfulness by myself anymore. I am going to keep working and my load will get lighter.

[Open Eyes]

You are trying to find some closure when you do this ((justkeepfighting)). When an individual is being tried for taking the life of someone, the family of the victims are there because they too need some sense of closure and at the end they get to talk about what the loss of their loved one meant to them in front of the individual who took that loved one's life.

[monkeybrains21]

sadly i do the same. also sadly i for some reason cant call them flashbacks and dont think i deserve any help cuz it was all my fault.