[Fedelmid]

Warnings: Contains mentions of violence and death.

I feel trapped in my own mind because I can't stop thinking about someone I don't want to think about. To make things simple, the facts are these:

• A few years ago, a person I genuinely thought was a friend found out I had started dating someone else, and as a result, we are no longer friends. The falling-out lasted over a week when all was said and done, and they sent a large number of hurtful emails during that time. Among the things that still stay in my head was the line "you have been a terrible friend" and another friend telling me when I expressed a desire to try to repair the friendship, that this person was "dangerous" and "not someone [I] want in my life."
• [Literal years pass]
• A couple months ago, I saw a post on reddit from a woman describing an almost-identical falling out she had with one of her (male) friends and it scared me and brought all those memories back. I realized what was about to happen, was able to ground myself, and move on until....
• The very next day I saw a news article about a man who had killed his ex-wife 4 years after they were separated. That's when my mind just took this idea and ran with it. I was so SO scared, thinking that this person was going to show up out of the blue one day and hurt me and because of the actual events that lead to my diagnosis I was convinced that that was a real thing that would happen.
• I ended up actually looking up that person online to make sure they weren't physically nearby anymore, and that helped with the fear, but now I'm stuck with a fixation that won't go away.

The cycle goes like this:

Finally stop thinking about it -> Realize I'm not thinking about it -> Be happy about that fact up until I realize I'm thinking about it again

I also feel terribly ashamed when I have these thoughts around the person I love, because I feel like I'm being disrespectful to them by thinking of this other person while I'm around them.

I'm not doing so well and could really appreciate some advice. In the last two weeks I've even taken down some of the art in my house (art I really like!) because it reminded me of this person (just slightly) and I even considered writing them a letter to apologize for the things they accused me of being, because I think in some way self-flagellation will protect me or make this go away.

Any advice on helping myself get through this and out of this headspace would be greatly appreciated.

[Out There]

Hugs. Are you with a therapist? This could be triggers and flashbacks , it can all be quite complex. I would urge you not to contact this person. Do you have grounding / safe space techniques that you can utilize?

[Fedelmid]

Originally Posted by Out There

Do you have grounding / safe space techniques that you can utilize?

I do and I have, but they aren't making it go-away go-away.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you are having flashbacks that encourage you to feel fear. If a person struggles with PTSD, for some reason old situations that caused emotional confusion can come forward. The best way to deal with that is recognize that "did" happen, that at the time you did not handle it in a way that the other person felt ok with and for some reason, now that you have gained so much more life experience and maturity, you wish you could have a redo.

It sounds like you had a friend that wanted to have more of a relationship with you then just a friend. You have no control over that, what that means is the other person needs to get over the disappointment and mature more. It's not your responsibility to "mother" that other individual or feel guilty because that other individual was in some way disappointed and probably drew a mental map of you that could never exist.

You seem to be stuck in this loop of fear and guilt, acknowledge that and encourage yourself that it's ok for you to move on even when things don't go so well when interacting with others. I think that with PTSD, often a loop can develop around "guilt", it's important to recognize that, acknowledge how you feel and give yourself permission to accept that that one relationship just did not go well and it's really not your fault and you should not be feeling so much guilt. I know that can be a challenge, it was so good that you wrote this challenge out and articualted it so you can work on slowly resolving it. PTSD does present these challenges, and they do come on as a "magnified" challenge. You can get so you understand this and reduce these challenges gradually, PATIENCE is the key.

[Fedelmid]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

PTSD does present these challenges, and they do come on as a "magnified" challenge. You can get so you understand this and reduce these challenges gradually, PATIENCE is the key.

Thank you so much for saying this. I really needed to hear it. I woke up this morning feeling tired and awful, like I wanted to just lie in bed all day because I don't think in loops when I'm asleep.

I need to remember that this will pass. That I'm not in danger and that even though this is a thing that happened, that how I'm thinking isn't permanent.

Thank you.