[Smurfette77]

It's hard for me to understand and accept that I have PTSD as I am so embarrassed about what happened to me. The trauma that I experienced was when I was young and I have never told anyone except my psychologist, who skilfully got it out of me by asking exactly the right questions. The situation I am in, means I will never be able to tell anyone I care and love. Not even my fiancé, we get married in 3 months.

Sometimes I'm ok, but when I am feeling particularly vulnerable and my behaviours are destructive and unmanageable (the last 12 months), I feel completely alone. It's such a vicious cycle the worse I feel, the worse my behaviours become...the less willing I am to help myself.

[LittleLeah]

HUGS!!

I was in a similar position as you when it comes to not feeling able to share with my significant other. Eventually I wasn't able to hide the PTSD from him anymore and I shared a little bit of the trauma with him. It wasn't until we were married and ***** really hit the fan that he now knows a lot more. And honestly, even though it was extremely embarrassing, it was also freeing. It was easier for him to have the context and understand why I'd react a certain way. And it was easier on me to no longer have to hide it. But I will say that it does take a toll on our relationship. It's like my trauma is the obnoxious third wheel in our relationship.

I don't know if anything I said helps but know that you are not alone.

[Smurfette77]

Originally Posted by LittleLeah

HUGS!!

I was in a similar position as you when it comes to not feeling able to share with my significant other. Eventually I wasn't able to hide the PTSD from him anymore and I shared a little bit of the trauma with him. It wasn't until we were married and ***** really hit the fan that he now knows a lot more. And honestly, even though it was extremely embarrassing, it was also freeing. It was easier for him to have the context and understand why I'd react a certain way. And it was easier on me to no longer have to hide it. But I will say that it does take a toll on our relationship. It's like my trauma is the obnoxious third wheel in our relationship.

I don't know if anything I said helps but know that you are not alone.

Thank you soon much!!! It's nice to hear the 'not alone' part from another survivor of trauma. In everything I read, it always mentions how I am not alone as an individual but it always seems patronising and makes me angry. But you are honestly the first person who understands a little and gets it. I may one day tell my fiancé but I can't see it happening unless I actually have to. It would make everything easier (with him getting me) if I told him, but the damage it would do....I can't even imagine it!! I also fear the whole third wheel element of the relationship.

Thank you again. I so appreciate your reply!!! xx

[Ceara1010]

I'm embarrassed, too, and feel stigmatized.

To make matters worse, one of the things that happened to me--stalking--is often something people with schizophrenia think is happening to them, but it isn't--it's a common schizophrenic delusion. Because of this, I was initially misdiagnosed as schizophrenic.

People saying what happened to me was all a delusion was even more traumatizing for me, and it made me feel more stigmatized.

Even though my T, and Pdoc, and my sister, now believe I was not/am not delusional about this, I still rarely talk about it to anyone else, even here at PC. In fact, I only just told my story for the first time a few minutes ago in a reply to someone else's thread here.

--Ceara1010

[Smurfette77]

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

I'm embarrassed, too, and feel stigmatized.

To make matters worse, one of the things that happened to me--stalking--is often something people with schizophrenia think is happening to them, but it isn't--it's a common schizophrenic delusion. Because of this, I was initially misdiagnosed as schizophrenic.

People saying what happened to me was all a delusion was even more traumatizing for me, and it made me feel more stigmatized.

Even though my T, and Pdoc, and my sister, now believe I was not/am not delusional about this, I still rarely talk about it to anyone else, even here at PC. In fact, I only just told my story for the first time a few minutes ago in a reply to someone else's thread here.

--Ceara1010

Wow!! Well done for having that breakthrough! I can't even comprehend going through what you have gone through. That would have been horrendous having people believe different to the reality. On top of already having to deal with another trauma...Massive hugs!!

I'm still petrified to whisper a word of mine, I'm perfectly happy not identifying to the trauma, just as 'it'. I don't know when I'll be ready to do that. It's small steps for me!! I'm having a reflective evening tonight...as I had a psych appointment this afternoon. It's crazy when thinking about the realisations that happen in these appointments, that help you to understand yourself that little bit more. One little breakthrough for me... I told myself tonight thats it's ok to have a few better days...I don't need to sabotage all my happiness. Finally realising that's exactly what I do.

[Ceara1010]

Originally Posted by Smurfette77

Wow!! Well done for having that breakthrough! I can't even comprehend going through what you have gone through. That would have been horrendous having people believe different to the reality. On top of already having to deal with another trauma...Massive hugs!!

Oh, it was awful, and made me much sicker in the process.

Possible trigger:

Not only did people not believe me, but they eventually had me arrested (the cop broke my hand in the process) and committed to a psych hospital where they doped me up on Haldol which made me so zombie-like I couldn't tell anyone my whole story. After a month, I was sent to a residential community for people with mental illness, where they continued to drug me into oblivion.

I started playing along, and quit talking about the stalking to make it look like I was "no longer delusional." This worked, and soon they took me off the Haldol.

Once I was lucid again, I began to gradually tell my story to my therapist at the residential center. At first she still didn't believe me, but gradually she saw I really wasn't delusional about this. Now she believes me about the whole thing. (But it's bruised her ego a lot because she's not the type to admit she's wrong.)

Originally Posted by Smurfette77

I'm still petrified to whisper a word of mine, I'm perfectly happy not identifying to the trauma, just as 'it'. I don't know when I'll be ready to do that. It's small steps for me!!

I left the residential center, and got a new Pdoc who I somehow had the courage to tell about the stalking, but I gave her a very, very brief version of the story--like, just a few sentences worth. This was all I could handle. Still, she believed me without question.

Now, I need to get a new therapist, and despite other people believing me now (like my old T, and my sister), I'm still afraid to tell my story again for fear of not being believed.

Every time you are invalidated, it makes everything a little worse.

Originally Posted by Smurfette77

I'm having a reflective evening tonight...as I had a psych appointment this afternoon. It's crazy when thinking about the realisations that happen in these appointments, that help you to understand yourself that little bit more. One little breakthrough for me... I told myself tonight thats it's ok to have a few better days...I don't need to sabotage all my happiness. Finally realising that's exactly what I do.

Sounds like you have a good T. I'm so happy you are finding therapy helpful right now. You deserve countless better days ahead!

--Ceara1010

[Michalx09]

I had a hard time accepting my diagnosis too. I was ashamed and denied it....let it be apart of you so you can heal. the more you embrace, the more you can overcome.