PTSD & Psychosis

*Possible Trigger* The title pretty much explains it. I can say that I have flashbacks but I also have something different happen. I get uncharacteristically paranoid out of nowhere and believe with every fiber of my being that someone's coming to hurt me. Now this could very well be extreme anxiety but it also fits the description of a delusion. On top of that, a flashback is a flashback, you swear it's happening again. An intrusive memory just won't leave your mind. Then there's what's been happening to me over the past five months. It's not a flashback, I don't feel like I'm reliving it. It's not a loud intrusive memory, because I see him. Physically, he's there. Staring at me and looking exactly like he did that day. Doesn't say anything, usually. Just stares at me and follows me. That's easier to ignore than the auditory crap. The auditory usually happens prior to going into a severe dissociative state.
Has anyone else ever dealt with this with their PTSD? Is something else wrong with me? I just don't have the answers.

When you say "he is there", do you mean he is actually "there" or that you are experiencing a flashback that seems so real that you are back in time seeing him?

He's not there physically but I can't really call it a flashback, either. Flashbacks for me have a very distinct pattern that always gives me a strong feeling of dissociation, whereas this doesn't have that reaction. He just follows me around or stares at me through the windows. When it comes to the auditory, that could very easily be a partial flashback or something, but this just doesn't fit that bill. While it scares me, I don't feel like I'm back in the moment.

Hmm, so you are seeing him but you know he is not actually "there" physically. I don't know if that is a psychosis episode or not. But, I think you should seek professional help about it.

Definitely worth a professional opinion.

I have questioned this myself. If psychosis theme is always based on facts, previous real experiences, or rational fears then is it really psychosis or delusion? I think this issue is misunderstood because of the common belief that feelings of being watched, spyed on or people coming to get or hurt you (persecution) are considered a hallmark of paranoia, delusion, and psychosis. I am truly a paranoid person, but 99% of the things I am paranoid about happening have actually happened, or could be rationally feared based on what has actually happened. Unfortunately I have been unwilling to discuss the facts behind my fears with a T, so they tend to call it delusional psychosis and a feature of mania associated with the BP1 they seem convinced I have. Interesting that no T has mentioned PTSD to me yet, but in all fairness I change the subject when they ask if anything bad ever happened to me.

There is a difference between paranoia and hypervigilance. If you have PTSD you are dealing with hypervigilance which feels like paranoia.

Here is a link for you to read, it has a chart that shows you the difference between paranoia and hypervigilance. Keep scrolling down until you see the chart.

http://bullyonline.org/old/stress/ptsd.htm

I know that there's a huge difference and I know that it's most likely my hypervigilance on steroids.

*Possible Triggers*
It's just seeing and hearing him whisper in my damn ear that sends me into a tailspin. I'll swear to god that someone's breaking into my house, standing behind me and/or grabbing me. The worst of it comes when I'm sleeping. I suffer from a form of sleep paralysis and I can't move. Well, then a flashback nightmare happens. I can start seeing my bedroom instead but feel like I'm still being held down. It's scary as hell.
I know that it could just be my already existing symptoms being manifested in a different way and just getting worse. I think I just posted this because I genuinely feel like I'm losing it, sometimes.

(((So leigheas))),

Oh hun I am sorry you are struggling that way, I have experienced night terrors, terrible flashbacks, and have been crippled even by being in an evironment where I experienced trauma.

My husband and I now sleep in separate rooms. I sleep with the TV on for a couple of reasons. I like to find something I can listen to that I don't have to watch, and that helps me think about something else rather then fall asleep with bad feelings. Also, I like the TV on so if I wake up from a night terror, it helps me realize where I am, helps me be in the now, and gives me something to listen to while I try to calm down and go back to sleep. It also has noise so I am not listening in the dead quiet where a noise can upset me.

I have worked on making my bedroom "mine and a safe place" and I found I began to sleep much better. Also, when you have these strong episodes, what really helps to weaken them is to acknowledge them "yes I know that happened, that person was bad, but I am safe now". It's important you do that instead of feeding into it and letting it retraumatize you. Usually, if you pay attention these experiences come in waves, by acknowledging them and reminding yourself that was in your past and "not now" and that these experiences actually do fade away, instead of allowing them to get stronger, you are going to make them weaker and weaker.

I also sleep with a heating pad, and find that comforting and soothing.

Thanks for the advice. I guess the first thing I have to do is find a way to make myself realize that I'm not back there. I also sleep with the tv on but it doesn't always work. Once I'm able to realize what's actually happening I can start telling myself that I'm safe, it's just getting there that is difficult. Lately, it's just been worse and that happens sometimes. I'll go anywhere from days to weeks even months when my symptoms are more severe. At some point, it always eases up. I just have to get through this.