[0vertheRainb0w]

I am so tired. There are days when I have to constantly remind myself how far I have come. I used to stay inside 6 weeks at a time and have constant anxiety. Now, I can grocery shop, run errands, and the anxiety has decreased a lot, but not totally.

Sometimes my husband has to wait until I fall asleep before he falls asleep because otherwise I feel unsafe.
The little things, life's little stressors are huge problems for me. I'm trying to learn how to rebuild or develop coping mechanisms, but it seems like an uphill battle.

I keep wondering if I'll ever be able to have a regular day, work a 40 hour week, and feel "normal". Even to have some sort of career would make me happy.

I need to lose weight, go back to school, and eat better, but the depression and sadness makes me feel like I haven't slept in weeks and when I do manage to workout, I remember that rapist tend to go after shorter, petite women, and so I eat whatever I can to gain back the weight I've lost.

Sometimes when I see little children playing I break down and cry. They are so small and I can't believe the beatings I survived at that size and age. I keep wondering if my parents didn't see how small I was and how much bigger they were. They beat me so much...I've been told that part of my hip bone is slightly deformed, most likely from repeated trauma . It's the lifelong side effects that make me the most sad, and angry.

Recovering from all this seems like such a far away destination. I'm 26 now and I worry that by the time I heal or feel better, I'll be too old to have children and my life will have passed me by.
Sometimes I look at my husband, he's so kind, and genuine and funny. He deserves a happy wife, someone who doesn't have a bunch of flashbacks, nightmares, depression, and grief. He deserves better.
I don't know how to continue to fight this battle. I am so , so , so tired.

[MtnTime2896]

It's a really hard battle. One that doesn't feel as though it will ever end. I can't begin to tell you how much of what you said resonated with me. The fact that you mentioned your hip....I have the same problem with mine (I'll save the details for another post).
All I can really tell you right now is that I'm here and I get it. I'm a couple years your junior and am still in the "Can hardly get out and do ****" phase. I lost two jobs and dropped out of school because of this pain in the *** thing called PTSD. It's crippled me in ways I didn't know were possible.
Sometimes, I don't know why I keep fighting. I also look at my fiance and think, "He deserves so much better". At the same time, I couldn't put him through the pain of losing me. So, I've given myself a mission: It might take years or decades, but with my last breath I'm going to work my *** off to be that "so much better" for him and I'm going to be okay, one day.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Thankyou for sharing, overtherainbow. I empathize with so much that you shared. I have the sneaking suspicion that my growth was stunted due to abuse, and I also have a chipped tooth.

The thing that sticks out from your post is the "I'm not good enough" mentality. He loves you.