[SgtRock]

No, I've not been officially diagnosed by a pdoc. But a therapist years ago agreed. And I've done enough research online. Not at Joe Blow's blog, try the Mayo Clinic and the NIH for starters. I meet the criteria for PTSD.

It's true that you as a child gravitate to your abuser. I did. It wasn't sexual abuse. It was verbal and physical abuse.

I thought that I had it completely buried to never see the light of day again. But my effing upstairs neighbor triggered me. First time that I've ever been triggered. Normally people stomping around above my head would just piss me off. Not that night.

It sat me straight up in bed. I grabbed my head and started bawling uncontrollably. Damn near fell out of bed. I almost started screaming for my grandma to please stop. To not beat me. That I was sorry and that I wouldn't do it again. I was no longer a middle aged man. I was again that helpless 6yr old boy.

I was a bed wetter. And that damn stomping brought back the memories of grandma stomping down the hall. Of course the bed was wet. She'd grab a handful of hair and a cheek of my azz and rip me out of bed and slam me on the floor. Or she might launch herself and land in the middle of me. She wasn't a small woman. She was fat. It's a wonder she didn't break my back.

After that, she would have her face (red with rage) about 6 inches from mine screaming in my face. Screaming how much of a "worthless c0cksucker" that I was. I went through that every single summer for several summers. It was imprinted on my brain forever.

And now I have her twisted angry screaming face in my mind several times a day. Screaming how worthless I am. And I have started believing it (long before this).

The genie has escaped the bottle. As if 20yrs of depression wasn't enough to deal with. Now this damn demon has drilled it's ugly head into existence. The hole I had it buried in wasn't deep enough I guess.

[Open Eyes]

I am so sorry you experienced abuse from your grandmother. I know what it's like to wake up experiencing a flashback the way you described too. It's SO SCARY and CONFUSING when that happens.

As hard as this is for you, and I am sure you are angry about it, please know that even though you are a man, you ALWAYS had that child in you, none of us can really change that about ourselves. You deserve to finally let this out and as an adult man FINALLY help that child part in yourself "grieve and heal" this very deep hurt. Honestly, I believe that depression is a result of something a person experienced in their past that they suppress unknowingly.

Little children make mistakes, they can wet their beds and they don't deserve to be punished the way you described. Sadly, if a child is in an environment that stresses them, they are more likely to wet their bed.

This flashback may bother you for a while, not your fault. It's important that you acknowledge it and tell yourself, "yes, I remember that, it did happen, but is not happening "now". That will reduce the intensity of this flashback. However, you do need to work out how this contributed to a life long challenge for you as that is also present and it's time for you to finally work that all out so you can make peace with it for "YOURSELF".

[Open Eyes]

I just want to add that unfortunately the kind of behavior you are describing of your grandmother comes from how that generation believed that to get children to stop doing something you did not like, the child had to be frightened and punished. And those feet of hers pounding on the floor were most definitely meant to frighten you and she believed she was supposed to be angry with you and treat you in a mean way. That only traumatized you and what your flashback/memory is showing you is WHY you don't treat children the way your grandmother did with you, it just frightens them instead of help them "learn" and feel "safe" which would do a lot more to stop bed wetting. My older brother was a bed wetter too, but the reason he had a problem with that is because he was abused for struggling with something he could not help which was a learning disability.

[SgtRock]

The stomping is just the normal way she walked.

And my brother witnessed it all. Never once did he say a word to me. Never. As a kid or as an adult. So much for older brothers looking out for little brothers. Never an "I'm sorry", some brother.

The same brother that today is treating me like he has a stick up his azz. Don't ask me what I did, I have no clue.

[Pastel Kitten]

I was a bed wetter as well and while I was not yelled at for it, I was told to sleep in my brother's crib one night because my mom couldn't be bothered to change my sheets since she was sick of it

My mom scared me so much as a kid in general and I never knew what would send her into a fit of rage.

I can relate to the "stomping" thing. She did that too.

Fear tactics just do not work. I remember the fear but never what I did "wrong" and that's proof alone that it's a failed tactic!

I'm so sorry you had to go through that hell. Please just remember that you are NOT at fault and you are not helpless any longer, no matter how real and frightening it seems in that moment.

That little boy inside you needs to know he is safe. I hope that you can find peace within yourself.

I am so sorry that happened. My grandfather was violent with me when I went to visit during summers. Not abusive to my older brother, but a tiny young girl is who he chose to unleash his rage on. The worst he did was throw me on the bed, jump on top like a ninja and strangle me as I tried so hard to get out from under him. I will never forget his face, or the face of my grandma as she watched on in fear. Now my grandpa lives with my parents and I can't even visit them much because being in the same house as that man is too painful most of the time. My dad choked me with a jump rope, my ex husband and my brother.....all these men who hated me so much they wanted me dead. It's hard to move on from that, I must be really unacceptable for them to want to do this to me. I'm so sorry you went through this, that others have and that I have. How to trust people again? Will I ever be able to? The world abuses me like you wouldn't believe....the abuse never ends.