Guilt when talking about trauma?

I think it's human nature to need to talk it out and be heard and validated. Then, after that, is where the CBT comes in for learning how to improve.

Trigger warning below

I think you are right about this. I hope you are able and get some help. I need to share something I'm dealing with right now. When I was around 15, my best friend at the time, who I had known nearly my whole life and was like a sister to me, watched me being raped and did nothing. 2 strangers helped me and she wasn't even supportive after the fact. I forgave her, I figure the night was traumatizing for us both. 2 years later I confided to this best friend when our boss, who was a much older Asian man with kids older than me and my age in my grade sexually assaulted me in his office. I ran out and was very traumatized....my best friend called me that night and asked me to tell her detail what happened....I did and half way in his daughter (who my friend had listening on the other line) started screaming LIAR!!! It was such a betrayal and killed me inside. How could she do this? And why did I forgive her after that? Making friends has been especially difficult since, sometimes my paranoia about people turning on me is so overwhelming and suffocating. It's happening right now with my current best friend.....I feel she is not understanding me and is against me. I know it's from the past trauma and I'm working past it but I'm so angry I must have these thoughts to begin with. My old best friend got really into Scientology so hopefully they are harassing her to buy books and cast out those little fellers that scientologist are infested with

I've been diagnosed BP but really think it might be all PTSD related and hormonal. I got some medical test results back and have done some research and people with hormonal issues are often misdiagnosed with BP. This makes me hopeful but upset as I hear the psych meds I'm taking, which I tell them make me sicker physically, do make people with my issues sicker.

Thank you for supporting me everyone....I really need it right now. Shame does sound right Nammu....deep painful shame...not just over what has happened, but how I responded and all of my weaknesses as a result. I need to make better choices about the people I let into my life going forward, but I do need to let someone new in....can't stay stagnant forever.

What kind of a friend would do that? I'd be shouting about it from the rooftops!

That is the same question I have!!!! Screaming about this from the rooftops is not the reaction I had at all. I blamed myself unfairly for both situations and I think her reaction contributed greatly. I have several other "betrayals" from friends in my life. I just don't understand at all. They all had terrible lives and family situations but That doesn't excuse it at all. I need to get over this paranoia that overwhelms me....I have nightmares about my most trusted loved ones turning on me in a similar fashion and situations, and it's so real feeling and so painful.

I don't know about how the situation happened. But is it possible she could have misunderstood she was witnessing a guy forcing you?

My gf's and I had this promiscuous stage 'picking up guys' and fooling around with them, young teens, in the same room or the beach, etc... I'm imagining there could have been some misunderstanding in some way like that?

But if it was crystal clear to her what was happening, why would a friend just stand by and do nothing? Why would you blame yourself?

I had a date rape incident and I do blame myself so I never said a word about it when it happened. I stupidly went out with him in the first place, consented to go to his house, freely took a hit or two of a joint, vaguely remember (not consenting) but not even saying 'no'. I do believe he drugged me at dinner and that is why it happened, but you can see how the truth is foggy so taking self blame is understandable.

TRIGGER WARNING BELOW

I don't think you are to blame at all. I was screaming and crying for him to get off me....she knew, she knew. Then the guy was screaming "you're mine, I was inside you, you're mine" and a few strangers helped me get him off and I think they physically hit him. I don't feel like telling the rest of the story because I know that I will be judged for even being there, but that is not right at all. When my mother was around the same age as me, she was beaten with a heavy branch over the head, and beaten in the face while she begged the guy to stop assaulting and attempting to rape her. Fortunately he relented but the damage was done. Her best friend went to court and said my mom "wanted it" which isn't true....since my mom had been drinking, the judge dismissed the complaint but said he did not believe her friend and believed my mom but the drinking complicated things. It's not right at all!!!! I just dont understand how people think like this.......why I thought it my fault too. I don't understand at all.

My friend was very promiscuous at a very early age....I mean VERY. I feel this had something to do with her reaction but I just don't know.

ElsaMars,

I am sorry all that happened. So much about sex can be traumatizing. Of course rape is, the first time is, it is very confusing when you are young because you don't know how to react but it is also traumatizing when you feel you have been used verses loved. And when we have a negative emotional response such as fear, shame, etc. -- it is like the emotion from the experience is permanently set and we sometimes feel it when we don't really want to. I wish you could just forget it--I really do. The emotionally experience will ebb and flow. It is probably bothering you more since you posted about it. But it might help you think about it less in a few months from now. It is not your fault!

NOT your fault!

You may have gone somewhere that made you a target, but it was clearly rape. And she was definitely not a friend. I'm sorry you naively stayed her friend, only setting yourself up for her to hurt you with the phone call.

Well, you are smarter now.

I'm not any smarter now. I think I am sometimes but life proves I'm not. There is not one shred of evidence to support that I'm smarter now, in fact I'm much dumber. How do you get over that? How do I get over what happened to my poor mom? I'm traumatized by it all....by the betrayal more than anything. By the never ending cycle that cannot be broken because it's far too ingrained. I think I make better choices, but it always works out the same...every single time. Doing is differently than before but still the same results. People are disgusting and cruel and evil and that is the only lesson to be learned in this life. My poor young son will be eaten alive by it and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. I can't even begin to talk about my oldest boy and what pain he will go through. And I try, I really do but I just make it all worse. Which one did me in...which experience? There are too many and I don't know where to focus my anger so it sits with me, my companion and tormentor.

ElsaMars--You are feeling down on yourself and are emphasizing the negative. We all know you are not dumb. Some of the things that happen are not fair. There are people that will do things to you if they can get away with them. The scars they left on you are real, I am sorry. In my case, I feel like the drinking I did when I was younger put me into some vulnerable situations. Sometimes it turned out OK, othertimes, not so much. What made some situations OK and some not? How kind and caring the boy was that I ended up involved with. Mostly I was lucky but anything could have happened. I tend to look back and say, you sure were lucky that you survived without any real tragedies. But when people betray and use us, we should be mad at them, not ourselves. Knowing that some people are like that, Tisha is right, we have to take precautions to avoid being targets. When I am home alone (which is way to rare), I usually remember to lock my doors and my dog is by my side. Yet, if I forget to lock my door and someone takes advantage of that--they are the ones at fault! So I guess we can tell our children what precautions that we recommend that they take and hope that they listen to some of it and are lucky in life verses unlucky like you and your mom were. Though, if they sense the attitude that life is only about being eaten alive and pain, maybe you are modeling a depressed view of things verses a positive, upbeat take on life. This is not your fault. You sound depressed right now, I hope you feel better soon.

I appreciate your time and your efforts but I feel you don't understand (sorry, but it's true) you don't know my kids or what I model and I admit I find the implication a little unfair. But perhaps you are right and I've destroyed my children already and it isn't life that will eat them up, it's me who already did. It's not my fault but it is my problem eh? It would seem in this scenario presented it's my fault and my problem and not a thing I can do about it. Not many solutions to my situation. I can't cure any of this. Not my son's health, mind, abilities to function like normal adults. I can't stop crying and wanting to die. Some sick psych professional once asked me (when I was in the hospital, after an attempt) don't you love your kids? I feel your modeling comment was as harmful as her comment was back then. I really need to talk to someone who actually really gets it. Someone who is in my position or at least one that I can relate to. So I can be honest about how deep this goes, so I can hear them agree and understand and really get it. To not be alone in all this. To be understood instead of judged.

I know you tried your best and didn't mean to hurt me. It's not your fault, I guess it's mine.

ElsaMars--I am sorry if I made you feel bad. I am sure you are right--I surely don't understand fully all the complications and challenges that you face. I know I can be insensitive and possibly have a more shallow POV. It is obvious to me that you are having to overcome so much more than I have ever had to face. Believe me, I do understand a tiny bit (though I realize I don't know your full story) about feeling guilty in regards to being a bad parent. I feel like my children are not fully enjoying their lives/making the most of their potential and I feel helpless about changing it. After all, true change comes from within. I can encourage them but also feel guilty about some of the negative messages/bad examples/the stressful environment that I contributed to the mix. You are right--I did not mean to hurt you. I think I might have trouble helping because my coping skill tends to be numbing my feelings, withdrawing--that kind of thing--I have only cried once in the last 4 years. So maybe that is why it is hard for me to comfort you. I am concerned about you because when you post so much, I get the feeling that things just are not quite right, that there is a lot of pain between the lines or something. I do sincerely like you. I read many of your postings because you are so kind and sensitive. I wish I could help but know I can't but I really do care!!!

As far as improving my children's situation goes, sometimes I feel more helpless than I should. The power struggle (it always seems to be about the children) between my H and I can be exhausting. I get tired of it and pull back for a while but then feel completely guilty about some of the things I have allowed him to say without challenging him enough about it. I wish I had realized years ago what the dynamic is in regards to this power struggle. I did not examine my terrible gut feelings the way I should have years ago. Sometimes it seems like it is to late but when I am not as depressed I think to myself that I must have the strength to offset some of Hs traits or maybe the fact that we are not on the same page about it all causes the worst damage of all. Recently, someone told me (a person who gives very good advice) --that "the damage has already been done"--it felt terrible to hear that because perhaps that is the case but I have noticed when I give up hope about the situation--I become completely depressed. As long as my children are alive and I am alive, maybe something might change. I was so desperate when I attempted that I mistakenly thought money (a life insurance payout) could help. It can't. Happiness comes from within. Money reduces stress but does not make us happier once we have enough to meet our basic needs.....

You are in a lot of pain--your pain comes because you care so much. I really do wish you weren't hurting so much....

You are not responsible for how I feel. You know this and I know this. I know you are trying to help and I really wish you could. I'm sorry about your situation with your husband. I don't relate to much of what you said but I understand pain and I'm sorry you are suffering.

My family might be set for life financially...my doctors screwed me mentally and physically and broke me in more ways than anyone seems to realize or care....I just can't believe how little they care about it. It might not cure their ailments, but they will be provided more security than I have ever been and that's something....it's something good that will come from me in a way. Too much is Wong, the doctors have hurt me and they don't care at all. Now I may need a surgery and can't trust them enough to do it and I might end up looking like a man and nobody understands or cares at all. They think I should be grateful for all this abuse and torture. I don't understand and I no longer even want to try to see other people's sides. They can have there side and choke on it.

I can really relate to the guilt and shame. I have those same feelings when I talk about my abuse or really about any of my emotional struggles. For me I think it comes from the shame I feel for having been abused in the first place, as though it is my fault. Intellectually I know that is not true but I can't deny that my emotions tell me that I am worthless and that I deserved it and all the of emotional consequences that came after. Working through shame has been a big piece of my recovery journey. But I have to continue to remind myself that no one deserves to be abused and that it is never the fault of the person that experiences the abuse.

I don't talk about my wretch of a mother. She had this persona she created that the whole world saw the moment she walked out of the house. People loved the woman. The few times I have spoken up the reaction is of disbelief, that I just be blowing things out of proportion, or a chastising for speaking ill of my elders. This woman walked in some pretty important circles in society. It was as though here mere presence was worshipped.

No guilt about speaking up, just an inability to do so.

As for my rapists and harassers, there is a great deal of guilt. Guilt for having not said anything immediately after it happened. Guilt that I had done something to warrant it. Guilt that I had waited too long to do anything about it. Guilt for feeling fearful. Guilt that I am somehow less of a person or sullied because of the events. This guilt makes me feel undeserving of justice - or even sympathy.