[Unsure97]

Today has been really tough. Sometimes, I feel like I don't really belong anywhere. I wish I was a part of a family. I wish I had a mom to talk to during tough times or a dad to go to for advice. My thoughts snowball during times like this. I think about not having a family, then being in foster care, thinking about all the people who didn't want me. Then, I think about some friends we used to have and I try to reach out to them but hear no reply. I start to wonder what's wrong with me. Once upon a time, we sort of belonged in a family. Their love was conditional though. I tried so hard to make them proud and be worthy of their love. "If I would have known how things would have been, I would have never adopted you and I would have let you stay in foster care." These words pierce my soul. It leaves so much emptiness and pain. There used to be a time where things seemed alright. I remember how I used to think my adoptive father was a hero. We were really close. These memories are like a blur now. As a teen, I realized things weren't as they seemed. Something changed in him and something changed in me. His random angry, aggressive bouts started becoming more frequent and the love I thought he had was almost entirely gone. Somehow, I thought he cared. I thought that the things he did meant he loved us. I felt special and wanted. And, when it went away, I felt like I caused it. Around age 17 or 18, so many feelings started coming up. This was about 2 or 3 years after us being close. I felt like I was just a burden to my adoptive parents. There were times I yearned to be able to talk to them. Whenever we brought up our feelings, they would get upset. They would say we are not appreciative or we have no reason to feel how we feel and I remember feeling bad for feeling bad. Around age 19, we started sharing about what was going on in the home and how we felt. They would just tell us that if they are so bad, why are we still there. I guess that is a fair point. I just hoped things would change and we could be a happy family. A few months later, I did wind up leaving. To this day, I'm scared to talk about all that happened. I barely remember most of it anyways. I feel like I'm a bad person if I talk about it. I question my perception and I wonder if they are like normal parents or even better. A lot of times, things were going well. At least outside of the home and occasionally in the home too. We went on a ton of vacations, outings, out to dinner, had memberships to a lot of places, I was involved in swimming and band. Things most foster children would only dream of. The love definitely wasn't there though. Now, it's as if we were never a family. Christmas, other holidays, birthdays pass without a word. I email them for their birthday and that's about it. I guess since I know how things turned out, I wish I wasn't adopted too. The false sense of family is now in the past and long gone. I have amazing friends who are like family though. In the midst of despair, it can be easy to believe the lies and not be able to see the positive. I guess that's the time to challenge negative thoughts and turn to God. He has amazing plans and some of the greatest blessings occur during struggles.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Unrigged64072835]

No, not all parents are like that. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Are you able to see a therapist?

[Fuzzybear]