[Mouse_]

As a child my life was full of traumatic events. Each time I think I'm through with one thing in T another comes up. For me this was my life, so I just got used to it. Then I realise that people untraumatised would suffer the same fears and anxietys I have suffered if they too have walked in my shoes. This has been my biggest obsticle, judging my life to other peoples life and wondering why am I like I am not cool and relaxed like "them"?

When I was a child I was raised in an old victorian run down street at behind one of London's main railway terminals. Along with that comes all the events that come with living in such an area, prostitution and tramps and drugs and violence. This was my first experience of life and surrendings.

When aged about 10 our house was mistakenly targetted by a revenge gang and we were attacked on and of for a yr. Obsence letters, bricks thrown through windows, undertakers sent to us, Fire bridge sent to us and the Police said they were powerless to act because nothing was being sent in our name but in the name of the person the gang believed lived in my home.

A yr later someone must have found out that the guy they were after lived 8 doors away. The attacks just stopped. But my fears were there for life now.

A little while after this our heater exploded in the middle of the night and blew every window in our house out. Me and my mum thought we were being attacked again but when we finally reached the door we felt and saw the steaming hot water that was bleeding out of the bathroom.

When I think about this stuff now I remember watching the world during day light hours going about in slow motion and I felt stuck in a bubble of non reality where no one seemed to be seeing what I was going through.

I was just watching a Dr Phil prog were a couple were attacked in their home at night whilst they were sleeping, and they refused to go back to live there and the woman was shaking and saying how all her life have been turned upside down, her joy had been taken, her hope had been taken, she no longer felt safe anywhere, and Dr Phil said "you were present at your own murder accept you didnt die" I thought, yeah thats what it was like.

Until this couple had experienced this their life had been "perfect" but once trauma is experienced one is forever changed. I feel bad because I do feel angry sometimes at people that haven't experience trauma, I guess its envy too, because I want to live without fear and anxiety but then maybe I am more prepared for life now? I mean watching this couple fall the pieces for the first time in their life, I found myself almost struggling my shoulders and saying "welcome to my world", but then I also felt empaphy for them because I knew exactly now what they would have to experience on a day to day basis.

I don't want anyone to really have to experience trauma, but I guess I've had so many people tell me over the yrs to "get over it" that I am still trying to come to terms with the lack of understanding in the world at times.

[chalmette70043]

I know where you coming from Mouse. I too think what it would be like to have others walk in my shoes,to understand where im coming from. But at the same time, i wish this would never happen to anyone else.

Its just something we have to work through ourselves and something we will be carrying with us forever. Hopefully though, it gets easier as time goes by.

(((((((mouse))))))))))

[Cyran0]

This post really speaks to me because I too grew up in a world that was abusive.

Neighborhood thugs and school bullies made up my whole world. I felt the stigma of getting government cheese and donated clothes from the local church. And while my parents were loving, our home also contained a fair amount of disfunction.

And now nobody understands. When someone thinks of say, a school bully, they think of one person and one instance. They don't get that when dozens of these instances happen every day, it forever changes you.

I never knew where the next fist would fly from. I never knew what humiliation I would experience next. So now I can't stop being the outcast, the eccentric.

So thank you for sharing your story. It meant a lot to me.

Cyran0