[cptsdwhoa]

That's all I can do right now is sigh.

I'm trying to get a hold of how I feel, but I'm learning today that c-ptsd due to childhood abuse can leave the sufferer completely unsure of who they are. That's how I feel. I've spent so long looking for the approval of others and for them to tell me who I am that I have no idea.

I made some progress today. I love God and the Bible. I know that about myself. I remember what kind of music I like and listened to it again today without feeling guilty. I like Italian food, yum! I remember that.

I wonder if I will ever be off of disability and find something that I would like to do. I'm watching the movie Julie and Julia and it reminded me of how I used to love keeping a diary as a little girl and how I want to write a blog. But due to trauma around writing in my diary and my struggles to keep one over the years since the trauma happened...well I feel like I have nothing to say and no one would read it. Dreams dashed.

I really do like this site so much. I realized today that I stopped coming here because I struggle with a tendency to fawn/freeze as a way to deal with trauma. I learned that at Pete Walker's website today. It's me to a t. I "zone out" online as a coping skill. This site offers an opportunity to engage and receive and give support and NOT just "zone out". That scares me terribly.

I don't really know what I'm getting at here. Hmm, I guess I'm just struggling not to leave this site again because I really want to be here. My fear response is being triggered. I want to hang in there though. This site is invaluable.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I guess I just needed to vent. G'night.

[Candy1955]

Good night.

[BLUEDOVE]

Don't know if I'm right,but you may be in a deep-trance-state called
"Adult-Child-Syndrome": which is brought about by severe abuse.
The child 'freezes' when abused,and though grows physically,they
do not grow psychologically. Please try and stop pleasing people,
and looking for their approval; what that is,is the child in you still
trying to get approval from surrogate parents (anyone at large).
You may want to look the condition up to find out more.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[cptsdwhoa]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Don't know if I'm right,but you may be in a deep-trance-state called
"Adult-Child-Syndrome": which is brought about by severe abuse.
The child 'freezes' when abused,and though grows physically,they
do not grow psychologically. Please try and stop pleasing people,
and looking for their approval; what that is,is the child in you still
trying to get approval from surrogate parents (anyone at large).
You may want to look the condition up to find out more.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

Hmm...I will look more into that. I believe that's spot on. That's interesting because I do feel perpetually childlike. I always feel like I can't figure out how people do things...anything. Everything is overwhelming. I can't figure out how to be an adult. I still want...wow...basically a surrogate parent to show me what to do. In many ways I haven't grown up and still feel fifteen.

I have anxiety about public transportation and I literally fantasize about someone holding my hand like they would a child and helping me ride the bus and figure out how to be an adult so I don't have to do it alone. I just want someone tell me what to do or walk with me in life. I'm so scared of my grandmother dying (I'm realizing that I'm "trapped" with her...narcisstic abuser. She tried her best but alas my family is very dysfunctional) and leaving me to fend for myself. I literally do NOT know what to do if she dies before I do.

Thank you for this insight! I will look into it further. I will bring this up with my therapist when I get one. I'm literally typing in a way to try and get your approval and looking for a rescuer. Wow, thank you.

[seeker33]

I wish you all the best, cptsdwhoa! You're not alone feeling this way, there are more of us. Having a name to describe this issue is so freeing, isn't it? Now you know what you feel and why and you can work on managing it.
Please stay here with us, we can support each other.

[cptsdwhoa]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I wish you all the best, cptsdwhoa! You're not alone feeling this way, there are more of us. Having a name to describe this issue is so freeing, isn't it? Now you know what you feel and why and you can work on managing it.
Please stay here with us, we can support each other.

Thank you so much for the well wishes! I'm so happy that others are brave enough to reach out and help each other. I love that we ensure each other that we are not alone in how we feel. I feel less and less alone everyday as I learn the names to the condition I'm in.

It is it is! SO freeing. I'm nut a nutcase after all lol. Yes, I realize that I may always struggle with this. I'll have varying degrees of success (as I define it I suppose). But I can FINALLY learn to manage it. I will try my best to stay ! My biggest hurdles will be learning that I have support (and can give it), and that when it's overwhelming I can take some time without guilt. That perhaps I don't always have to disappear.

Thank you again...with all my heart.

[seeker33]

I'm so glad this was helpful! I remember how I felt about a year ago, when I finally discovered what my problem was!
Until then, I was absolutely sure I was just weird and incompetent. That I was lazy and weak. I also used to have "friends" who made fun of my anxiety, who literally bullied me pretending it was just fun and jokes and I believed them. I believed I was the crazy one! They persuaded me I was a bad and lazy person with no hope and I deserved to be treated so.
But since I've found Pete Walker and a good therapist I've made so much progress! It's visible a little bit on the outside (new activities) but the most magic happened when I understood and accepted myself. I understood my feelings, my flashbacks and that it's all self defense, that I'm not "faulty".
I strongly believe you'll see the same transformation, the same miracle in your life.
I hope you'll find a good therapist. Look for the ones who know what cptsd means, because not everyone understands.

[cptsdwhoa]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I'm so glad this was helpful! I remember how I felt about a year ago, when I finally discovered what my problem was!
Until then, I was absolutely sure I was just weird and incompetent. That I was lazy and weak. I also used to have "friends" who made fun of my anxiety, who literally bullied me pretending it was just fun and jokes and I believed them. I believed I was the crazy one! They persuaded me I was a bad and lazy person with no hope and I deserved to be treated so.
But since I've found Pete Walker and a good therapist I've made so much progress! It's visible a little bit on the outside (new activities) but the most magic happened when I understood and accepted myself. I understood my feelings, my flashbacks and that it's all self defense, that I'm not "faulty".
I strongly believe you'll see the same transformation, the same miracle in your life.
I hope you'll find a good therapist. Look for the ones who know what cptsd means, because not everyone understands.

Yes, I'm learning that c-ptsd isn't very well understood. I will try to find one! Thank you so much! I'm VERY hopeful that I will really see progress. I can see it a bit already just knowing what I'm struggling with.

I was treated the same mostly by family. I truly believed I was just fat and lazy. All I did is eat, sleep, and watch t.v. I was the black sheep and defective. That I couldn't handle life. Do you know that I was so traumatized I started to believe that it's wrong to protect children from harm?! The way I was ignored (and how my pleas to the adults around me to care about what was happening in my little cousin's lives were ignored) had me convinced. Now, I'm learning that it's wrong to not care about children and their welfare.

I bought his book Surviving to Thriving and I'm excited about that. The light has truly been shined on my issues! Thank God for that!