[Quanticia]

Few months ago, I recalled a memory I'd supressed for almost 20 years. Three boys had tried raping me. I thought I was done with my memories from that school, but apparently I have this last Jack-in-the-box to deal with.
I can't stop thinking about it. And it rekindles more memories from that era, memories I thought I'd defeated, such as getting thrashed, getting bullied, and a classmate throwing me down the stairs. I'm not exactly scared, not anymore, though I'm still kinda jumpy, and still have fantasies of beating people. Mostly, there is something in those memories I feel I cannot let pass. Something I can change from inside me, even now. I have no idea what. I'm obsessing over that feeling, but I can't figure what it is. It's annoying.
There's a bright side. I always felt that something was wrong inside me, and suddenly a lot of things make sense. Remembering the attempted rape unlocked something. I finally have a shot at facing this, at getting unblocked. Which is nice.

[SorryShaped]

Hoping for the best for this. It took me almost 35 years of trying to repress my life but it didn't work. I fought the PTSD and didn't know that's what it was.

[childofchaos831]

I had memories come back last October, after nearly 19 years. I am right there with you. I thought I was getting past that traumatic part of my life and then boom...

I'm here if you want to talk... PMs are open.

[Quanticia]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Hoping for the best for this. It took me almost 35 years of trying to repress my life but it didn't work. I fought the PTSD and didn't know that's what it was.

Thank you for your reply, SorryShaped. It is a really tough situation to be in. I hope everything is better now.

On the one side I'm happy to know I'm not alone, on the other side I wish it was rarer for someone to go through this. Sigh. Life is complicated.

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I had memories come back last October, after nearly 19 years. I am right there with you. I thought I was getting past that traumatic part of my life and then boom...

I'm here if you want to talk... PMs are open.

Thank you so much for your reply, Childofchaos! It's good to know that I'm not alone. I'm not sure if I feel like discussing it in depth yet, as I'm still sorting out the mess in my head... but please do mail me if you need to talk! Stay strong

[Open Eyes]

From what you shared it had to do with how others tried to take your power away and overpower you in some way. It's something you never processed and can get triggered when you feel threatened. Keep reminding yourself you are safe now and even though these others threatened you in some way they did not take your power away and you moved on in your life.

My memories of childhood abuse only surfaced after my abuser died, 35 years after the abuse ended. It was clarifying, as you say, about many issues I had dealt with my whole life, but also scary. You sound like you've been triumphant over so much already, and you are being optimistic. That's inspiring.